Derek,

Always a treat to hear from you my friend. Thank you for all your wonderful insights!

At what point did you know it was "a bad match?" Did you have clues? Could you have or could you still make it work? Because something brought you together. Do the two of you have some kind of faith in God? (however you define that?) Could it have made a difference in how you approached one another?

Being wrong sets us closer in the direction of being right.
Although, you may feel broken and wrong now,
like a clock you've been right many times in the past four years.
Enjoy the chapter for what it's worth,
Some good times, some bad,
but a setup for something better suited for her and you.
-Ari

Some very true thoughts in there. In 2007 I had a big knock to my confidence with the label that we had built up with love and care having to fold due to cash flow issues caused by a major distributors non payment. It taught me a lot, never believe that having "big/credible" arrangements in place is a safety blanket, it isnt, it just means you can crash harder. As a result of this we forged the relationship and label we have today with Cherry Red and its a mutual partnership that works totally in tandem. I also have had divorce in my late 20's which is thoroughly horrible but there is a saying that nothing is as lonely as a marriage not working and I found that to be true, it also left plenty of time and space in your head for yourself and that can be a bit of a luxury and an opportunity to do things that someone else to answer to wouldnt necessarily go for.

Hey Derek
Sorry to hear you've hit a bump in your road mate. Change - the one constant. It happens to jobs, weather, people, circumstances - it's all how you deal with it. Keeping positive is so important. I wish you all the best for the future.
Cheers
Laurence

Yes in those moments we like to surrender to life since we cant control it.But good thing is that every things have shorter span.My dear friend i m sure this lean patch will also pass

First and most importantly, hang in there! Second, thanks for your thoughts and your candor and courage under adversity. It's no fun when life kicks our asses and makes us have to "walk the walk" of living by beliefs that are so much easier to follow when we have more control over things. But as you say, that's when we grow, when we're forced (to use a tired sports cliche) to "dig deep." Most of the things that I value most in myself (and, indeed, make most use of on a day to day basis) are things that developed in response to adversity that no sane person would "want" to experience. And yet, if we choose to take the attitude you're taking towards moving forward, then profound things can happen . . .

You love being wrong and I love, loving you and learning from you, Derek. We have all been down in such whirlpools, you're a rock star you'll get back up, shine and help others get back up from similar situations. :)

I am sorry. I have been where you are. Time. It is just time and sitting in this weird place for a bit. I'd occasionally remind myself to breathe. As Fritz Perls said “Fear is excitement… without the breath."

Forti Nihil Difficilius

xxxx!

As always Derek insighful and timely as l am in similar situtation with my relationship which we both thought was"the one" turns out not do much...
For me like others on here, l will turn to my life long love of music to get through this rough patch.
I enjoy these tough patches as you do...a time for learning and growth both are hugely important for us all

Feeling for you, Derek. Hope you know how much you bring to this songwriter's life and to so many others.

You're a good soul Derek :)

I hope both you and your wife both find happiness in your separate paths. Best of luck to you both.

Derek, - I know how it hurts and also know that if we are not willing to be wrong, we cannot progress and become original. Making a great match (partner, career, business) isn't particularly easy or quick either. Good luck, and I'm confident of a more generous and enjoyable future you and us all.

Matt

sorry to hear about all that derek, life sucks sometimes
if its any consolation il treat you to a mocha latte next time your in ireland

I hear you. I feel it. I ve been there 10 years ago. Deep in the black hole.
Talk to me when you wish for company, help , anything. Just talk, and i will listen.
Best, filippo

I would say

"We have to keep vulnerable"

Derek, I am so sorry to hear that my friend. Two years ago I had a similar experience with my wife of 15 years and it brought me to my knees. I could not stand the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the loneliness. I began walking everyday. And seeking God. Some time later she and I began to work things out. Finally, after a divorce attorney was hired and papers were drawn up, we ended up back together. It hasn't been easy. It has taken commitment and change on both sides, but we are stronger now than we ever have been. I wish we could talk my friend; there is so much more I'd like to share and so much more I'd like to learn. God bless you my dear brother. God bless.

Wow. God the power of all things will change this phase of your life

One of your best posts yet! Affirming and inspiring as always. I totally agree about the opportunity to keep learning.
Wishing you the very best.
x

I remember getting several good songs out of my divorce. That thought helped a little. Yeah, it hurts like hell. But real lives do that. You've been blessed with a real life. Plus you got a blog post out of it. That's no small thing. I don't believe you understand how many lives you touch with your writing. A whole ton of people are quietly rooting for you right now, wishing we could thank you for all you've given us.
☺ Thanks Bruce. — Derek

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad time and I am very glad to hear, that you got the best out of it and could lit your fire within you again. Fully agree about problems/feeling lost and their advantages. I wonder what will happen in the future and where it will lead you! All the best and head up high!

Paulo Coelho said "When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself." bumps come in all sizes, sorry you hit one, but glad you found yourself.....
☺ Good quote. Thank you. — Derek

I feel for you Derek... I really do. I've been where you are, and the bottom SUCKS. One of my all-time favorite quotes is from the movie "Rocky Balboa"... it might be full of cliches, but it pulled me thru one of the carkest points in my life 5 years ago...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

Thank you for this article Derek... it reminded that everyone goes thru the whirlpool at some point.

humility is extremely difficult, and especially so for a super successful person...
so believing one's own hype becomes the order of the day
i suppose you're lucky there are no kids involved
but you should try keep friends with her
and figure out how it went pear shaped so hopefully it doesn't happen again
good luck man

I am always amazed at how willing you are to be raw and deliver yourself up in such an honest fashion for all the world to see. Thank you for your trust in us. You shared some insights that brought to mind something I wholly believe - an idea Ari Admani touches on in his comment that "being wrong sets us closer in the direction of being right." It is the idea that when we are wrong we are the most powerful - in that moment of acknowledgement we suddenly gain the power to give. In acknowledging our wrongness, we give to others (our humility, the kindness of taking personal responsibility, an acknowledgement of how our wrongness may have impacted them) and we give to ourselves the opportunity to learn & overcome, acceptance of self at that moment while also becoming stronger. This power does not exist when we are right, nor does it exist when we are wrong but in denial of it. Thank you for sharing how you used the power of your wrongness to find right.

Take care, Derek. You have given a lot to the Universe. And it will come back to you manifold. Peace.

Sorry to hear that. You already know that LIFE GOES ON. Reflect on the past, live for the present, and plan for the future. Come to Malta for a while, it will do you good.

Tears - emotional hygiene - whatever the cause. Stay well…

wanna start a band?

Yes it's painful to break up with someone. But the words "'till death do you part" were added to the marriage vows hundreds of years ago when people only lived to be 34 years old. That's an obsolete concept now. You can take everything you've learned and move on and not make the same mistake again. The happiest marriages are the ones where the partners have the most interests in common.

Thanks for sharing. It takes courage for anyone to do it. I had a difficult time about a year ago. Now I realize if more people were brave enough to share their story, we wouldn't have to feel like we're the only one who went through it when it does happen. Because it happens to everybody.

On the plus side, that difficulty was what ended up really inspiring me to make big changes.

Cheers.

Hi star - I remember hearing someone talk about their 3 successful marriages in an interview , and as none of their husbands had died it put a really nice spin on the fact that even if a relationship doesn't work out in the long run. it still had great bits -Expect some other lovely and lucky woman will show up soon enough. I hope in the meantime you get a chance to really enjoy a bit of time by yourself where it is just about you - big up from london Felix x

Dear Derek,

I am so sorry and saddened to hear of your breakup with your wife. View this time of suffering as an opportunity for growth and the pain as just that, growing pains. Bless, forgive, and let her go. If it was meant to be, it will be, if not, it never was and you are both set free in the end. Time takes time, and eventually the pain will subside and you'll be able to look back and view it for what it was and learn whatever lesson it is that your higher power wanted you to learn as a result of this painful process. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you once again for your honesty and sharing your "true self" to shine through for others to see, once again, widening that ripple effect of dropping your rock into the water so others could gain from your personal pain.

Love and Peace,

Eileen

Hi star - I remember hearing someone talk about their 3 successful marriages in an interview , and as none of their husbands had died it put a really nice spin on the fact that even if a relationship doesn't work out in the long run. it still had great bits -Expect some other lovely and lucky woman will show up soon enough. I hope in the meantime you get a chance to really enjoy a bit of time by yourself where it is just about you - big up from london Felix x

Bliss is not disturbed by gain or loss. Hard to appreciate that when we're not winning. but the apple trees still apple, the river still flows, the world still is unfolding as it should whether we believe it or not. we need hard times to appreciate the good times. In the end, how our minds react to phemonena, whatever they are, whether it is good or bad determines our state of mind. I am glad you landed on your feet. You are a great person who has made a big positive difference in the lives of many. Onward ho! kb

Thanks for sharing. I recently went through a divorce (15 years) myself and it certainly is painful. I have gotten through it with the perspective that the unpredictable "bad" that makes life tough doesn't care if you've been good, played by the rules, led a successful or lucrative career, etc. It challenges you to trust, in a room by yourself, that you are a good person and that you're still worthy of the dreams you set out for yourself years ago. It challenged me to take a look of all the good things I've done (career-wise and with family and friends) and embrace it as a starting point for my next adventure. I will say that the one good thing (among others) that experiencing the tough times in life does, is make music and literature much more powerful to me. As a composer, I see that as a good starting point too.

Thanks for the honest post Derek. It's a gem to find such real talk like this. I've also had this experience where the things you expect to be a constant, get pulled out from under you, and you're left scrambling to make sense of things again.

For me it's a wake up call, and reminds me to invest more in myself and core being, which I'm guilty of neglecting in partnerships.

Looks like the universe is giving you another big opportunity to grow wildly. I'm wishing you the best for the next chapter and hoping to continue to learn from your experiences and reflections.

You know, I recently went through a very hard break up as well. This notion of learning was one of the key ways I dealt with it. I learned so much from it about relationships in general, about my own character, and about how to live. Everything still hurt, but it gave a purpose to the pain. Rather then mindless suffering, it was a painful growth spurt. It's not scars that remain, but rather a new strength.

Very sorry to hear of your troubles, Derek.

Back in 1984, I bought and read a book called, "Playing Ball on Running Water," by David K. Reynolds. It was based on Morita Psychotherapy and while I haven't looked at it in awhile, I do remember that one way to "get through" the tough parts (and believe me, I've been, "through it," over the past 1.5 years) is to focus on the everyday tasks - taking each action as an active meditation. I find this helps to get through all of the shit that sucks (and everything sucks in the beginning).

You don't just wake up one day and realize your grief is gone. Your journey takes you to a place where, little by little, you can live with your loss. The more you can deal with, the more the anger and angst will disappear and this will allow new adventures and happiness to enter your life.

Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Eventually, you'll find you're a stronger, wiser version of yourself.

Having gone through the same experience, here's a few thoughts. First, relationships take on a life of their own and when they end, regardless of how or why, there is mourning. Next, everyone mourns in their own way although there are five general stages that appear in a decidedly non-linear fashion. Finally, being wrong and failing are part of the human condition but how you deal with such defines the person who you are and who you become.

My condolences on the loss of your relationship. My congratulations on your way of moving forward.

When our relationships go sour, we tend to think that we did something wrong (even if we can't figure out what). We usually forget that any partner will walk together in our paths only temporarily. When we realize that we are ultimately alone, we have a chance to actually experience the freedom and bliss to be able to connect to all, without attachments, expectations or compromises.

“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

cheer up buddy!!

Jack Handy rules! My favorite is “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.” — Derek

Derek,

Somehow we are in the similar situation

I broke up with my gf 3 months ago and I'm still swallowing the pain of being alone and have no idea about who the heck I would be with after this

My start-up is a mess, my life is full with chaos.

I quit my daily job and put my start-up problem behind for a while to take some rest. I'm wondering around Japan for more than a week now and new places help me living through everyday. But the hole is still there

Being not figuring out is suck. But no one can help us but ourselves.

Just try new thing and enjoy as much as you can everyday. Stop thinking about tmr. That doesn't help in this kind of situation

Time will pass and we will figure it out.

This paper helped me look for strategies used to avoid...well, changing my mind.
http://sociology.buffalo.edu/documents/hoffmansocinquiryarticle_000.pdf
If change is life...

Every one, no matter who they are, EVERY one gets a turn in the bucket. What matters the most are friends (and sometimes family members if you are very very lucky) who will hold your hand, comfort you, and encourage you when it is your turn. Take care of your self.

Thank you for sharing this. It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. You are an amazing person, an inspiration to me.

Powerful dialog. It would seem your acceptance has made you present in the moment. Perhaps it is the key to personal growth, and understanding this difficult situation.

Wow. Thanks for being so candid. You never know what's going on with someone do you? There are too many variables, to many agendas, too many sucker punches in this life to have it all figured out. If we could tie it all up neat in a bow, it would be boring. Take care of yourself.

Derek, sorry to hear things didn't work out. A breakup like that is never easy. If you can just glide right out of it then there's something wrong with you. After 13 years I had to separate from my wife. Very difficult in many ways but it needed to be done. I empathize with you. Romantic notions can be tossed to the rocks but what really stings is the loss of companionship. Most romantic notions are story-telling mechanics, when the honeymoon wears off it's the companionship that locks you together and when that's broken it's soul-crushing.

Glad that your finding your way back. It'll come eventually. Takes time and moves at its own pace. Best wishes to you.

In addition to asking “What’s great about this?”… I like to ask "What else is possible", a useful (follow up?) question. No attachment to answers is key for me, which often brings only more questions but the new direction usually leads to wonderful new awarenesses.

Thanks for posting, I appreciate your insights.

Amen to that!

For some years now, whenever a conversation turns to "So, what do you like best about yourself?" my answer is: "I love being proven wrong. It means I've learned something."

Being intelligent and successful is challenging and fun, but isn't always educational.

Thanks, Derek, for another thoughtful post.

T

Hi Derek,

Don't know you personally. Came across your post. Thanks for sharing. Been in similar situations. Yes, knocked on my ass which was bruised black and blue. Lol!

You're not lost though, in reality that is, Spirit. Just seems that way in your soul or soulish realm (your mind, will, emotions). See, God wrote your name on the palms of His hands before the beginning of time. Father has given you to Jesus, His Son so no one and no situation can snatch you out of your Father's hand. Nothing can separate you from His love.

Listen to God's Spirit in you. The kingdom is within. It will speak to your soul. In Him, you live and have your being. Jesus full of grace and truth, not religion. Jesus is who you are in this world.

Peace, Beloved!

Oh, Derek. Yes, I love being wrong too. A long time ago, I was having a conversation with a wonderful friend who said something (I can't even remember the topic) that she believed was true, and I said "umm, no, it's actually this other way" and she got this big smile and said "oh! You're right!" and immediately shifted perspective without a second thought. It was the hugest lesson and gift I ever got. I can do that. I can say that I got it wrong, say it with a smile, be happy to learn something new. So now I love to find out I was wrong.

Relationships are different territory. No one is necessarily right or wrong. I'm grateful for every relationship I ever have had and none of them were mistakes. And all of them, every relationship, is at heart an experience. There is no way to escape the reality that you're on the ride by yourself. The people around you are hopefully delightful, enlightening, brilliant, sexy, fun, deep, wise, kind - and you get to experience all of that. You aren't ever the owner of it, except the parts you take into your own life.

I've never even met you and you've been a good experience in my life, so thank you.

Derek,
I am sorry . . . but I totally agree with your thinking. Unfortunately, the truth is we mostly learn from bad situations, losses and hurt and not from the times when our lives run smoothly. It is a challenge to pick oneself up, brush off and move on.
Looking back at my own life, I can see where the tough times, offered me an opportunity to grow. Without them, I would just be passing thru without possibility to grow. Thinking of you knowing that in looking at your situation with honesty and awareness, you have taken the first steps into exploring what to do next. Good luck, I believe once one accepts a situation, we slowly let go and get ready to accept the next gifts waiting for us!

Derek,

I'm terribly sorry for what you've been through, but so appreciative of your generosity of spirit in sharing your experience. The following quote somehow seems appropriate: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” William Shakespeare, Macbeth
Take care of yourself. You have so much to offer the world.

Great photo an dgreat descritpion of a black hole ... the origin of everything ...

This may be an excellent time to a.) write songs, and b.)read some Meister Eckhart.
Good Luck!

My heart goes out to you Derek. I've been there done that, but thank goodness because if not for the break up of my first marriage, I never would have published seven books, became a craft columnist for 13 years, wrote, produced and created 6 CD's all my own (which I won two international songwriting awards for)! or went to college in my 40's and graduated with a 3.86 GPA and a Degree in Bussiness Management.

Oh yes, I turned my pain into perserverance and became the creative soul I wanted to be. I still live penny to penny but I am rich in so many other ways because I had the courage to walk away from a "bad match".

You are young, so talented and such an inspiration to others! The greatest thing about you is that throughout your career, you have treated all of us like close friends. You made us feel comfortable and welcome into your life. You made us feel that you are approachable by being kind enough to share your life learning experiences in an effort that we all can grow and better ourselves from them.

This too shall pass and remember, if it was meant to be, it will be. If not, you will have learned so much from yet another life experience that can only make you wiser next time around.

Hugs from afar my dear friend,

Sincerely,

KC

Loss of a relationship is like death. After going through the 7 stages you still miss the significant other. Don't forget the good times. Don't recall the bad times.

When my friends are hurting, I hurt for them. Although we have never met and are connected by your blog and CDBaby, the emotional pain and physical response to your pain are very real. I don't have anything profound to say about getting over the pain. I am sad to hear about what you are having to go through.

I'm sad you had to go through this. One of the great things that may come from it, however, is that you are more grateful for the relationships you have that do work and that add immeasurably to your life. Wishing you the best.

Just getting older makes me more humble…much less that knowing there is a creator who created us…….much less that the creator created everything….much less that this is God's world and his plan….humbles me. All I have to do is look into the stars and I know there is something behind all of this…much less that there may be infinity….all of this humbles me every day and makes me marvel at this creation.Which leads me into making new music and words to describe my feelings and relationship with this world. People will always disappoint. We all need to find what really makes us happy and find people who we can share what makes us happy.
Humility will make us wonder about who we are and why we are here. Search and you will find. I hope you find what you are looking for and love what you find.

Derek,

I'm really sorry for your loss. My best advice is to keep telling your inspiring stories and all those people who love you for what you do (and we are many!) will lift you back up again. Even when you're down you're an inspiration!

Been there--done that, too many times. It is a bitter-sweet challenge to face the fact that we really are not complete in our selves. The challenge for me was to not distract myself from learning about that incompleteness within by immersing myself in the presence of others. By employing EFT, and letting the feelings guide the "Even though ..." statements, I am able to learn more about me as I relieve the pain. If you don't yet know and use EFT, check out www.emofree.com and grab a copy of the free lesson.

The challenge that remains after learning and relieving is what I do with what I have learned. On a "good day" I use it for change so that I do not repeat the same ineffective patterns. At the least, it helps me recognize when I begin to repeat it.

My wife offers some sage advice in her two-word tag line: "Always love."
My friend Jim Sorensen, who teaches a fantastic relationship workshop, says "You can always get someone to love you--even if you have to do it yourself."

Be loved!

Sorry to hear your sad news, and thank you for sharing that you get it wrong sometimes. Me too.

I read from the Sages during break in all of my Martial Arts classes. All the Sages in their various ways say, " Gain only comes when you are at the bottom". As you well know, our best music, or from any Art form, comes when we are full of emotion. Perhaps now is the time, best of luck.

No words of wisdom from me on the failed relationship. Just want to say that you've expressed what I believe to be the ultimate positive attitude. It is about learning and discovering something new. So many "positive" expressions about moving on and forgetting the people that annoy you are actually negative IMO, because they just seem to reflect a run-away-from-the-problem attitude and possibly leave other broken hearts in their wake. You've chosen to really learn and discover new things. That's great.

Keep a guitar close by. Or whatever your instrument of choice. Music therapy.
I think this blog is my instrument of choice. Playing it helped, today. ☺ — Derek

Thanks for sharing.

Derek, thanks for the personal and open post, at time we feel we are the only ones that are wrong and that make bad decisions, being humble when people say you idiot you are wrong(non friends of course) is the hardest. Hang In there my friend.... God has the bigger picture.

Bad breakup? You must be devastated!

We'll see...
https://sive.rs/horses! ☺ — Derek

I heard an old Gospel song one time " It's just another hill that I'm climbing, just another tear to wipe away. If I can hold on a little longer, I'll be dancing in Heaven someday" Just hold on buddy, it gets better.

Great article. I've learned the same lesson many times over. We learn while we're down in the valley, not while we're on the mountain top.

Kahlil Gibran said in "The Prophet": The deeper sorrows carves to your being, the more joy you can contain. Now go find what makes you happy and begin filling yourself.

God Bless you Derek. Guess you're not alone

Sorry to hear about your pain, but remember,God is in control and all thing work for good to those that love the Lord.Some times we fail to see the good at the time but He sees the whole picture and He has something better for you in store.It is always darkest just before dawn, and dawn always brings renewal and a new day brings opportunities that were not there yesterday.Today's pain can be tomorrow's gain.

"Brake-up" possible song title ,, look to the positive and negative things do teach

Cheers, man, welcome to the club :) In the spring of 2013. I got divorced after 13 years, my business went bankrupt, I owed money to the loan sharks and most of my friends turned out to be afraid my situation is somehow contagious...
Still, here I am, alive and well with all of that behind me, knowing that even if I could turn back time, I wouldn't do it, because I like the man it made me now.
So endure, there's a reward at the end. "Delay the gratification" as one wise bold guy said in a TED talk :)
And read Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning", it does help. :)

Dear Derek,
I got divorced at age 22 and didn't find my true love until I was 50 (14 years ago). He was soooo worth waiting for! (How we met is a miracle story that I haven't been able to turn into a song...yet.) There's a true love out there for you too and you will find her when the time is right. Meanwhile, don't throw your love away. Oooo..."Don't Throw Your Love Away"?? ...bye...gotta go write that one...oh crap...googled it...already done by the Searchers in 1963.

Dear Derek,
Its so hurtful feel this empty inside, even knowing how it make to feel only who is passing for that know how its hurt. Say for you, Hey, do new things, explore your own self, try new adventures, discover the new, yeah its work for a moment.
But the worst part is to put the head on the pillow and look around and see that you are alone and nobody will see you crying at this night, this is the part of the process and wont be like that forever, just for a period of time until the wounds be healed and this will be only in the past and a experience in life.
Even knowing that will hurt try to feel less pain possible and dont be afraid to walk away of that. Be around people that like you and care about you and soon you will be healed of that and your heart will be full of hope for a new adventure again even it take time. :)

When faced with a life event that I would not wish on myself or anyone else... my first reaction is to avoid it at all cost....but shortly thereafter I defiantly ask for it to be as big and as bad as it can be.... because I am going to use it for something good.

Sorry to hear about your loss.....and maybe it too soon to mention but I
cant wait to see what your going to do with it!

Know what you're going through....leads to some great songs though, get the guitar out!

"they" say pain is the touchstone for all spiritual growth. Bahh...

Having the self-awareness and emotional connectedness with self to allow pain to take us to where we're supposed to be as opposed to where the world dumped us is powerful.

Thank you so much for this honest and open post! I am in a different, yet similar place. Hurting + learning up a storm. Your insight is just what i needed this morning!

Upheavals are pain, although they teach us the most and give a perspective that we couldn't have anticipated. There is light up ahead- we cant see it yet, because light does not bend, but it is just around the corner.

Good way to look at it indeed... and because nothing ever happens for no reason, you'll be grateful the break happened when you meet your "better" half! Keep rockin' buddy!!

Loss sucks and hurts terribly. The love of my life died a bit over 3 months ago in my home from cancer. I essentially nursed him to his death. At first I felt relief that he was no longer suffering so much. Then things got harder. I miss so much that he brought to me like fixing things (he fixed things for everyone from their amps and instruments to cars and on). He fixed my musical arrangements, he fixed the leak in my kitchen sink. So now I must learn how to fix these things myself or get outside help where necessary. I must also learn how to fix my heart and that is the hardest of all. I am not the only one who lost him though, he built a tremendous musical community and we along with his family feel his loss every day. I am sorry for your loss Derek. It sucks and it is ok to be lost and hurt. I appreciate your words on finding something good in that loss somehow. The best thing I can find for myself so far is to keep playing music, even if I have no song in my heart. I know Ed would have wanted that for me. As great of a musician as he was he saw the bright shining star inside of me when I could not. He once said the moment I started singing every other female singer in the room became instantly jealous. (He had a backhanded way of complimenting.) I guess my point is that even though I lost the person I loved most I still have everything else good I had before he died and I still have my voice. And actually I have all the lessons he taught me both musical and like lessons. So nothing is really a total loss is it? XO Allene

Keep looking…there is an answer that is bigger than temporary relief.
a fellow seeker of Truth,

Vern

Derek,
Thanks for sharing. Great comments of your friends to your story show that it was worth writing it. Pain is internal, and in the situations like this, life is a very lonely journey, as no one but ourselves have to deal with this pain. Empathy helps a lot.
End of a relationship is like to be hit by the truck. Only instead of bones, its literally soul-crushing. When it happens, there is no way around the pain, but give it a time to let the wounds left in a soul to heal.
And you're right, at the end you find good things. To have humbling experience is good. It's when we are in pain that our souls grow.

Derek. You'll be going through lots of peaks and valleys over the next few months. Good days, bad days. Give it six months MINIMUM before you consistently START to feel normal. During this time, feed your soul and delve into yourself as much as you can (you'll definitely have the motivation!). The next six months will have you continue to enjoy developing yourself without the acute pain and regret. In my experience…one year until you're the "new" you (most people just become a bitter version of the "old" them). Sorry to tell you it'll be a year, but it can be a glorious and constructive year of your life if you make it.

Thanks, Derek. You give me hope. I have not had a financial success since I left my last job in 1996. That is a long stretch of "wrong". My music is rewarding but not financially and many would label it a distraction. I am glad that someone I consider a life model and a friend has been able to see his "wrongs" as opportunities to grow and continues to grow from them.

Derek,

It is always an honor to hear from you. It sounds like you have great friends that truly love you man! I am praying for you and your wife! I pray you find strength, healing and peace! “28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

~ Jeff ~

Sometimes we need the whirlpool to take us deep in order to really understand how high we've risen.

Hope you feel better soon. We are never so alive as when experiencing great pain or joy.

Breaking ups is one of life's most painful experiences, a reason why I've written so many love songs...a healing process it seems...one thing for sure is time passes and your heart does heal and of course having a dog helps! Good Luck Derek.

Wow. What Julie Ritsema said.

So sorry to hear about your breakup and the pain that ensued. My most fervent wish is that your child will continue to feel the love of his parents and see a shining example of how two people who can't live together can still treat each other with dignity and respect and still work together to pave the way for his happiness and success. All the best to all of you, Derek.

My friend,

In this chapter of life please refer to your favorite fable for guidance.

Thank you for all your passion and light that you have brought to this world.

"If we never get lost we never get found."

Derek, I'm sorry you're hurting. I was devastated when my 1st husband cheated on me. But then, I met my 2nd husband Drew, and my life became what I always dreamed of; traveling the world, working in the art business, having freedom to create my life. Drew taught me that. My first marriage ending was a blessing, as it allowed me to live the life I always wanted, with someone who shared the same dreams as me.

You can't see the wisdom of a "bad" thing when it's happening, but years later, you can look back and say "yes, that was actually a good thing". Hope this helps you a little....

You have my sympathy, Derek. Thank you for this insightful, soul-baring post.

I feel ya… Some good things come from "moping at the bottom of the ocean" it creates good songs and art. Wishing you the best. http://bit.ly/FarFromMyHeartVideo

Derek: Welcome to my World! But you know something? Moving on from a relationship that did not work is the best form of friendship you can have. In time each soul will find its soulmate...and that is, indeed, the biggest gift you can give to your now ex and to You.
Hang in there.
Aurea

That's a tough question to ask when you're hurting. It's cool how you circled back around after you got some support from friends. Thanks for sharing this.

Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. We can't have a story without an ending and the same is true for a chapter. The same could be said for experiences in general. We continually start and stop. One part of your story has ended, but I can't wait to hear about the next beginning. Good luck in the next chapter, Derek.

p.s.-- it took a year or so after my divorce before I started feeling OK about it... don't expect things to change overnight

It sounds like you haven't heard of Byron Katie and The Work. (Thework.com) It turns out to be CHECKMATE with this kind of shit and resonates very strongly with your mesaage. For me, the process is like subdividing "What's great about this?" into a few easy questions I ask myself. The answers I receive, always from within, add up to releasing the Velcro that the (nonexistent) past and future sometimes have. Check it out. You won't be disappointed. There are lots of videos, free downloads and other material at the website above so you can kick the tires. Or, we can skype sometime (EST in New England) and I am willing to answer any questions you may have about it. I'd love to know what your first impressions are if you check it out. (FYI - There is also a nine-day School For The Work in Ojai, CA coming up Sept 28-October 8 if you decide to jump in.) Thank you for all of your contributions to a peaceful planet. As you know, the biggest contribution anyone can make starts with a peaceful mind.

Hidden in our minds and hearts, sleeping sometimes for years, is an incredible amount of courage, wisdom and strength. And we all live our day by day using a tiny portion of that amazing fuel. That's comfort. But when life hits you in the face and you have a moment of raw reality, as you just did, you have to search deep inside for those treasures in order to survive, or to help somebody else. And it feels good to find them, and use them, and getting a boost out of them. You are totally right Derek, being wrong and being scared is a must in order to become a better human being.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. Really. Keep fighting back, you are doing a great job.

Sergio.

Sorry to hear about this Derek. Write music, write songs, just write.
I feel your pain and wishing you all the best!

Hi Derek,
The only thing that fills the void in our lives is Jesus Christ. The humbling you are experiencing is growth. God's loving hand is always extended for you to reach up and hold onto.

Thanks for sharing your insight and experience, Derek. Wisdom-born.

Infinite good is in control Derek, even when we're NOT realizing it. ;)

Hey Derek - sounds like a difficult period (for both of you) - the positive takeaway is an equal or greater good is somehow hidden inside. All the best my friend.

Hang in there my friend. No matter what you are feeling right now . . .
trust that this actually happened for your "good" and the best is yet to be.

Thank you for all your help in my darkest hours over the years.

Take care,

Mich

Sometimes in our darkest hour is when we see the light. I'm trying to write a short book about my rescue dog Cali. She came here very abused and broken, yet she opens her heart to me, another human, and loves me unconditionally.
In trying to teach her something as simple as it's okay to drink out of your water dish, her gratitude is teaching me.

Cali accepts her situations with love and she is strong in them . And she remains in a constant state of gratitude no matter what

Gratitude is a powerful part of unconditional love ..if we keep it with us at all times and think only thoughts of what we are grateful for and nothing more...it is our gatekeeper .It doesn't allow anyone or anything to ever hurt us again . It can turn our deepest hurts into blessings.

Derek I hope these crazy little observations might help you find one little thing each day to be thankful for even if its just the air as you try to move forward.Its hard but I found it's a powerful force toward healing. I wish you only the best of everything! With love and prayers from Cali and me...Judy

Been there...done it...! Hurts like hell for a long time but someone new will cross your path and it will be so good you'll wonder how come you never met her the first time round. Life is indeed strange at times but we all have challenges to overcome before we can move on...

I'm sorry for your pain - which will come and go sometimes when you least expect it - and happy for the opening to other opportunities and ideas that will come to fill the opening. I am a few decades further down that road than you... and sometimes still trying to figure out the intended lessons from the death of loved ones, from stupid and costly mistakes I have made. But I do know this. If I had not finally been able to let go of the alcoholic, abusive first spouse, and agree with myself it would be better to be alone and lonely than live in hell - then I would not have been empty enough to receive this wonderful partner with whom I now spend my days. Would not have had a ranch AND a farm AND horses AND financial freedom to see the world, and all the while have my best friend to share and explore it with. Would not have... so many experiences. IT HAS ALL BEEN SO WORTH IT, even the screw-ups. I am glad to hear you've reached the point where you can embrace things a bit instead of recoil. Your attitude will be the thing that paves the way forward and you get to choose that path.

Derek,
You really are a rare ultra successful individual, who is also so humble and accessible. Feel one of us less successful people (no complaints, but just the truth IMHO, and speaking for just myself).

So it really really sucks when life deals you with this kind of stuff. At these times, I think there is no justice in this world. But you just keep doing what you do. May I draw your attention to the 'Stoical' way of life. I read that wonderful book, thanks to your notes (https://sive.rs/book/StoicJoy).

And prayers your way for finding peace and happiness. Hugs Bro.

best wishes to you during this rough time. I've been through it, too, and it was definitely the most humbling learning experience of my life so far.

I'm so sorry Derek, I feel sorry you two with little W. going thru all this.
My prayers are with all of you.
Maria

Hi Derek,

I'm sorry your marriage failed, but glad you acted swiftly when you saw the writing on the wall.

So often we go into marriage with a preconceived, but undisclosed, concept of what it is "supposed to be", only to discover mismatched expectations the hard way.

In this time when prenuptial agreements are fairly common with regard to financial assets, I often think we would benefit from a prenuptial declaration of what we expect to contribute emotionally, sexually, etc. to the union, and what we hope to receive in those ways.

Such an agreement could contain such items as, "I understand that your opposite-sex friends are important to you and I will learn to accept them" or "I accept that you are a fly-by-night musician, who spends many nights a week jamming in hole-in-the-wall joints, just to keep his/her chops in shape".

Joanne Crabtree
Free and Easy Music

Greatness - Life can never be predicted! Glad to hear you are back on track!!

hhhmmmm
ahhhhhhh eeey ahhhhhh eeey ahhhhhhh

I am glad you made it through, Derek! There are many situations in life (my own, friend's, people I hear about) that confirm a theory I have: "One of man's most valuable abilities is the ability to forget." In a way, reaching a low point in life, also means a new beginnng - which is exiting. It also make us humble, which is also helpful. Wich you the best, Derek!

enter the path of the zen warrior. non attachment... alternatively, nothing a good dog and a rubber ball can't fix. coding, bike trips. good to have you back!

Love is tricky...Looking for the opportunity for growth in any disappointment can keep you filled with poetry and humor and humility. Although you may be more experienced than I here, as one of the few fortunate to feel very lucky in love right now, I offer these ideas gathered from many sources (as they have helped me immensely with my previous anti-love habits I had been unaware of for a long time). 1) Recognize that like attracts like, make any self-changes necessary to project outwardly who you are inside and your intentions 2) Choose a partner whose passions and interests align with yours (if you're kind of workaholics, then adjacent/complimentary non-competing lines of work) 3) Choose a partner who has mastered a life skill that is elusive to you, use this space to learn from them and to accept needing them. 4) Surround yourself and your relationship with people who have strong happy relationships and who encourage positivity in yours - some friends may have to become acquaintances 5) If you are the bigger persona, make time to do things regularly where your partner is the star and you are just the date 6) Ask them how their day was every day, listen, and ask questions until you can empathize with their perspective. 7) Thank each other for little things everyday.- Lastly I agree with your friends Amber and Ariel and add that in love, as you would in business...take time to reflect, re-focus, and plan before you invest in another one. Hugs :-)

I'm sorry your dream of living happily together was crushed. Sounds like you have a multitude of miserable comforters telling you this and that. Like Job of old its hard to make sense of why bad things happen to good people. I too was divorced soon after we married but only because she scampered off with a friend of mine. Terry and I met soon after and now we have been married 36 years and 2 lovely daughters (google you tube videos Becky Ninkovic and Spruce Collective Lily Ellis to see what they have been up to) 4 grandkids also. My bit of advise is to find a really cool church (check out Calvary Chapel churches in your area) and immerse yourself in that community. Healing and wholeness will come to you as you draw near to God - in the end He's the only true lover of your soul!

Sorry for your loss Derek...as they say, things happen for a reason and time is the great healer. Be well my friend.

You might try vipassana a bit. It has some amazing insights especially about pain and loss. Since you are a musician, though, you might appreciate a concept being suggested by Geoffrey Haselhurst (FB) - that everything is a wave-form. It is useful to me for having faith that everything is transient and our physical body, including emotions occur in infinitely variable wave patterns. (Which affect the universe long after we have moved-just like the light of stars.) It changes my experience of good/bad, right/wrong into a network of constantly changing and inter-related energies. You have a strong energy, Derek - many of us resonate with it. Namaste.

Hey Derek. Sorry about that. It's good that you bounced back from it. You always recommend getting out of your comfort zone a bit. In a way, being married to this person was OUTSIDE your comfort zone (from the sound of it). So really, you are back IN your comfort zone now, if you think about it that way. I should disclaim that I have no idea what I am talking about. -Joe

The unknown is a familiar place where anything is possible. Just be careful with what you fill that space-time with. Do please spend some time really feeling and living and working with that pain, it will teach you something.

Welcome back! Keep walking in this direction.

Been there. On my 50th birthday. The "D word"....felt like a knife through my chest and it took months for the pain to subside. Reached out to everyone and anyone. Tried everything and anything. Nothing worked and everything worked. Heard every platitude and well meaning perspective imaginable. I've always been good at asking for help...even from the wrong people at times. Friends fell away and new ones stepped up. Read a truck full of self help books. On and on. It was the worst time of my life, harder than any hardship I had endured, but I knew in the end it would work out, somehow. Our unwillingness to accept things as they are comes from our slightly arrogant belief that we actually know best how things SHOULD be. Well, we control our actions, thoughts and feelings, but not the outcomes of our actions (Upanishads).

There's a lot more I could tell you about pain. What people told me. For example, we LIKE it because it is familiar and we know what to do with it (I hated hearing that). people get divorced every day. Marriages aren't meant to last, although some do, because people inevitably transition from being passionate lovers to being friends, and more like brother and sister (and nobody wants to sleep with their sister). And so forth.

I feel for you, your story resonates, as usual. This experience changed the whole course of my life, and because of it, I am in a better position to help people I couldn't have helped without it. And that includes me. Hang in there, brother.

Le Ly Hayslip [When Heaven and Earth changed places]..."We have time in abundance-an eternity, in fact-to repeat our mistakes. We only need to correct them once."

Hi Derek,
Sorry to hear about the divorce. Its going to hurt for sometime. To experience is living.

Also, the comments for this post have replicated 8 or 9 times.

There is only one freedom. It is freedom from fear.
There is no loss or gain in relationships.
There is only the fear of loss and the illusion of gain.

You are unique and exquisite.

That is enough.

Your true partner awaits; for the moment you least expect.
When it makes no sense. When it is not sought.

Every one of us lives in a different consciousness time-zone. The only common area is -- "now"


Live Love Laugh,

John

Nice insights. SO true Derek..probably connecting with the space/ emptiness inside is what truly refreshes us and helps shed the labels we put on ourselves of being 'someone'..Once in a while its great to be a no one, a complete zero..it give us deep rest at all levels :)

At times like this, I always remember this fable, no kidding:
https://sive.rs/horses

Best wishes !

Hi Derek
You've been to most places. Try soothing your soul in Africa.
I am only a piano player (never could manage 6 strings at once) but can show you around Cape Town and extend hospitality. It will change some perspective.
Wish you well
Eddie

I'm happy for your gain! It's great to know other people who are always able to think positive.

I think it's also great that you shared about this topic nearly the same time I shared it! ;)

http://chaoticdan.blogspot.com/2014/09/wrong-happy.html
☺ Nice one! — Derek

Derek,
I have the answer to your problem!!!

The pain is there to tell you "You feel that? It hurts, right? Well congratulations, you are alive and you are still feeling and still learning".

I think these experiences exist and serve as a "reminder" that we are all vincible, with chinks in our armors. One can get knocked on his ass then get back up, get knocked down again, re-evaluate, empty the bin and get up again.

Maybe that's the epitome of a full and good life and to live such, you have to feel it, to be sad, to be happy and to experience it, to laugh and to cry and share it with friends and family.

So even though this is a painful emotional experience, it still has a positive side. …you are experiencing real, genuine emotions and feelings and these in turn get your blood pumping and your brain working and you become better and you start doing better.

So on to new and exciting challenges, Derek. Keep smiling and enjoying life.

Beautiful insight! Thanks for sharing!

Dear Derek
I am so sorry to hear about your pain. True. I don't think words can equal . I am so sorry.
It's great to hear from you again :-) Just know, I pray for you everyday Derek!...have for years. Always a buddy. :-)
Enjoyed a crackling fire last night, as we were working on new tunes :-)
Rach

The amazing songwriter David Wilcox says that our hearts don't really work right until they are broken. That pain gives us room for more love. In the end, it's all about the lesson, right? Love you Derek. I rarely respond to your posts although I read every one and love them so much. Thanks for your vulnerability. Janet

Are you still in Singapore?
Would you rather hear what your
friends have to say or what God Word
has to say?
If you don't God respects your freedom
of choice even though it might be
detrimental to your life and your spouse in every way.
People who ask and inquires what God Word have to say about marriage have a much better understanding of themselves and the person they are or should marry.
Did God tell you to marry that person
or was combination of superficial and
personal preferences? Did you truly have peace about this person or not?
I don't want to bore with the same lame
spiel about marriage is give and take.
Derek it is what 2 people do for God in this life is the only true fulfilling endeavor which is lasting.
Read the Book of Proverbs and the New
Testament Expanded and Amplified Versions first. Why?
Because the Old Testament was mostly about the Laws.
The Old is right the New is merciful.
The Old was about judgment and the New about mercy and love.
Mercy triumphs over judgment.
Paul said.
I'm a Christian not religious and there is a difference.
I was divorced before so I know it is
devastating especially when you have children even adult children.
Any way go online to biblegateway.com
and or buy Expanded and Amplified Bible.
I like it when I hear from you.
Your personality would be an asset for God and humanity Derek.
Peace
Peter Callaway

I went through the same feelings after my divorce! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability. Four years later I can say it was the best crash of my life, he & I are both so much better off with other people, and better friends than ever! Keep your head up and remember that life is for learning, through good times and bad. Your center core is always there, however, and if you love yourself and are honest with yourself, you're doing it right. Light & Love!

Derek, I have followed your posts for years and, even though we've never met, I feel like I know you.Your insights and commentary have enriched my life and I wish you the best through this tough time. No advice, your plan/perspective sounds good.

- Jeff

oh man. I am sorry to hear about your split - but you're right, the pain now is for the better if you know staying together would be worse.

I struggle with that right now, actually. I am very much in love with Kurtis, but I wonder if we'll be a good match much longer. But I've yet to know what being in a relationship this long actually means (4 years for this one, and it's the record so far). Many days I wake up and I'm excited about the changes we'll go through....and other days maybe I've got a lingering want-to-be whirlpool when I think maybe my future is not going to be tangled in his. And some days, I don't even want it to be.

We all need reality checks sometimes. Whether we want them or not, and everything is a lesson, or at least something learned.

No matter how far that whirlpool spins, you have always seemed (at least to me) to be the type that will get out alive regardless.

Derek - embrace it. Like I know you already have. <3

Sorry to hear about your relationship. Sometimes things just don't work out.
Remember - "Even a kick in the ass is a step forward."
Nice quote! I'd never heard that before. ☺ — Derek

When I returned home from VietNam at the end of 1969 I had a life plan. Marry my girlfriend (I did), move to California(I did),get a good job(I did), buy a house and after 5 years, buy another and rent the first, and on and on. Perfect plan ! Life was gonna be Gravy after a tour in a war zone, right ? Within 18 months I was headed for divorce (she married me to escape her folks) and she was going out on me ! I didn't like the job, because all I wanted to do was play guitar, so I quit the job and could not afford a house ! At first, I felt this all made VietNam look like a
vacation! In truth, it really made me face life and pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with finding out if I really had what it took to be a real singer,songwriter, instrumentalist, a real professional human being ! I found out I was up to the challenge by accepting it as my truth and moving forward. So, all these years later, I have no regrets, and I followed my muse happily, and found love again(True Love). There are still challenges that come out of nowhere, but I have learned to deal with them and move on. All the best to you, Derek !

Did you have an iron clad prenup?

Derek--So sorry to hear of your break-up. I don't give advice. But I know you'll bounce back with strength. All the best to a tremendous individual...

Thanks for the article. I am so sorry to hear about that... . I also have to be honest and say I identify with your feelings completely. That article expresses the last few months of my life.
I have been walking though my own walls of pain. I decided after a long time of being single to start dating and it was a mixed bag. I would say I made a colossal mistake, but I have learned a lot me. I was also able to get out of a relative creative inertia and creative resistance to create. The intensity of my feelings has changed forever. I am not sure if that's good. I channeled my feelings into new tracks like this: https://soundcloud.com/seven-is-completion/no-faith-in-brooklyn-drop.

Carry on! Fill the cup again!!

And we expand. Each moment more keenly, we are aware of ourselves.
A little bit wider.
We see a few more shades in between.
Receiving a sense beyond.
And we become....more.
Open and free to give and become part of all that is.

It's an innate human coping strategy to minimize, blame others, distort reality, etc.. to protect the ego, and minimize embarrassment and pain in such situations... but none of that helps a person to grow. I wouldn't necessarily lay blame, or label behaviours as wrong, but it's important to look at oneself and try to learn more about who you are, extreme situations can be a catalyst for just that. Learning in life isn't just about the outside world, or new skills, languages, ventures, etc.. there is another whole world called you that is fun to keep learning about too! And that knowledge can be powerful in helping you fine-tune and become the person you wish to be. Just don't completely abandon those natural protective instincts and beat yourself up too bad... 'time heals all wounds'

Best wishes,
Been there, done that

Derek,
First, truly sorry to hear about the heart ache you've gone through with this... and I'm really glad to hear that you're using it as a learning and growth opportunity. My wife of 11 years went through an unexpected divorce about 12 years ago and that paved the way for both of us to meet. We now have beautiful children and the life we both dreamed of, so I'm sure you already know that it gets better as you move forward.

Thought my own circumstance involves a lot less heart ache, I just wrote about how "wrong" I've been over the last several years, too. My issue was with how I treated people in general. It's funny how ego-crushing experiences can benefit you so much and show you just how much MORE there is to learn about living, about love, and about what moves your soul!

Here's my experience about being wrong. Would love your thoughts: http://www.johnstringerinc.com/influence-criticism-appreciation-love-work-home/

In the meantime, looking forward to hearing how things continue to unfold for you through and beyond this!

"You never know when something wonderful is going to happen."

Thanks!

Continue. Inspire. Thanks for existing, virtual friend!

How about getting your guitar out of the woodshed and playing a bit? Like you did long ago before all the college tour and starting cdbaby in NY? Just sit it next to your favorite chair and noodle. Music, patience and time heal hearts man. Be kind to yourself. Namaste. :)

My heart goes out to you my friend. Thank you for sharing the upsides to the pain. My biggest, and elusive, bursts of creativity came after a crushing break up. Use that energy. Best of luck getting used to your new "normal". Thank you for sharing.

a wake up call indeed

You can only allow the pain to go so far. Grieve and move on. Life has a way of helping you heal and you will heal.

Derek, I am in NO position to offer any advice . Having said that , let me say I can share/relate to you what well meaning people have lovingly said to me FOR MY RECENT LIFE CHANGING EVENT .

Time , that seems to be the key word in all of their messages.

Bobby

Hi Derek, You might remember that once a long time ago we discussed the possibility that the origins of our respective surnames might be the same i.e. chevrier a 1066 era Norman name.

Peu importe! as we say here in France. My reflections on your break-up apart from saying what a wonderfully brave and honest discussion you've got us into. Thank you already for that.

Karmically, according to Taoist thought, one is drawn to a woman/man who will incarnate one or some aspects of one's mother/father, the person (s)with whom one has the strongest Karmic relationship. When and if the relationship dissolves, it is because there is no longer any need for that aspect of each of you to be brought to your daily life/consciousness. You are ready to move on.

It can be that you will never feel the need to find another mate or it may be that you will be drawn to someone with another perhaps sweeter and gentler aspect of the soul that was or is your mother. Or it can be that you will be drawn to the dragon/Kali side of a new partner depending on what is the most beneficial for you in this incarnation and at this time.

In any case rest assured that it was all decided a very long time ago and that as the I Ching teaches us, if a huge problem comes your way, it is for you to learn from and to stretch your ability to be compassionate. You only get those that you can handle. Hang in there Bro!! Dana in Aix en Provence, France

I really appreciate this post from coming from you because I feel that I'm one of those people (I have it all figured out), but it doesn't feel good or I'm still waiting for the great effects. And it's been 7 years of waiting for me. I'm taking my cue from you and I want to ask my friends what they think..but I feel that they usually tell me what they think I want to hear...any suggestions?

It takes a while to discover, but we spend a lot of time thinking we're learning about the world and about other people, when all that time we are really only becoming acquainted with ourselves. Even a "bad match" can reveal a new level of you, if you look at it in the right light.

Everything works if you let it.

Things have been going so smoothly in my life for so long I'm seriously waiting for something to come along and knock me on my ass - and knowing how life works, the longer things are smooth, the bigger the ass-knocking is going to be ;)

Great post Derek. It is important for us to live our lives even though it doesn't always work out, and it is odd how loss can lead to the growth we need. I wish you well going forward.

OK Derek, it is FINALLY great to dispense some wisdom the OTHER way... First, there is a Jewish proverb that describes your situation beautifully: "A worm in coleslaw thinks its whole world is coleslaw." You are not empty, you are not lost, you are not worthless. You are exactly the same person you were when you were married as after..the only difference is HOW you are SEEING yourself (in coleslaw). As Emerson said, “If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.” Dude, you have lost your confidence... yes, it hurts, but as I say, "If you truly know how to love, you can never really get hurt." So, here is the point friend. Take some time to love yourself!! What you say? Is that not narcissistic? No, it is necessary for you cannot give to anyone else what you have not given to yourself first. I know these sound like platitudes, but they really are not. It is a hard journey, but you like going to that undiscovered country..which is you my friend. I close with this...“The mind is the master of the soul, and the soul is the master of your universe. Learn to master your mind.” -Jeffrey Fry. Oh, one last thing...the BEST revenge is when you do not care anymore...

Sorry to hear that. Heartbreak and break-ups suck!!! And there does seem to be a sort of 'death and rebirth' process that happens. It's like a shedding of skin, being knocked down, suffering the pain of loss AND the pain of knowing you made mistakes, learning what you can do better next time, then eventually making peace with the past and moving forward.

Some people seem to move on quickly, but I feel compelled to go back through every detail with a microscope and torture myself thinking about what I could have done better, reading books and blogs about relationships and certain personality types. Not sure if this is a good thing! It hurts because I know that none of it will change the past - but at least then I know I did my best to learn from it and do better next time. I also tend to write songs about these painful experiences, which unfortunately seem to drag the pain out further...but make great songs :)

Glad you have a good support network. Conversations with friends, cups of tea and long walks all help, I think! Or come to Brisbane, Australia, and get some sunlight!

sometimes when we fall down its nice to just lay down and relax... appreciate the view from the bottom..look up at the sky.

i love being wrong, too! it's freedom, actually, to live with that awareness! i play "what if?" when the shit storms happen, or even a small thing feels it shouldn't be: "what if this is actually happening FOR MY SAKE? what if this is actually the ANSWER TO MY DEEPER WISH/PRAYER/NEED? what if? and it's not like i have to answer "yes", or feel like i should answer "yes, i see that it is", but inevitably, something shifts in a big way. i stop resisting the reality of what's happening -- i also stop drowning in it! if, in fact, there's even a possibility that it's happening FOR me, why wouldn't i meet it openly? if it's with grief that's wanting to happen, with rage, with humor, with a helmet, with whatever. i'm very happy for you and this great big reminder you got!

Derek, I'm so sorry to hear the news my friend. You are one of the most positive people around and it's people like you who get back up from a tragedy/loss like this and come back stronger with a new perspective and do even greater things and live life even fuller than before. Your insights in this article are inspiring to me as I went through a painful breakup not too long ago and still piecing life back together. I aspire to approach it as positively as you are. And I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers as well. Thanks, Derek, for your openness and positivity.

I call it the mud pit cause it's so sticky. Been there many times in love. It is a great composting spot from which we can grow in ways never known before. Thank you for sharing that side and your experience. It makes you more human. Glad you are coming around though !

Derek,
This may be the beginning of something great, for you, again!

Sorry to hear about the bad news. Life is the meaning of life. Try reading Tolstoy. I hope you feel better and can avoid self-destructive behavior. Follow your conscience. I can't really say I know what you're going through. Your innovations have helped people connect with others in meaningful ways. I look forward to what ideas you'll come up with next. I love you, friend.

Bro, you'll be alright. Go through whatever you got to go through within yourself, but don't beat yourself up. As I am sure you realize, whether you're right or wrong, most of the time things just run their course. Some run for a long time, some run a short time. It's just part of the process.

Like Charlie Munger says "life will knock you down again and again. If you'll stay down then you'll be another has been. What defines us how we get back up." Keep up the positive attitude towards challenges Derek.

How strange...I was JUST thinking about you and your vow to live an itinerant life together, moving from country to country, and was wondering how that was working out. Great post, sorry for the pain, but I love how you alchemize sorrow and confusion into lasting truth and refreshment! An inspiration...merci!

Check this guy out. https://sive.rs/horses

Derek, you have the knack of having these updates that come along at a time when I can relate so much and provide an amazing amount of help to me. Thank you so much for your insights and for sharing.

Derek
When all is said and done more is always said than done.
Dispare is for sissies. All pain heals!
When bad **** happens focus on others or write a song.

Loving yourself inspires others to love you.

I admire therefore love you.
dan

SO glad you shared this with us Derek. It's so important to not be secretive about our struggles. Hey, I've written my best songs from pain and loss - and people are so grateful - we need to hear about our shared experiences.

I had a fellow songwriter, when talking about the end of his own lengthy marriage, say he'd decided to look at it, rather than a failed marriage - "a successful marriage that had run its course". That works for me! I have always felt we have an unrealistic expectation of marriage that it can't possibly fulfill and that we need to be MUCH easier on ourselves when it doesn't work. Primarily, we need learn to be solo in the world and to be very fulfilled and happy on our own - then linking our life with another person should enhance our lives. From what I see, this is rarely the case. In marriage (or its facsimile) it is SO easy to lose our sense of self - and get bogged down in the challenges of making our lives work in tandem with another and pile on habits and patterns of responding to one another that leaves very little room left for the enjoyment and passion we felt in the beginning. Plus, we always have the inevitable fall from the intoxicating days of "you are the one" lust that often masquerades as love. (Which is not to say that some people get very lucky and find a partnership that works for a long long time - sometimes for life - but it's very rare!)
And indeed, the recovery from the fall is FULL of great lessons about ourselves - and has created some of our best art! I love what one fellow here said: "Rather then mindless suffering, it was a painful growth spurt. It's not scars that remain, but rather a new strength." There is always so much to learn about ourselves and as long as we have that attitude of "what's great about this"? it can be an incomparable opportunity to learn about ourselves and the other humans. Again, thank you for using your blog to further the process!

Keep Loving!! Fill your life with love and appreciate everything that comes your way!

Divorce is difficult, but it opens up a space for new things to happen. So think positively about this very negative experience. It's horrible for a long while, but hang in there and remember (as trite as it sounds), you're not alone. BTW, you never explained how you were actually "wrong." There's nothing wrong about breaking up with someone. It usually means that you're growing.

Sorry to hear this. No word of advice. You know better.

Hey Man,

I'm one of the early pioneers of CD Baby. I may not have been the first Blues act, but I think I was one of the first.
So sorry for your loss. Any kind of growth takes growing pains. And like you say, you don't need to right all the time, sometimes you're wrong and you learn a lot from it.
It's only stupid people that don't learn from their mistakes and you're a very bright guy. Here's to an amazing year from here on out!

All The Best,

Nelsen

Break ups are physically devastating. Your mind has a place for your mate and all of the pathways to differing subjects have them attached. Every hug or kiss changes your chemistry. Your body adapts to your partner like an addictive drug. The deeper the connection, the more severe the physical shock is. It doesn't matter if the relationship was calm or tempestuous, if you were connected deeply its going to be a stunning shock when the removal occurs.

This is why the death of a pet or loved one is so devastating. It can take years to process and in some ways it never ends.

Tim Finn wrote a song and the key line goes "All the ties that bind us are invisible".

Inanimate things have the power to hurt in such a situation. When you put away the toys of a lost pet or special belongings of a parent it can bring the loss to life. Your dreams will carry this connection for a long time. I still have dreams where my parents are wondering why I don't contact them for such a long time, years in fact. But they have passed away and it is my longing to talk to them just one more time that the dream is expressing.

The lessons from such physical pain are useful in some ways. We might learn to be very careful when going into a deep relation. Making sure that the person is very compatible (that doesn't mean they are the same as you but that there is a social intelligence to your dealings with them. One which can absorb difficulties, minimize troubled areas and expand on positive ones) before embarking on a relationship.

The experience of pain from a prior breakup might make one be more careful in tending their current relationship even in difficult times.

Time has done its job in healing when one can finally look at the deceased person, pet or lost love one or friend in a photo and rather than feel pain, one smiles and remembers the good moments and what you loved about them.

You'll bring yourself out of the hole eventually Derek. I've only been married a few years but I know it must suck right now but you'll find something better eventually. It's fine to feel terrible right now, no point in trying to sugar coat it, just understand that eventually you'll get back to your default emotional state.

One good thing is that now you can do the things you've wanted to do that you couldn't while you were married. Live it up and enjoy being single for the time being. I know when you get older it isn't the same but now you get to experience all the fun things you did while you were single now with more wisdom.

Jonathan

Humility is the fodder of Compassion if we can only find it. Sometimes it lies under arrogance, anger, frustration, hatred, ignorance. It is the salt in our tears.
My mother once asked me if I ever tasted a tear as she touched one rolling down my face and dropped it on my tongue ~ I was humbled (and as you say surprised)
at the taste of my own tears. And then to think everyones tears taste salty ~ just like mine.

Love to you always Derek,
Sounds like the Love is growing even bigger, Ya?
Oya

And thank you, Derek. Wonderful piece.

Great article.. I loved reading it.

Welcome to the club. To quote Arnold Swarzzeneggar in the movie "Last Action Hero" when he's talking to the little kid: "What do you know? You're just a little kid. You still have your first divorce to go through". When I heard that it sounded prophetic almost like divorce was like getting your tonsils out. Plus most of my first album was written about my ugly divorce.

I agree, it is one of life's biggest learning experiences if you can understand why you got married and are more cautious next time. I've written a dozen pretty good articles on Divorce. Check it out http://acescafeamericain.com/2014/07/22/after-the-divorce/

It is the moments that challenge us that we have the opportunity to grow exponentially. A boxer that never gets knocked on his butt on occasion, hasn't really been challenged then. I saw a few documentaries recently that knocked me on my butt and revealed how wrong and ignorant I was about certain things. But now a new sense of clarity sets in and has led to a "phoenix-like" moment. To embrace the death of an expired existence, to the birth of a vision and perspective. It takes much courage to admit you're wrong as well. Very commendable and, as always, a great post Derek.

I understand completely what you mean here yet envy your ability to bounce back as quickly as it sounds like you have. I've had an long-time somewhat-similar belief: Only when things are really hard will I learn what I'm here to learn. That set up many not-so-terrific scenarios, but when I remember that that underlies one of them, I roar with laughter! "Oh, that again!" Look forward to reading about your onward journey.

Hi Derek,

I feel your pain. I can't think of anyone over 30 who hasn't been in your shoes. Several years ago I became friends with an 88 year old woman neighbor of mine. I would visit her and help her with the simple errands that had become to burdensome for her. She had been a psychiatrist in a hospital for severely mentally ill adults for most of her life. We sat on her couch and talked about life so many times I can't count them. Once I complained about being single and she responded with a great and simple lesson. Being single has a set of problems that need to be solved. How do we deal with the loneliness, the isolation, and the lack of caress, love and a bed companion. Then one day you find yourself in a relationship and before long you long for solitude, silence and possibly a few nights sleep in a bed alone. Being single or being in a relationship both have their benefits and problems. Life is not better one way or the other, just a different mode of being. Some day you're going to find yourself in the arms of a beautiful woman who loves you and who's a perfect match for you so be sure to enjoy this time alone while you can!

"If you are irritated by every rub, how then will you be polished ?"-Rumi
Rumi was such a perv. — Derek

I have enjoyed reading many of your posts and this one I see is a tough time for you. It is good talking to others and writing it out as you have.
I wish you all the best and you can be assured that all storms pass. Perhaps this was a "tsunami" in your life, but you will rebuild.
I don't believe in the "god brought us together" crap that some people claim. SO many of those marriages end up in divorces and some of them are into their 3rd and 4th marriages. People should just leave their blind faith out of life. Reality teaches us this and it often kicks us in the ass. But in the end you will be smarter and wiser. I have been alone my whole life and I look around at EVERY ONE of my brothers and friends in very rocky and unfriendly marriages. I would not switch places with them. Women are from a different planet. And so are men. One has to be ever so careful when entering into a relationship. It should be a five-year trial period to be safe. There are plenty of women that can be girl friends for a while and they too don't want to get too serious. Hang with them once in a while if you need them.
I am sorry but I just hate to see another guy a victim of yet another ugly divorce. Marriage is a religious institution and leave it to religion to screw things up.
Stay single, free, and you will have a rock-solid level of happiness that won't be wiped out by a relationship gone bad. Sometimes unfortunately this requires building some walls with some thresholds. Perhaps like using a compressor in a recording to prevent to wav file of life from getting distorted and worthless. Be careful. I hope the sun shines for you quickly.

Feel your pain brother!
email says you sent it 5 hours ago - 200 + hits from friends and fans all over the world.
Know the people that you 'turn on' with your words are here and sending good karma!
Write on!

I'm in that black hole right now myself. Different reasons, same despair. I'm normally so positive and willing to learn from life's challenges. Thanks for throwing me a lifeline. Hopefully knowing that sharing your journey with others and helping them cope will help keep that whirlpool away.

Every victim, even the most innocent of victims (who's an adult and not a child) has to finally look in the mirror and ask themselves: How did this happen? How did I LET this happen? How did I not see this coming? Can we be conned? Can we be tricked, fooled, flimflammed? Of course. And some of the folks that do it are really, really good at it. Some are "professionals." Still, "how did I get here" is the only question that helps us move forward with some self-assurance that, though we choose to trust again down the road (because after all, there is no alternative to choosing to trust and to love), we will learn and grow and see the things we CAN control which are our skills at seeing people, places and things for what they are. Wounds heal and the scars they leave are our roadmaps. Except they don't tell us where to go as much as how to move on down the road. Good luck to you.

Wow, Bummed but with you I always know that your spirit is stronger than almost anyone I know, These ordinary crisis' would for an ordinary guy be a source of anger, sorrow and pain, and they are...For a while. You have a sense of adventure that really outweighs almost everything else. Have no fear. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us. our reality has nothing to do with "their " reality or their dream, Never take it personally. You are a good soul. Peace my friend.

I always enjoy hearing your insights, your attitude is a living lesson for us all. Thanks for being so open and generous.

On the oblique path to where we want to go, there is a lot of ups and downs we can't plan for.

Life is like a good movie with some bad parts. Fortunately, we're the writers and can change the script.

One thing is certain. It's best to stay till the end of the show.

Hi Derek,

the most important thing is that you will be a good father for your children!!

And you have proved in your life that you already have all the necessary wisdom to make it!!

A good father is always a very precious treasure for a children and a children is always a very good opportunity for a father to keep on being a wise man or even wiser!!

All the best!

Fab

The only way to have an epiphany is to be wrong. You're a bright guy, and know that beyond every epiphany is yet another.

Tell your ex that you were wrong, not the web. Or, what exactly do you think you were wrong about? You are still together. Instead of being frustrated together, you are now mourning simultaneously separately. You are still having a 'shared experience.' It's not as easy to break a marriage as you think.

What did you fight about? Probably money, conflicting ambitions, mismatched priorities or some such thing. Petty stuff probably that was allowed to fester. Unchallenged assumptions that became false facts. We humans seem to always make the same mistakes, over and over again. What is so difficult about love?

When you give up on a marriage you are also giving up on yourself to a certain degree. You let the ball roll down the hill with the idea that if you start over it will be easier, but the mountain is just as tall. You work a long time to get back to the place you once were, when a bit of medicine or correction could have brought a lot more relief a lot faster.

Love, patience, compassion. Sometimes one party has less, so the other party has to give more. That is the nature of things. Waves come in and waves go out. Now that the balance is lost, now you know how important balance is. Don't let a moment of anger be a lifetime of regret. Fight it out and find the pain, and cure it. If you can make it, and break it, then you can probably fix it, too.
☺ Good advice. Thank you. — Derek

I don't know if I would say you were wrong, Derek. This is not an absolute binary proposition; there are nuances. If you were wrong, then there wouldn't have been any basis, at all, for your union. There was - and I would argue still is - something that you each saw (see) in each other that is so substantial, so honorable, so good that you were both willing to make the leap of faith. Remember you're not coding a program.

Now humility is another matter. I would venture that you humbled yourself enough to be vulnerable, allowing her to see some depth to the person beyond the obvious accomplishments. You cannot become one with another person (or the universe) without leaving ego at the door and thus leaving yourself exposed. This is a good thing and, in saying this, I would go so far as to say that you weren't wrong -- maybe not as right as you'd want, but directionally right enough.

Things may have seemed structurally sound, a masculine imperative, but the feminine part of our being seeks something that is, to make it simple, all about relationship(s). To embrace both - openly, honestly, and sincerely - is to embrace the fullest of our human potentials.

The void you feel/felt is grief and it seems that you've gone through the stages enough to find yourself at its final objective -- acceptance -- and that, my friend, is not wrong.

You can always talk to me, should you feel the need.

Please look at my email: [email protected]. Why did I use this for my email? We all experience "darkness" at times. My darkness is a sense of "nothingness." Please read this from King Solomon...1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
3 What do people gain from all their labors
at which they toil under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.

Wisdom Is Meaningless

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

15 What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

Sounds fatalistic, but it isn't. It's that drive to be doing, creating, absorbing, being...It comes down to this: Life has meaning. Striving makes us stronger, more determined. It takes us through to the extraordinary rather than the mediocre. Failing tends to make us more careful and ready to try new things while not forgetting the former lessons. God gave us a desire to "BE, to DO" and then gave us the drive to make it so.

PS I'm curious about what you would say back to me about this....please respond.

That is awesome Derek...and I agree with you fully brother. Getting knocked on our ass can be the single best thing for keeping it real and in perspective. May hurt like hell for a while, that's a good thing, if it didn't kill you you're going to come out stronger and better than before. Here's to growth bro!

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about this. As a friend of mine once said: Why can't life lessons ever be fun?

I'm so sorry to read this Derek but am really happy that you have accepted your positive side to it. Lots of love to you.

You know the line; broken is good, cracks are where the light gets in.
Thinking of you;-)
J

I'm so sorry to read this Derek but am really happy that you have accepted your positive side to it. Lots of love to you.

I always enjoy your commentary. Well done and a good way to turn a bad situation into a healthy outcome

vulnerability can lead to great things. It can also lead to bumpy rides with the wrong car load of travelers. Good to have invested in a community of strong friendships to help keep on the more positive track when the need arises. Friendships, love, community are the gift that keeps on giving.

What's great about this always gets answered if we listen! I once spent a day making fifty gig calls without a single yes. What's great about this yielded, "I am motivated" I am self directed!" I am persistent!" "They just couldn't afford me!" " I got to tell empowering stories all day!"*I can afford sixteen days of vacation!"
The next day I got sixteen new gigs.

Although definitely not as difficult as you are going through, but I'm the sole bread winner of my family (wife and 1 year old child) and just lost my job.

It is very humbling and yes, much like yourself, it's good to see myself again learning from others after being knocked down.

Hi Derek,

Greetings from the Bay Area.

I'm going through something quite similar.

Two books have helped me cope and try to make sense of all this chaos at the moment. Especially when you miss the person you love and it isn't working.

Welcome to the bewilderment stages of life.

# 1 The untethered Soul, the journey beyond yourself

# 2 Book of secrets, OSHO 112 steps

How did I get here? Whats to be learned? What DID I do to arrive here?

I hope you find peace on this path, long term all will be well.
Talking with others and sharing will ease your pain.

Best,
Scott

Like it says in the Bible: "All things work for the good for those who love the Lord."
You'll soon be happier than you ever were before. :)

Good one. I heard someone say "I love being wrong" a while ago and those words stuck with me. I love learning and when I'm wrong I learn something so you're right, being wrong isn't usually so bad. Sometimes the bigger the mistake the more I learn.

Sorry to hear about your break up Derek. I've gotta keep remembering what you've said here when I feel like things are going really bad.

Take care.

TJ

Thanks for sharing, Derek. That's the great enigma of life. To know happiness, one must know suffering. You’re going to get through this though. Just take it one day at a time. I’m here for you.

As a sincere friend, I feel for your emotions and feelings...... hope you can fill the "empty cup" with lots of happiness. Nothing changes the fact that you're hero of mine! I recently published two albums ("Lean on Me" and "Music for Yoga and More") with CD Baby that you found. I personally suggest few pieces to you as cheer up emotional support: "Lean on Me", "Parade-Wave and Clouds", "Tale of Peony Garden" and "Summer Breeze at the Sea". The "summer" thing was composed in VERY COLD Chicago winter last Feb. Look back, I may not have the motivation to do it if it was a comfy winter... Warm personal regards! From Gong Qian

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm also very glad you figured out how to work with the experience and come out learning. Best of luck.

Your loss was terrible - and I understand it because I have suffered that kind (breakup of my marriage) - and at the time I though it was the worse thing that could happen. Bt it turned out to be the BEST thing for me. We simply could no longer FIT together - and trying to make it work only kept me in bonds that did not let me fly. It took my only a year to realize it was a great opportunity for me - and I'm sure the same will happen for you. BUT not ALL losses and "falls on your ass" are equal. I lost my life and writing partner 3 years ago - and THAT loss made the earlier one look like a romp. I am still struggling and learning from the loss of my beloved Nick - so I think it's important to realize NOT EVERYTHING is easily soluble or conquerable. That doesn't mean we have to fall apart or fail. It only means we have arrived at a greater challenge because we are ready for it.

Ah, so sorry to hear of this pain in all of your lives, Derek.:( I was rooting for you all down there in the Squire...

Vulnerability and humility are vastly underrated qualities. Life has a way of delivering them to us when we most need them, no matter how unprepared we might feel.The degree to which we embrace these 2 qualities/lessons affects all relationships in life. Ultimately, continuous vulnerability and deep humility allow us to live each moment to its fullest, as we recognize that we were never in control of anything or anyone and who we thought we were is just an infinitesimal speck of our true BEing. Without needing to uphold the images of personalities long past their usefulness, we are freed to experience life raw - in all its excitement, grandeur, bliss, wisdom, and unconditional Love. You are on the brink of this great adventure, Derek - at every instant.

May you and Saj and your little angel child find the deepest Love in your hearts and share it in the best way possible throughout eternity, regardless of the particular forms of relationship. Sending love and many blessings to all of you...

Alana

Beautiful piece, Derek. I lost my partner and my husband (they both died within 2 years of each other)--boy, did I feel lost! But their loss ultimately freed me -- I am so much happier and stronger and clearer about what I want than I have ever been. So onward and upward, my friend. Love having your input in my life...

Thanks for sharing Derek. Good to hear from you as always :)

Sincere, and profound.
Eye opener.
Thank you Derek, for sharing....
Similar happened to me last year, very similar.

You weren't wrong. You had an experience. Some last longer than others. We grieve to remind us of our frailty. The pain will imbue tomorrows with new ideas.

Wow--you are the second man today to tell me that he lost a wife. The other one had his wife of 54 years of marriage divorce him, lost his home, and finally found an apartment that he will be able to move into in October--I don't think he is doing anywhere as well with this as you are as he's over 70 and old man don't seem as open to change or learning. Glad you are still young with so many options and choices & are able to learn and move on--you are lucky for this loss to happen in a time and place where it will benefit you :)

I just had this happen to me. July 2nd my wife left me after being together since Dec 06'. I feel your pain and have been going through alot of the same issues. I am typing on my phone on a lunch break so I will keep this short. Your like a mirror at the moment for me. Thank you.

Right on! Being humble isn't a bad place to be ;)
All the best Derek.

Great post Derek. I've been going through a lot of what you were describing as I ended a 3 year relationship a number of months ago. It was also a situation where we were both trying to "make a bad match fit" I'm glad to hear you've found a positive perspective from the experience. I'm still working on mine. This one hit home.

Very sad, Derek. Thanks for sharing.
You didn't mention your baby in the post. I thought I remember you said that you had a child in the past.

I wish you much healing.

Your wife will be always part of you but at a different dimension. Embrace, love the past and leave it behind.
There are so many great experiences to come! Enjoy the new life, you will rock!

Hi there --

My heart goes out to you. My feeling is if we let the people who love us genuinely love us -- we get a piece of everyone's heart. And then, your own heart can end up being an even bigger heart than what was there before the hurt. I'm also touched (with tears in my eyes) by your courageous sharing. You also write so well that I can feel all this having met you just the once. I'm back housesitting in Welly-proper -- December -- and will be creating lovely picnics, meals and proper lunch parties and will look forward to inviting you along. Until then, Lydia

Dear Derek: Thank you for your courage and honesty to share.

Be gentle with yourself. It took me two years to get "over" the break-up of my marriage. For me, the lessons learned came slowly, but music and the support of family and friends is what sustained me. It didn't lessen the pain - only time did that. But there is an "awakening" that occurs in its own time, and you will be left with the loving memories of your relationship. You will eventually see only the gifts and the blessings of your marriage, and these experiences will enrich your life, as well as lives of those around you.

Derek-
We can all relate to your pain. Usually you give US the advice. At my age I feel qualified to remind YOU: It's ok to let yourself grieve as long as you need to. But not TOO long. Then it's back on the horse and ride, my friend. The great adage "she's not that into you" probably doesn't apply here, but I use that one in my life. Wish I knew that at an early age. Would have saved me countless depressed nights home alone.... (Ahh, the 80's.....)

The only other things to keep in mind: Keep busy. That's the only thing that will get you out of any funk with near 100% certainty. And we all know you love to keep busy... Make yourself leave the house. And don't forget to write some songs! Even though you may tend to write the heartbreak-kind, give yourself a challenge: Go the other way with it. Write songs about love and happiness. They may come out lame, but it's a good exercise and keeps you busy, right?? Love is hard. But you knew that.

Good luck with it all--
Robert-

A very wise woman told me, "you're going to feel this way until you don't feel this way any more. Pushing it down, behind, up or around won't make it go away. Say hello and eventually it will go."

I'm still practicing but it sounds like a great plan.

Hugs from a random stranger and fan.

Sorry about the marriage Derek. I know that friends, family, etc. always throw out advice. They hope their advice will make you feel better. But the one thing that I have always found is that hiding in a hole for awhile and thinking it thru is the best for me. I then, like you get clarity and realize that life will go on and perhaps be even better. I am glad to hear that you are moving on and doing what you do best.

Amazing words!!! U would never think a man can think like this !!! O tell u something !!!!! TOME IS THE ONLY MEDICINE X

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but I'm glad you end up seeing the light of day again. That being said... 27 years ago, after having been in love several times in my life, I fell in love with THE one. And she was loving back. Our love was so true, deep, intense, I was even amazed such a love could exist. 2 years later, she died of cancer. I was devastated. I even thought of taking my own life, but I couldn't, because she had a daughter who was devastated too, and I figured that if I did, she do it too. The girl was 20 years old, she had her whole life ahead of her, and I thought I had to be strong and make sure she'd be too until she would leave home. 2 years after my love passing, I was surprised to be attracted to another woman. I thought I'd never be able to love again, but there it was, right in front of me, right inside me actually. We got married. 4 years later we divorced. That was 20 years ago. And I'm still here. I'm single at the moment, but I don't mind. I'm not interested in relationships without love, and I'd rather stay this way than with someone I only share a bed with. But guess what? I love my life. I got my CD collection, I go to live music shows, I have great friends, I've travelled to different countries (mostly the States, though: blues music related trips) and right now, after having fallen into a severe Diognenes syndrom (Google it if you don't know what that is) for a few years, I'm having my place completly refurbished. It's costing me most of my savings, but happy starting anew. In the last few months, I've had a really bad discal hernia. My sciatic nerve was so injured that I couldn't even walk for weeks. And in the middle of it, I got a gout attack that got infected, and the infection left a whole in my foot as if it had been shot by a gun. Today, while my back still hurts at times, I can walk again, the foot is cured, and I can take walks in this sunny weather we're having, get together with friends, enjoy some live music, etc. And I'm loving every moment of it all!

Derek,

As a wise man told me once, reflect on the experience for about 15 minutes, regroup, and move on.

A couple of years ago, I listened to one of your books, walked into my employment place, and quit my the job that affected me mentally and physically. Bad decision from the monetary point of view, but a great personal decision that I never regretted.

Open a new chapter.

Eugene Salganik

I do believe that turning around bad situations to good is a hallmark of success, but sometimes it's freaking tough.

It takes a lot of courage to decide that no, it's not working out and that no, this isn't the direction you want your life to go in.

It doesn't matter if you're the one who decided to leave or the one who was left. It still hurts and feels like you've failed. You're left asking yourself the question: "Why couldn't I make my marriage work?"

When you get into another relationship (and you WILL get into another relationship) don't be afraid to express your honest opinions. The best thing about my current marriage (which is a second marriage for both of us) is that we aren't as afraid to speak up about what we like or don't like as we were in our first marriages. Mostly, we want and enjoy the same things out of life, and we've found ways to allow the other person the time to do what they enjoy without insisting that we agree on every single thing.

I worried about you when you talked about converting to her religion for her sake, that you felt it was no big thing. I suspect you now view it as a very big thing, and so does she.

I hope you can keep things amicable for your son's sake. You will always be connected to this woman through your son. Divorced or not, you will always be family, sharing many of life's milestones with her.

It's always a pleasure to read your thoughts, Derek. I'm sorry to hear about your recent split, but I'm glad you're finding some light in the darkness. All the best to you, my friend.

Dear Derek, relationships are one of the hardest trips to ride..sharing so much with another person can be scary and beautiful at the same time. We all have life to learn along the way. I don't know anything that exists that is forever except maybe the concept of infinity. damn right it hurts Derek, because this relationship meant a lot to you, in a very very deep way. You have grown in more ways than you probably even know since you've been with your wife. Keep you chin up and read some Rilke in silence when you are alone. We are with you Derek on your journey. Continue to love and celebrate who you are! The rest shall follow, peace in these times to you, Mark

Derek, I can relate. It sucks. I know. I've gone through divorce & my second marriage has had its moments. We take chances in choosing a partner and sharing a life with someone. We win. We lose. We're up. We're down. We're over. We're out. Sometimes couples are able to work it out. If family members start meddling and are against you, then it is even more difficult to get through & that's the situation I found myself in. Just keep being true to yourself and the loving person you are at your very core. Keep your dreams alive. Keep your friends close. Make new one's too. Try not to fall head over heals for someone too quick. I've done that. It's during the bumps in the road that we find out who we really are & who our true friends are and who will love us no matter what. A divorce is like a death. It takes time to mourn such a loss. If there is any hope for reconciliation, go for it. If not, then mourn it and move forward knowing you gave it your best shot.

Just read your article . . . .

Yes, we'll see . . :)

I love being in the evolutionary state of mind, that everything is on the way to everything ELSE! Also, when I haven't checked in with my emotions in a long time, and something happens to make me aware that I indeed have them, I'm always secretly glad the mishap happened, and glad to be reminded that I'm just a vulnerable human after all, as are we all, and I can relax and just let the feelings BE for a while, knowing this too shall pass. Eric, fuel all your other endeavors with this experience! Let everything work together. Your creativity, your work, your product, your solutions should all reflect the evolution of your heart AND your mind! <3

Derek,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts during this moment of reflection and solace. I can definitely relate as I've gone through it too and it wasn't easy either, but then, just around the corner were my best years yet and you're definitely coming out of the black hole, breaking free from the quantum entanglement of a relationship you cared about.

I know you've always been super self-reliant, which is great, but sometimes it's even greater when you realize you're connected in a special way to others who support you and your unique connection to the universe, and find you're an actor on a stage and it's your time to remember your lines, and give the very best performance you can -even in a drama.

Dear Derek, I am so very sorry for your loss. Breakups are very difficult. May I suggest to you a trip down to Sydney and visit the wonderful folks at Hillsong church. Please make an effort to introduce yourself to Bobbie Houston who runs the women's ministry and a tremendous marriage ministry too.
My hope is that your relationship with Sajitha is mearly damaged and not broken and a fresh perspective on God's purpose for marriage reconnect you in love and most importantly forgiveness.

I will pray for you everyday this month. Thank you for sharing this very difficult truth and I hope you find peace.

Regards
Tim Rewa

Website: Hillsong.com/Australia

I'm sure you will grow from this and that the lessons will allow you to make the changes you need to make in your life. Never easy to be wrong with life partner decisions though, at least you know you put everything into trying.

I remember a cartoon from Sesame Street that defined a friend as someone who picks you up when you are down. That's about the size of it. The other people in your life are "aquaintences". My Dad taught me that. Things should get better for you, Derek. I hope real soon. Shalom.

Healing prayers, Derek, my grandmother used to say, "I am never surprised when a couple splits up, only more surprised when they stay together because it wasn't so long ago we were all swinging from tree to tree!" Keep shining your love light for guidance, God has a better plan in mind. Everything happens for a reason and you will one day discover exactly why and how this disappointment will become a great opportunity. Virtual XOXOX take care, besides, why carry sand to the beach.

Fwiw, I've been there, and I can imagine your pain. I think you are a wonderful and extremely valuable person. Don't let this stop you.

Certainly nothing ever feels great about loss at that time when it is so raw. I'm glad you are finding some peace knowing you have friends to turn to and open up with about it all. Wishing you the best; and I always say, even when things seem at their darkest, we can learn something from it!

If you were in the area, I'd take you out for a beer in a place with great atmosphere and talk and listen...there's therapy in that. When you get physically injured, the healing time varies but eventually there is a point that you think you are 100% or close but the memory of it doesn't disappear. The big difference with emotional injury is it usually involves more than yourself.
That complicates the healing time...like loving to be wrong, emotional suffering has the same result...this is when we learn but more intently, I think. the positive possibility with a relationship issue, many times it can be resolved and there's another chance to make it work.
Forgive me for rambling, you've got the point.
Tip for the day, don't try to mask the suffering to get the full benefit of it.

Sending love!! You really are an inspiration even in your moments of pain... Feel free to call me anytime if you want someone to chat with ! I love being there for my friends - especially if they're having a hard time. Lots of love!

Hey Derek,
You know how to get your chin up off the floor - start writing. I wish you the very best as you move on to another stage in your life. Peace and many blessings to you.

A friend once posed the question "What do you regret in your life?" Quite a few things came to mind, but with each one, I realized that they were an integral part of the cumulative experiences that are my life. I can't reasonably guess how different things would be if I changed anything in my past - it could have made it better or worse, if it had any substantive change at all.

The benefit of this pondering was pretty simple: I like my life, and I like who I've become. Anything significantly different in my life - even things that I think now I might have preferred to be different - would probably have changed that.

That won't make things hurt less, but for me, it helps me to maintain a perspective that is positive going forward. Current problems, however devastating they seem at the time, become part of the cumulative experience and will contribute to who we become.

Your history indicates that you will continue to become someone you're happy to be, and this will be a bump in the path that got you there.

Thanks for sharing; you're an inspiration.

Bob

Well I can relate and cometely understand . It is important; that in this time ; of "being wrong" that you may reflect back on days when maybe down deep you knew what was really going on in your relationship ; but perhaps you were wishfully thinking things would pan out. Your only human; it happens and we do learn from our mistakes; so as you move on and heal and every day seems a little more bearable; smile and appreciate what sun shine comes into your life. You may want to be alone at times and reflect , and this alone time that you have at this time in your life is precious; write something meaningful(even if it's a song to yourself), even if no one ever hears it you will. Another thing keep some thoughts private, don't spill the beans completely; sometimes it feels good to let it all out , but then later we re think it through and feel a little weird about it.Creste something! Redecorate cook something rely yummy for yourself ; open up a great bottle of wine and celebrate you! Cheers!

Everyone can achieve his goal if he can think, fast, and wait--one of my favorite quotes from a favorite book, Siddhartha. I find the last one of these is always the most difficult, but the most rewarding!
Yes! I love that. Exact quote: “I know how to think, to wait, and to fast. These are very useful. When you throw a stone into the water, it finds the quickest way to the bottom of the water. It is the same when Siddhartha has an aim, a goal. Siddhartha does nothing; he waits, he thinks, he fasts, but he goes through the affairs of the world like the stone through the water, without doing anything, without bestirring himself; he is drawn and lets himself fall. He is drawn by his goal, for he does not allow anything to enter his mind which opposes his goal. Everyone can reach his goal, if he can think, wait, and fast.” — Derek

Sometimes things happen that defies explanation. When the cup is empty, we learn to cope until we find a way of filling it up again and find renewed meaning in the journey. But above all this, I just want to give you a hug.

The worst part of this kind of situation is that you go through the initial stages with no light at the end of the tunnel...total darkness. Then suddenly a tiny glimpse appears and you're off and running again.

hi ho-- Maybe go on that slow guiltless inner journey--street food is good. Be an absolute nobody in a foreign land. Don't expect any answers. Catching trains is nice. Sooner or later you'll wind up talking to yourself. When you do, Listen closely.

Derek, I'm very sad to hear about your situation. I'm glad to hear that you can keep your mind open enough to see the good things that are in your life. I believe that nothing good comes from taking things easy. The harder the situation or task, the greater the reward. I think it's safe to say that you're going to come out twice a great from this experience! Take care! :)

Hey Derek,

I've been reading your posts for a while but this is my first comment. I actually just went through a pretty hard breakup of a 4 year relationship. It totally sucked and even 6 months later, I still feel some pain.

But what I realized was that this was the best opportunity for me to find myself and redefine myself. So I focused on the things that were most important to me, and stopped doing the things I was not fully engaged with. The result is that I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a very active social life, I have more clarity over what I want to do than I ever had before, and I've been dating and enjoying the single life.

I'm sure you know all this but I just want to remind you that a few months from now, you'll look back at all this and be grateful to have this opportunity to grow into a stronger and better person.

Hang in there.

Andy

I'd rather be starting over from nothing and really live than die a little more every day to my real self. Hate giving up though, sometimes to a fault. I'm sorry. It's a loss in many ways but there are also things to be gained as you already know. :)

Lyrics to a song I wrote; hope it helps: "Life here on earth to heaven,
is an uphill climb.
Sometimes we have to go through things,
that have no meaning or rhyme.
But when we all get to heaven,
we'll thank God for bringing us through.
So for now we'll climb the mountain,
till we've learned what He wants us to".

Hey Derek! I, too, am going through a divorce. I believe that everything that happens in our lives is meant to be - whether good or bad - and offers us an opportunity to grow and reach potentials that we might never have realized if things had remained the same. Hang in there, you are awesome!!!

Dereck...did you married because you were in love? You wrote an article saying no...read the words that you wrote back then...and you will get the answer to your present questions...I have the same problem...doing things that I know that are not my true desires but because I can´t stand wait anymore for something that I don´t even know if it will ever happen make my fears grab a present time that will be a fall into my deepest truth when the future decides to correct my past choices..The universe loves truth and answers us with our own truth...we humans love quick solutions made upon fear...that´s wrong...and universe corrects it with truth...
Very observant! — Derek

Derek I so sorry to hear you had a bum marriage you seem like such an amazing guy your life should be filled with happiness.i am married almost 40 years .couples need to constantly work on their marriage when I first got married it was stormy and a therapist sent us to a marriage encounter weekend where I learned that love is a decision. Also never lose your humility. Whenever we think we got it made we fall on our asses.every day in life we have new opportunities and second chances.even Moses had a second set of tablets. It's a mitzvah to be happy so smile and go forward with your life . Best wishes .Michele

Hi Derek,

At the time I saw your blog post, you were resilient. You shared the journey that hurts and came to us as a role model again.

I love you as you love all of us.

Derek,

I trust Sajitha is coping with the hurt and pain as well as you are.

Being in the same predicament a year ago, I've found frequent solace in the memory of the deep love me and my wife once had. It can never be recaptured, but what a fine time of life it was.
Being "wrong" is like sand eroding the hourglass.

They say relationships can be the achilles heel for the solitude-loving, lost-in-thought INTJ. Being one, I understand this personally. I've always wondered, but never asked, how you balanced marriage with your clear desire to thrive in solitude. How does an INTJ manage that without making their mate feel lonely or neglected? (Maybe I'm being presumptuous about it factoring into the "bad match" equation, but I can't help but think it played a role. It has in my life.)

Comedy presents painful moments of life with wonderful perspectives.

Louis CK - I could have left
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQEDr105HwE

George carlin on women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgeLpFTNn8g

Chris Rock on Relationships Satisfying Women.avi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8NnE5z9L_o

Christopher Titus Love is Evol YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqxpTOIi4T8

Hey, write some songs about it. I went through that in 79. That's where the inspiration for songs like Goodbye ( I'm so in love with you) came from.

Well, since you got $22 million from DiscMakers (minus whatever you've spent)... I don't think you're going to be hurting as much as a normal non-millionaire

Thanks for sharing. We all go through these experiences in life. Use it as an opportunity to grow.

KUDOS TO YOU AND THE FRIENDS THAT HELPED EASE WHAT ONLY YOU CAN REALLY DO FOR YOURSELF... I found that being on this planet for 79 years has given me a variety of lessons...just yesterday I discovered that something that I greatly valued had 'disappeared.' I 'know' what happened to it but I will never retrieve it. The previous time that I was in this same situation, I stayed in bed for an entire day and was depressed for a long time afterwards...shared my predicament with my friends...who offered sympathy but no lasting help. Finally, I realized my 'loss' was irreplaceable...and I moved on, slowly at first...then as time went by, MANY 'things' took the place of the 'thing' I'd lost. Now, I realize the truth in the idea of one door closing and another opening WIDE!

I am very sorry that your relationship did not work out Derek. The Bible says "Molded as clay refined as gold" which helps me, but sometimes I just tell people "My name is Mud." My friends wrote this song which helped me a little with a different loss I had. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW5NKAqwXeM

Derek, I have learned so much from you. You are one of the most inspiring people I have been privileged to meet (online). It's times like this we are vulnerable enough to ask ourselves one of life's most important questions. "Why?"

I wrote a song for ya.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/throne-of-love/id553366529

Your kiwi mate.
Look me up if you're ever in Auckland.
Ray

So true. That's the beauty in being lost: being able to learn again.
x

Read in no particular order ACTS, PROVERBS, 1 JOHN, 2 JOHN and REVELATION. Everything will fall in to place, your worries will become GOD'S {Where my interpretation tells me ALL worries belong in the first place} and your days will turn to beacons of light and not disorder. Works EVERY TIME for me!

This is how we felt when you sold CD Baby, asshole, LOL.
☺ Well, selling CD Baby was the only point in my life that was even lower than this. — Derek

Have a listen to an Eckhart Tolle audio book. ;-)

Forget that drain sucking attitude, get with positive people and stay in the loop, but have fun doing it.

Apologizing profusely for making this about me, but, I will jump for joy the day I can get out of this horrid situation with the significant other.

I love your honesty and your insight. God bless you for your openness.

Oh. crap. So nice to hear from you, sir. But so sad to hear that. :( I'm sorry. I just broke up with my ex too, mine was 9-month relationship, but nothing compared to yours.

No worries, do whatever you want for a month or two. Take a break. Let it all out.

If you're still in Singapore, we would meet up and cry together. :')

I would love to buy you a drink from starbucks. lol

I remember feeling the same way a couple of years ago, going through the same situation. Being wrong is a beautiful thing, and the best part about it is, it allows us to experience something more in this world. Challenges us to figure things out or not. Find new meaning and discovering new paths to where you're going.

Dear Derek, The first time we met through the Universe was back in the late 90s--you were starting CDBaby, the internet was new, and I had just walked away from a 13 year marriage that had been in the dumps for a long time. I left with my Steinway, my cat, Daphne, and a suitcase full of dirty clothes. There were a few more things that accompanied me because the guy at Steinway Hall heard the desperation in my voice (I'd made up my mind the night before) and sent his A Team. Five of the biggest guys I've ever seen. The supervisor walked me through my soon-to-be former home and asked, "Is this your mirror? Is this your bookcase? Does this belong to you?" They paid no attention to how badly I was shaking. But bless them. I still have my Uncle Franks's bookcase, and some other family things that would have been lost along with the rest of my possessions that were dumped in the Hackensack River. At least my soul wasn't among the confusion of books and figurines. I thought the pain would never end. But it did. And I learned that you get stuff, you lose stuff, you get more stuff. And amazingly enough, love will win the day. Every decision you make based in love is never the wrong decision. Whether it's ending a marriage, quitting a neighborhood, or putting a beloved pet to sleep, if love is the basis of your decision, somehow you will survive. You contribute a lot to the Universe, Derek, and that you're hurting makes my heart hurt. I'm sending you a giant hug, and the wisdom that Albert Einstein told me in a dream when my life was at the very bottom, "It will be all right. I promise you. Everything will work out." Love, Virginia

Dear Derek,

You already have hundreds of responses, and you obviously have many friend who love you. I don't have anything particularly insightful to add. But you asked for thoughts, (and I am interested) so here are mine.

Several years ago, during a time when I was searching for advice myself (in many areas), I came across your book "Anything You Want". I remember finding it very candid and insightful. I wanted to hear more from you, so I went searching and came across your blog. I have been getting emails of your posts ever since, and guess what... most of the time I find your thoughts very insightful, and sometimes I don't :-). But that doesn't matter, because what I like is your candor, and unabashed authenticity. You seem honest about your observation of the world and your experiences, and unafraid to just be.... you. Hurt and all.

That is a lesson it took me a long time to learn, so I admire that quality.

I also appreciate that you are sharing your downs, as well as your ups, because I think people sometimes believe that if someone is successful, wise or insightful, that they never make mistakes or get into "bad matches". Yet the reality is that success - and even insight - doesn't make use less human. Thank goodness!

I am glad your heart is starting to heal, and you are finding some traces of silver lining already!

Sorry to hear. Hope this helps your offspring.

The Philosophy of Divorce
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZj_sy1khVs


Hope this helps, if only for the future.

The Philosophy of Marriage and Dating
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KScyb3_Xvkc

When I used to hear someone's marriage ended I used to say, "oh so sorry", until one friend who had gone through the divorce said "don't be". It took a while to realize that he wasn't sorry. At that time in my life I was married with 2 kids and couldn't imagine the anguish. Well sadly I eventually ended up divorced, and then I had the experience to empathize what my friend had said. Getting over failures always feels harder when it comes to the relationship with the love of our lives. Remember it always takes two, you can't beat yourself up about it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It's easy to think about "if I had just..." Or "if I wasn't so..." It's okay to be introspective and reflect on what issues you bring to a relationship are potential problem issues and work on them. Nobody is perfect, no matter how brilliant, or wealthy one is, love doesn't care. Love is living, growing, and unpredictable. Love between to people will always be flawed. It will always have it's challenges. Once I was asked if I believe in soul mates, and I said no. Later in life I asked a friend the same question. This friend who was raised in Israel by a father who was a highly accomplished in Kabala, a healer etc.. My friend said we are entitled to have more then one soulmate. That at first to me seemed to defeat the meaning if soulmate. But eventually after more meditating on the concept I couldn't disagree. In the end life is to short to live in self pitty, pain or dispare. Finding a way out of the hole is important. But that path is individual yet universal. To think about all the art in the world, and think how often art is the expression of a love lost? How successful has that expression into that art depends so much on the universal chord that art is able to resonate. So you know you are not alone. Friends, most important, knowing that you need to love yourself UNCONDITIONALLY first before you can live another. The problem is most people will never achieve that level of self. Love takes work and desire, along with the knowledge that nothing lasts forever, and for two souls to remain in sync together is rare and never without sacrifice and compromise. I'm sure you know that it's one thing to love someone, and so different from being in-love with someone. I have rambled on way to long now. But I'm glad to hear your getting support. Time heals and wisdom is learning from the experience of others. Best wishes to you and your heart. "I AM COMPLETE WHEN I FORGET MYSELF"

Thanks for sharing. You are human.

Derek - first of all I now understand why you have been sparse with your email thoughts lately - trying to mend and hold on to a relationship is time consuming and difficult but as far as learning as Deepak would say if your cup is full there's no room for more - time to take time for yourself and you will grow - tsw

...and of course heartache makes for the best songwriting material.

Seems to be a lot of "been there, done that" comments, so not going there (although I have been there, a long time ago).

I'm really not in a position to give advice..... but what worked for me was seizing the opportunity to do what I'd not been able to do - party hard, hook up, hang out, go on MY vacation, not HER vacation, buy MY car, not OUR car... those kinds of things, y'know?

Yes, it was short term, self gratification, which isn't everyone's "thing". But, what it stopped me doing was sitting back and reflecting - I looked forward, not backward - what I'd gained, not what I'd lost - what's done is done, ya can't change it, and I figured that moping around and "what if-ing" would get me nowhere, 'cept to the bottom of a bottle (or worse) and that wasn't a good place to be!!

Now, 22-years of second marriage later, I can look back, and do look back, frequently, but now I'm in that place where I can use it - and I can "channel" the good and bad memories, and put them to work, in a positive way.

Keep the faith

Kimbo

Hey Derek, sorry to hear of your loss. thanx for sharing this very personal, painful experince with us. it sounds like it is all for the best, anyway. one possible postive perspective on this: at least you didn't do it in california or similar states wherein you most likely would have lost everything you had left from cd baby to her! not to mention children!

Hey Derek - I've been following and reading your blog for years. Quite the bummer to hear that you've been going through a tough time but when I find myself with a broken heart feelin' not-so-jazzed, I think about who that true side kick for life will be for me. And right now, they are out there dating all the wrong people too (wondering if I'll ever show up). In a goofy way, it makes me feel connected to them -- wherever they may be.

Always happy to see you writing again,
Kendra

Hi Derek,

As usual your words come at a time when I most need them. Thank you for the reminder that when one door closes another one opens. In life, and I suppose, after it too! BTW, I also love being wrong. Recently, I was REALLY WRONG about someone who I gave a task to do and thought she wouldn't pull through. When she did, I wrote her an email and said "Not only do I love being wrong, but crow is a taste I find most palatable".

Nice one Derek. Life teaches us so much if we are open to learning. There is soo much to learn & times like this teach us that.
I never got to meet you properly at Learning Land pre-school in Nelson. One day I will. Cheers, Craig

Dear Derek: Loving kindness to you...a "failed" relationship can be a potent time to recalibrate our "projections/beliefs" on the concept of "love" (ie finding one's "soul" mate). The single most powerful (and painful) book that I have read on the topic is by Jungian thought leader James Hollis. "The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other." http://www.jameshollis.net/books/eden.htm Why painful? Because it forces one to confront our culture's false notion of "romantic" love; but profoundly liberating in helping one create a different pathway to relationship. Many blessings to you on the path.

Hi Derek,
There's nothing like the pain of a heart cracking apart,
The feeling can't be described,
They say it all heals with time, wait and see you'll be free,
Don't believe it, 'cause love can lie,
Just move on!

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.


I think you just got out of one of your holes. We adore and admire you Derek. Take us to the next chapter with you

This is a loss. Grieve.

When I went through my divorce, it felt like my flesh was being torn.

All of your posts have been an inspiration to me; thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and insights with us! When I first signed up with cdbaby I had never imagined that the biggest benefit would be receiving those brilliant Derek Sivers blogs every now and then - always perfectly timed (how did you know I was recently divorced and exactly in the right mood for your thoughts on this subject?) and always with that perfect mixture: affirming thoughts I already had on the subject, but at the same time adding some new thoughts, twists, or angles that make me look at well-worn thought patterns with fresh eyes. Thank you!!

The Power of Now is a great book which I've read many times and it seems to help remind us that this moment is the most important and we need to be here, now. Bruce

We all jump from the frying pan into the fire. Relationships can be as fragile as mailing glass wrapped in tissue paper, add a child to the mix and things quickly get even more complicated. Derek, I've been there, experienced the breakup, the children,the lawyers and the pain. Two people apart while legally attached, I know. For what it's worth, time heals. But time takes time and fails to address the deep struggles of 'right now'. Someone once said to me during my pain "What difference will it make in twenty years" Twenty years are long gone since I attained that advice, but memories linger. My thoughts are for you during this time. Give thought to prayer because it works, and my prayers are with you.

Hi Derek. Great post as always. So sorry to hear you're hurting, but great to hear you're on the up. All the best and take care. John

Great timing with this blog post Derek, thank you. My wife had cancer but asking that question "what's great about this?" revealed that there is a hidden good side to this, such as what I'm learning about everything. I wish you all the best in this new period of your life.

Hello Derek,
I am very sorry, to hear your news. My old mate Bill "Fletcher The Lecher", wonderful piano player, (terrible womaniser), once said to me, "Mark, if they did not have that one special something about them,we would throw stones at them! "Winning a lottery is easy Derek. All you need for that is luck. We reckon you are the best, dear friend, so there, hang in man, wait for something nice to come,
Ariel is your best mate & a really good person, so are you."
ps Dear Derek, like a private chat some time.

COincidentally, I've just read something similar
""Happiness is an enemy opf progress. If we are happy, we don't want to change things"
So , unfortuantely you have to be unhappy sometimes in order to be able to evolve

Give it to God, my Brother. After 50+ years on this God-prepared earth, you'd think I'd learn enough to keep my marriage(s), three to be exact, together? They all hurt differently. New emotional wounds popped up when you least expected it and old wounds, well, they never go away. You just get used to it being deep in your soul. If applicable, lets add on the kids! I had four from the first (all are grown and have families of their own) and a lovely daughter from my third wife - who just made five years old in Jan. So, if you're experiencing this factor in your recent break-up, again, Give it to God is my best advice, Brother. Take care, God bless and lets stay in touch Derek.

Firstly, you are in my heart! Even with all the esoteric wonderful thoughts and learning... There is pain. So I Psalm 22Psalm 24

Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

want to add that I will keep you in my thoughts and send some positive vibes.
Love ya man!

The lessons are there... This time your teacher is gonna be that transformative wisdom that is joy, cleverly cloaked as pain... The face of pain is easier to see at this time so that is the mask that joy will wear for you!

Thanks derek for new article,

Best regards,
Jan

hello Star - I remember hearing a famous author talking about her "3 successful marriages" - and as none of the husbands involved were dead, it was obvious her focus on the good bits. I hope you have some fun and only do what really juices you for the next bit and I suspect the next fabulous Mrs Sivers is on the planet somewhere and will show up when least expected - big up from london felix x

I agree 100% But of course, it took me a lot longer to see the truth. Tom

Hiya Derek,

That's a great mantra, "I love being wrong". It really opens it up and makes it ok to get out there, take action, move in the direction one wants. Thanks for sharing and godspeed!

And check out Phish's new song, Devotion to a Dream, definitely hits the nail on the head of this subject, I think you might like it. http://youtu.be/z1oHkKuHz8k

Brent

Hi Derek,
I am so sorry for the break up of you marriage. It's normal to feel all that you are feeling. It does take time and I wish you only healing and peace in the up-coming months.
Hadassah

"Life's a great big bowl of cherries, just be careful of the pits." .. Linda Chorney "Cherries" 

Well, I'm very sorry. I think the hope was that your marriage and family life would be immune to difficulties and destruction. Glad you'll survive it though and I do hope your wife is feeling somewhat positive too. Women tend to be devastated more completely than men I think, and hope she has all the emotional support she needs too.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Derek. It's really valuable to know what you have felt while passing for that journey of emptiness, and the conclusions you have got out of it.

I really wish you the best and congratulate you for the great friends you have.

Best,
Sergi

In light of your situation, suffice it to say "Time heals all wounds." You had an intense experience and I wish you the best.

Amazing how one can be so sure...sure enough to promise to devote one's life to something....to promise the completeness of forever.....and have it fall apart....and have it be a complete failure. What was it that made you so sure in the first place?

Thanks for sharing. That, sometimes, is all that is needed. You share so well!

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. Hopefully you have memories of times along the way that did. I heard songs before that didn't do much for me, but there would be one thing or sometimes more than one thing about it, that I would love, a particular lyric I'd hear or THINK I heard, a little grove, maybe the hook, baseline, instrumental solo, a dissonance or other nuance creating a certain mood, a voice or just the singer or a particular musician that I felt simpatico with. Sometimes I'd hear/see it played live and it was really only the moment and not the song that I felt endeared to. I've loved and lost and it can be a similar experience as we take in the big picture (bitter) but soon enough clarity sets in and its the little moments that we lived in (sweet little moments) that we can focus on instead and move forward using them as a reference for what we're looking for down the road. Life is just a vast amount of experiences, if we're lucky to live so long. There's really no getting it wrong. Though, I mistakenly think there is sometimes, until I get clarity. Maybe you know the song "Wasted Time"by THE EAGLES ---"You can get on with your search baby and I can get on with mine and maybe one day we will find, that it wasn't really wasted time." Take care Derek! :-)

Your article reiterates what humility means to me---to be open.

A bad experience always turns into a good one as soon as your learn from it.
All the best!

Holy Smokes, Derek!... Thank you for relating such an honest, open, and deeply human story... Once again, you manage not only to recover, but to inspire.

Hey Derek,

Sorry to hear about your break up. Over the years I've enjoyed your posts and feel aligned with you. I've been a pro musician and I'm an entrepreneur. I also teach meditation and write about consciousness. If you need someone well-rounded and wise to talk with - call me. Sending peace, your friend, Ken

Hi Derek:

One might start a movement here, if not careful; a first follower might kick in with their own story; others might join in; all of which might be a good thing, for how do we ever draw any lessons out that may be there to draw out, from results in our life; except via the process of reflection; drawing lessons out only possible via reflection; engendered by reflection ... and where does such reflection arise but in the making of a report, the telling of a story; no reflection, perhaps no lessons drawn out.

I can commiserate, in any case ... just going through a break up, of sorts, these past few days ... but with my FB account; there have been trial separations in the past, but we get together again, re-activate things from the past and everything pops back into place. Perhaps more on this later ... ;-)

All my very best to you and yours, though; those, too, that are still yours, and always will be a part of you; but, where there is now distance between you ... yet you are only ever a memory apart ...

Might be nice to write your young son a story, for him to read one day ... for you to reflect on here, as well ... about the four years together that you mentioned above, with his mother ... a way to then help you draw the lessons out, perhaps, that may be there ... or not be there as the case may be ... any there to draw out ... as you move on; those lessons moving with you then ... as you carry forward those pieces, of each of them, that you indeed do and always will treasure ... other things left behind.

You take care, in any case.

All the best - Cam

Aw Derek, I felt sad to read your post. Anyone who's ever had to go through a hard break-up, including me, feels your pain along with you and my wish for you is that as many doors open for you as they did for me. Sending much love and warm hugs across the miles of wires. You will always be brilliant even if the glow is a little dim right now.

Keep being open and honest, sharing the good and bad. That is what made cdbaby successful and what makes people and businesses gravitate to you.

Hi Derek, So sorry things have been rough for you lately. With your resilience you'll bounce back soon enough. Wish you all the best. Aloha, Doug

Being who you are, writing about the things you write about, you most probably already know this (audio) book. Still, on the off chance that you haven't, I'd like to bring "When things fall apart" by Pema Chödrön to your attention.

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Audio-Books/Self-Development/Emotional-Development/When-Things-Fall-Apart/16411

Always appreciate your insights. Plus, it's nice to know we aren't in this alone, some one who seems to have it knocked can be just as screwed up at times as the rest of us. all of life seems to be a learning experience, sometimes painful. If we aren't learning, we aren't living.

Dear Derek,

I wish you well in this obviously trying time, and hope that you and your wife will manage to create a good friendship with each other in your now separate lives.

After 62 years on the planet, I offer you what I've found to be my most trusted and true mantras: "This too shall pass"; "One never knows"; and, most important perhaps: "One door closes, another opens."

When something goes wrong... there was something we missed.
It is not destiny... it is something we missed.
Everything can be fixed.

I've ever shared to you that I used spontaneously principle, and you replied "Sounds like you are in the right path..."
I was happy n so driven to hear that from you.
For years (5 years) I've just moving from one failure to the next failure... and still in wrong... and keep in wrong.
Then I knew why many books I read was wrong... many advice is wrong... including your advice. It might not be actually wrong, it might just not fits to me.

Now I understand that everything is just logic matter.
The only reason students graduate from college is that they didn't want to think... so they want others show them how to do / to solve the problem... to copy.
The more I ask, the more I lazy to think... the stupid more I am.
I decided to stop asking for everything.

"When I'm thingking, the difficult becomes long, the easy becomes short...
and the best part is everything get solved.
When I refused to think, everything becomes hard, and the most things never solved... and the worst is I did something dull."

Condolences on the break up Derek. I've been there.

Relationships are often situational - they can be beautiful and inspiring, and feel like a match made in heaven. But often, as time passes and situations (and the people involved) change, individual needs/goals/aspirations diverge and compatibility breaks down.

There are a few couples, who are lucky to grow together, and so the "fairy tale" lasts. And many others, who simply compromise and adjust together. I'd recommend your "Hell Yeah! Or No" strategy, and I hope you find another "Hell Yeah" girl! :)

Hence, I say that a great relationship doesn’t need to last forever – only as long as it serves both parties. And, just because it didn’t last forever, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a great relationship for some time.

Cheers!

Pratik

Thank you for sharing, there must be incredible amounts of empathy on this.....Keep on going, I prefer the Ariel route to really learn.

Wow. I'm amazed and impressed by your openness and your ability to find the benefit in what must be a challenging time. Best wishes over the wire!

When my first marriage failed my brother suggested that I write about the whole next year in terms of happiness.
It helped a great deal when I would find myself wondering how long the sadness would last.

Every day above ground is a good day. Start each day like it was a blank page in a notebook. Then let life write on it what it wants.

You know what I learn when my life pours down a rat hole, and then ultimately rises again?......."It feels so good after feeling so bad!"
I think we were designed this way, Derek. None of us can go through life feeling good all the time or we wouldn't know what feeling good was....Divorce is always painful, no doubt, but there's always that inner strength we all have to dig our way out of that rat hole when we need it. There will come a day when you're feeling on top of the world again. I don't know if this helps but it's from the heart.

I get where you are Derek.... I am very sorry for your heart ache and pain. Truly I am... You will come through this dark night of the soul. You will draw great appreciation once light cracks the dark night. If you are in a very dark cave, pitch black, and someone strikes a match, the value of that little flame is beyond words of gratitude. It can keep you from falling into a huge pit or keep you from walking on a snake. But, when its 12:00 noon and the sun is shining brightly, and you light a match, there is no appreciation for the little flame because you can already see what's before your eyes. Only through the dark night of the soul can we truly appreciate the 'little' spark of light...

I want to say something profound and helpful beyond, ugh, that's awful, I'm sorry...you're a wise, wonderful, funny, inspiring man, and those truths will just keep spiraling you up and up and up into ever better things. Thank you for telling us, Derek.

wonderful perspective on difficulty. thank you derek

hey Derek,
I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment, and you will know that this too will pass. I don't know anyone that hasn't been there and done that as some point in their lives. Sometimes more than others.
I trust that you are able to wake up each morning with something to look forward to and in the future look back on this relationship and feel blessed that you experienced it.
Infinite love and gratitude.

yep...those most challenging situations are our greatest teachers...doesn't mean they feel good...in fact, they usually are the absolute most painful, but if we are open to the lesson it is a gift...glad you were able to find the lesson and receive the gift from this difficult circumstance...namaste

I am not sure if your story about break up is true! Do know you are a majestic writer who dares to ride/writes on! Also know, I fell in love with you when I first met your voice! Would you consider marrying me? IM only 71! OMG, how did that happen? Seriously DS, Love you! I am spending time trying to promote awareness of the needs of our Militery Men and Women! I'm asking people to download the #1 song on the album so many dollars can be sent to nonprofit charities that help them get back on track! You can call me anytime! You have my number! http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/generationgap4
Love you,
Sharon/sharing on

Derek - thanks for being so openly candid. I know many of us have felt that kind of pain. Can't say that I love being wrong, but I do realize that we learn lots of lessons along the way even though we feel like dying during the process. Life takes us through many phases and challenges; but we never know what awaits us around the corner. Some people are just passing through, so we have to accept that and cherish the memories. Take care.

Courage is not the absence of fear, rather it is the acceptance and mastery of it. Well done and once again, thank you for sharing
Cheers

Sometimes it's a good thing when we are wrong. I believe it makes us stronger for the next time when life throws us a curve. I believe you have to have the good as well as the bad. That's what makes us stronger.

Learning to love God (Bhakti-Yoga) makes us more tolerant in marriage. Like this we have a chance to accept and let go of the shadow aspects of our partner. Without God it's just too painful. I've been together with my Karin for 30 years now. We have to serve our partners. Stop trying to dominate - cooperate on a base of equal value ...
You have still your dream partner to meet in this life, Derek :-)
best wishes
Peter

Hi Derek,

Firstly, hugs to you. I have been wrong about my marriage too and I know what it is like. It is okay to be wrong. We learn from our mistakes and move on. In the end though, whatever choices we make at that time is the right one even if you think it is wrong at some other point in time. So, you are wrong about being wrong - and the two wrongs do make a right in this case. You'll be alright, Derek. I hope I have confused you.

Yeah man, when i got hit by a debilitating incurable disease at the same time i met a wonderful lady who has done everything she could to help me for 12 years, i became the love of her life, until two years ago when she got burned out, had to stop and choose life, because i did not give her as much as i was receiving from her, leaving me alone to deal with my precarious health, and i got badly depressed. It took me two years to re-bounce, and though i am in terrible physical shape, my spirits are sane and i feel so grateful to her for the things i learned about life, love, listening and being present. I know now that with every bad moments come some great ones, thru tough times i became a better man, and this is precious thing man.

At least it wasn't 44 years. It could have been a lot worse. Be thankful you realized it relatively early on. I was in a bad relationship for almost 30 years. Be well, Derek. Glad the sun came out... xo

Hey Derek,
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose something you hold dear and there's no way around that...But, you are right. Loss and failure really teach us something valuable. They open us up to what's real and true...That who we really are is really stronger than the loss and will survive it. I also find it brings me to a place where I'm much more able to connect with the world around me. I'm inspired by how open and willing you have been to make connections with total strangers (me.) I have a feeling this experience will make you even better at that. Keep going.

Hi Derek, I am taken back by your break up. I remember when you got married and I thought that you were that kind of person with such a universal spectrum of identity that your wife could have been from any nation, any religion or any culture, but compatibility my dear brother is the ace to a great relationship, but only love can be love. Sometimes though when you feel so awfully alone and deserted, remember someone you may have thought might not be your ideal partner, could be a dear friend and a almighty companion; and the most incompatible person who is at odds with you in your likes and dislikes could be the one who will give you real support in things that are important and matter, even though you may not see it that way. Love is a two way street but sometimes accidents happen and there is a collision. Then you have to salvage the good and rebuild your life which will take time and patience; but you your old self has kicked the hell out of failure and providence has always been on your side. Maybe its nobody's fault that things don't work out, maybe its for the best, but love can crash, love is so fragile and like everything else it has a destiny that cannot be foretold. It can live or die. Its not your fault nobody can tell the future, but you can plan a new destiny. You are not helpless, fate has smiled on your business acumen and brought you loads of success. I am sure something great will happen again. Time will heal, you cannot will it to do so, but it will, in its own time and then you will be up and running again,

Your friend who gave you an erotic interlude and the other one who suggested playing the field and enjoying it were correct, and good friends. Young women are put off by young guys who are all into me me me. You are NOT, as far as I can see; plus, for 4 years you have been thinking in stereo. Great advantage. Have a ball, young lad. Much more to come.

Derek, first off; I am very sorry.

About eight years ago I too got a divorce, after 20 years.

The good news is, shortly after my divorce; (a year to be exact), my college sweetheart emailed me and we have happily been together for almost 8 years now.. We are very happy and have never had a misunderstanding..As a matter of fact, I NEVER thought that it was possible to have what I have today.. Seriously..!

My point, you have a ton of good graces, talents, intelligence etc. I am sure that when you least expect it, things will change in a big way for you..

In the meantime, think of the things you have not done yet and go do them!

Don't forget, there alot of women out there that would love to have a handsome, intelligent and thoughtful man like yourself.. Really, just believe and envision that anything and everything is possible... Your friend - George Iglesias

One door shuts, another door opens whether in a relationship or a business. But we must remember the experience we have endured, and a brighter future rises with the sunrise. Such a joy to hear from you Derek, Keep smiling!

Sorry to hear about the divorce......divorce sucks, ....but life goes on and there is something better around the corner. God bless you!

The key for me with loss (of relationships, lifestyles, resources, opportunities) has always been to take the time to go through stages of grief. Grief's not just for losing a loved one to death- it's also the healthy way to process our other losses as well. Kind thoughts to you D.

Aw, life.
Love your candor.
Well, candor back-
I'd go out with you any day.
You're awesome.

Thank you for your heartfelt and wise words Derek. If there is one thing I learned in life, meeting difficult times with openness is one of the best skills I can have. When I flow with rather than resist pain and the lessons it teaches me, I am in a field ripe with new possibilities. Letting go of a marriage is never easy so it's nice to hear you are giving yourself lots of TLC.

I like your image btw. Indeed our emotions can be like a whirlpool, sucking us into despair if we let it. So we learn to let go and be with our emotions instead of letting them carry us away.

Hey, Derek. It does suck, but you don't.
A hug offered and sent long distance.

nice!

I think divorce is like taking a band-aid from a hairy part of the skin. It hurts, but you can’t live the rest of your life with it sticking there. Maybe I am stating the obvious, but aside from the “lessons learned” aspect, it saves two lives from being miserable for the rest of their existence. I think every divorce should be celebrated after the emotions calm down as much as the wedding.

Derek,

You are such an open soul, and I feel like anyone can connect to you.

For the second time in less than a year, I find myself in very similar shoes as you but for different reasons. I was let go from a really wonderful job exactly a month ago today, and while it completely knocked the wind out of me and hurt like hell for a moment in time, I was ultimately able to keep moving forward because I already had a business plan of my own in motion that I knew needed to be pursued and brought to life. I know that losing my job happened so that I could be freed up to create and share my knowledge with others, but honestly, everyday, I feel scared, uncertain and uncomfortable. However, with all of that said, I've never felt more aligned with my life's work and high on my own life, and that is what ultimately keeps me going through each moment when I don't know what's about to happen next.

I feel like that's the point of these experiences: To shed light on the fact that none of us ever have it figured out no matter how much "security" we think exists in our lives; at the end of the day, it's all an illusion, and it's people like you who are endlessly inspiring to read and listen to because you have the courage to walk through these experiences and open yourself up to feeling vulnerable. That is truly the purest and most honest way to experience the world, I think, and to know that there are others out there who share this approach to and outlook on life, who are able to be grateful for the humbling, terrifying, ass-kicking experiences, is the greatest comfort to me especially for what I'm going through right now.

Thank you for sharing yourself on a deep, meaningful level. I've read your blog now for a couple of years, and I can honestly say that to date there is no one I've come across who writes and communicates as profoundly as you do. I'm such a fan of yours and am very much looking forward to reading about what the next chapter looks like for you.

Take care of yourself, and be well.

All the Best,

Hadley Gustin

Hi Derek,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a sad time, but knowing what kind of person you appear to be, you always seem to turn e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g into a success in your life. Out of this downer I expect something absolutely beautiful to emerge that will make a positive difference in,not just your life, but in ours!

Yep. Been there, done that. Third relationship ended 7 years ago and then he died last Fall much too young. Right now, I feel as if I have learned some from two marriages plus, and now that I've been single for the longest period in my life, I notice how important relationships are and yet how fragile and easy to lose out one way or another. I will say that some of the best times--the most creative, exciting, and productive--in my life have been following a break up. I get what you mean, Derek, by loving to be wrong. Stay centered in who you are and be well, but I somehow know you don't need anyone to tell you that. :)

Sorry it was so rough for you. However, getting out of bad relationship is always a good thing. later you may even ask yourself why you stayed in it for so long.

Once you think "...the end of an era..." - pronounce it in a John Wayne sort of way to sound like "Error" - This makes you laugh a little...

"Unfortunately, it is human nature for us to only learn and grow from a place of emptiness. It's hard to learn when we are winning and on top of the world."

~Yehuda Berg

It takes strength to be weak. To be transparent, to be vulnerable, to be broken, to be human is to be embraced. Thanks for allowing us to share in your authentic journey, Derek. You now qualify as one of author Henri Nouwen's forlorn "Wounded Healer(s)." Caring for you both.

Mistakes mean we're human, and being wrong means another chance to learn. The great thing about being down? The only way to go is up! It's refreshing to read a raw post from someone who isn't simply trying to promote the best parts of life, and embraces that sometimes it's just downright ugly.

Thank you for sharing this. I have been through the situation a couple of times and it really does suck. Each time you think you have it right. When really you don't have any control over anything at all. Like yourself, I hope to learn from my life situations. And the sun does rise every day whether we see it or not.

Derek, how surreal to come across this post now...my wife of 20 years just dropped the bomb on me that she wants to separate (and likely divorce) on September 2nd...surely the same or similar timeframe as your news. And like you, I have been knocked on my ass HARD. I never, ever thought that this could happen in a million years -- but there it is, it's real, and here we are. You post is not only serendipitous but so, so therapeutic and helpful...I can't even tell you. Truly a lucky, cosmic coincidence as I hadn't checked your blog in a few months and had an inkling tonight that I should. Wow.

Thank you and all the best

Almost a year ago I was almost in your situation. My wife and I were that close to divorcing. We spent a month apart, and I've read a book by Harville Hendrix called Getting the Love You Want. It changed a lot how I saw my marriage and myself. For the better.

I've been reading heavily about psychology, relationship and leadership for many years already but this one was right on time. I've written an article about my experience, here is the link: http://fromoktogreat.com/love-the-right-way/

According to your story, if you want to read it, you might to skip to the last part (Some Couples Cannot Be Saved). Maybe it can help a bit? Or maybe I'm wrong :)

Keep going.

Derek,

This arrived in my mailbox today - a day after reading your blog - and it made me think of you/your situation. I'd never considered looking at things this way before.

The Obstacle is the Path: A Zen Proverb

Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said as much when he wrote, "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they happen.
But since many years now, I've learned that there is always a good reason and that there is no need to know why right now.There will be a perfect moment to understand the lesson, when I'm ready. Try to be patient and loving with yourself until then. Love your posts... always. Patricia

Hey Derek,

Wow, thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this. Maybe, my previous e-mail was a little bit of bad timing in some of the things I mentioned. The fact that you took the time to write as thoroughly as you did really means a lot especially now knowing that you were dealing with something much more important in your personal life but still had an e-mail exchange with me, says a lot.

Allow the grieving process to play itself out and continue spending time with friends like you mentioned above.

Matt

Hi! As always inspiring and something to remember..

Now that I've been very surprised at the breakdown of your marriage for a few days I have changed my mind; I'm not sorry and have decided that you both need your asses whooped. You weren't under aged or ignorant and "bad match" be damned. I distinctly remember you falling in love with your wife at least twice. I'm inclined to blame the man 'cause generally that's where the blame lies. It is possible that your sweet little wife grew horns and turned into a bitch but I doubt it. Maybe you've tried almost everything to make it work but I doubt that too. You're both intelligent and while it sure as heck is none of anyone's business I'd be fascinated to know what blinking excuse you two found to throw in the towel. Unless one of you is sacrificing small animals or drinking blood I just don't see any good reason but I suppose one or both of you are being an/- ****wipe/s. Darn, Now I'm very sorry again when I'd rather be intensely irritated. It's a good thing you love being wrong because this b.s. is all wrong. Ha! going to play Black Sabbath's "Changes."

The sun also rises

The answer my Dear Friend Derek is in rituals, Anything that will succeed short-term, Mid-term or long-term have daily rituals that make them work. what ritual do we need to put in place to prevent life from happening to us? what is our ritual for love, friends,money and health? Am very sure we all know the answers; but we tend to add more weight in our mid-section and wonder why the food we eat is not keeping us slim. You will be fine.
Khalil

god bless Derek, it's never fun going through this kind of thing but u have the right attitude and I know u'll bounce back...don't let the wrong one keep u from trying again...life is better when it's shared with someone u love xoxoxo

Breaking up is never easy... especially after 4 years. I think there is a certain amount of wallowing, feeling bad, self-pity etc that has to be gone through to truly move on. Otherwise you're just in denial (and deferring the pain till later).

Sounds like you've gone through the difficult phase with the help of some great friends.

Wishing you peace on your road to "recovery".

Hi Derek:

I really like the comments and advice above, too, from Steve Consilvio (# 211); like you; lots of fascinating replies to work through here, in any case; i.e., to potentially draw lessons out from; truth is, though, only you and yours will know what's right, for each of you; or, what rings true, or not, for each of you.

On a personal note, it's 40 years ago this past June that my wife and I first met; it's also 32 years since we first "really" got together; it took me a while, it seems, (eight years?) to convince her there might actually be something between us worth honoring; but, there you go; our 30th wedding anniversary is coming up this December (we eloped that year, to Santa Barbara; we were married by a judge in the courthouse garden, there; maid of honour was my wife's identical twin; best man, my wife's twin's husband).

Will we make it to 2015 and beyond, together; well, who knows; there are never any guarantees, in life; but there's a lesson there to pick up in life, tied to that, i.e., the lesson I call the "Absolute Uncertainty of the Certainty of Any Outcome"; wrote a bit of an essay on that one, once; rugby media related, of all things; perhaps I'll send along a copy if I haven't done that before.

That said, if things do get choppy, I'd like to think I might check back and re-read Steve's notes here; the other comments here, too, for some perspective; yes, I think I'll bookmark this page in case we do indeed hit choppy water ...

Which reminds me, by the way, of a sailing trip in late '86 Wendy and I took across the Cook Straits, as guests of some friends ... in a true gale ...

LOL, my wife will never let me forget she tied herself in down below in the galley thinking we'd die, and I left her there alone while I stayed topside ... no twin wants to die alone it seems ... being topside, not to man the sails, per se ... we were running only one sail, that only partially up but set in place in any case ... no, topside for me to stave off sea sickness as I felt more steady "inside" up there ... lol ... we survived; one tack straight from the Nelson harbor area to the entrance to Wellington harbour ... at 6:00 am the winds had been calm ... later in the day, well underway, it was a different story ... by then the ferries had been cancelled ... we just kept on our trajectory ... eventually, motoring up the straight channel into the secluded Wellington harbor, itself ... a final slow process all on its own, there, straight into the waves in the channel ... passed as we were by a tug towing in a smaller sailboat (our friend's boat was a luxurious 50ft boat ... the captain being the only true sailor, however) ... that other smaller boat, however, with its main mast torn off ... yikes, but we dodged something there, I'd say. ;-)

"Wellington, the windy city" is a well-placed moniker!

Thanks everyone for some great comments to work through here. Crikey, but didn't Wendy just remind me to be mindful of my tone of voice in a call just now; to take responsibility for that; likewise, there was me reminding her that feelings are feelings, and they come through that way sometimes (but, that said, that she had a good point there) and that she needed to be mindful, too, and take responsibility for how she reacted to things. LOL ... we're learning. ;-)

Here are those notes below, from above, again.

Courtesy of their author.

All the best - Cam

"Steve Consilvio (2014-09-09) #

"The only way to have an epiphany is to be wrong. You're a bright guy, and know that beyond every epiphany is yet another.

"Tell your ex that you were wrong, not the web. Or, what exactly do you think you were wrong about? You are still together. Instead of being frustrated together, you are now mourning simultaneously separately. You are still having a 'shared experience.' It's not as easy to break a marriage as you think.

"What did you fight about? Probably money, conflicting ambitions, mismatched priorities or some such thing. Petty stuff probably that was allowed to fester. Unchallenged assumptions that became false facts. We humans seem to always make the same mistakes, over and over again. What is so difficult about love?

"When you give up on a marriage you are also giving up on yourself to a certain degree. You let the ball roll down the hill with the idea that if you start over it will be easier, but the mountain is just as tall. You work a long time to get back to the place you once were, when a bit of medicine or correction could have brought a lot more relief a lot faster.

"Love, patience, compassion. Sometimes one party has less, so the other party has to give more. That is the nature of things. Waves come in and waves go out. Now that the balance is lost, now you know how important balance is. Don't let a moment of anger be a lifetime of regret. Fight it out and find the pain, and cure it. If you can make it, and break it, then you can probably fix it, too."

":-) Good advice. Thank you. — Derek"

Hi Derek,
Sorry to read you've parted from your wife, we (your world wide friends) all understand how much you both wanted it to work! However, you've learned something from your experience which you won't repeat again. You are a good man and have a kind heart. Be patient, and you will find another to love. Take time to know her, and find someone like you. She's probably waiting there, right in your own back yard? Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good close friends. We all appreciate you bringing this out into the open and sharing your feelings. We think of you and support you.

Sorry to hear about the breakup, Derek, but I'm glad you've found something to learn from it!
Always remember the effect you've had on other people, because it's huge, probably bigger than you'll ever know!
God bless

Once, in my 20's I lost a job I (thought I) loved after 7 years. The first thing that seeped into my brain amidst the fog of shock & slight panic was, "Cool, now I can go to that Montreaux concert on Wednesday!" (previously I'd have been working...)

What are you now free to do that you couldn't have done if this didn't happen?

If you were the complete and total creator of your own life (and you are, in my opinion), for what reason would you have chosen to create this? Think big picture here if you can't get any little gems to pop.

My final comment is that sometimes when a soul chooses his or her parents that's the purpose. The parents come together for an hour or a night or a lifetime or any time in between to give life to that child and what happens after has nothing to do with all the preconceived notions of love, lust, marriage, etc.

How does it get any better than that?

Derek -

Earlier this morning, my friend Michael asked me if he should do biz w/ a guy who was just kicked to the curb by his boss - one of the top internet marketers out there.

I said 'Michael - are you kidding?! Have you ever been kicked to the curb by a girlfriend?' He said yes, and I asked him if he did what I did anytime anyone ever knocked me off my feet?

I get up and start swinging like crazy! And I think most people that get knocked down do the exact same thing. Here's why:

Many people ask me how I got so successful. To me, the answer is crystal clear. My brother Doug (5 years older) told me I was a failure, dumb, stupid and everything else you can think of that's bad from the day my parents brought me home from the hospital.

And here's the really sad part - I believed him. Until one day. And I picked myself up off the ground, and "started swinging"! And I didn't stop.

You gotta know what I was saying inside my head... "I'll show him! He's full of it! I'm gonna prove him wrong", and on and on...

And I started hitting home runs, helping people, helping myself, and I did something else - I forgave my brother. It really wasn't his fault - he was jealous from day 1. He couldn't help that (G-d forbid being his wife) jealousy stuff.

I realized I wasn't so dumb, stupid, a loser, etc.

And I haven't stopped swinging.

So start swinging, and don't let this get you too far down. And one more thing: Be a man and CRY. It feels good to cry and don't let any tough guy tell you any different. Let the emotions flow. It feels good.

Best of luck, and I hope this touches your heart and anyone else who needs to know they're not dumb, stupid, a loser, etc...
Nice comparison! Thank you. — Derek

I am so sorry for the pain I imagine you are feeling right now. Life is full of ups & downs & we wouldn't appreciate the highs without the lows. This is just a blip on the amazing journey of your life. Learning experience, our greatest teachers are the most difficult situations that we move through. I <3 & appreciate you. So many of your Fans, Frenz & Family are here to support you. You definitely give more to the world. You deserve nurturing, <3, kindness & support right now.
We are all here for you.

I needed to read your message. Thank you. Your experience almost sounds religious. Are you ready for the next step?

It is what it is ...but its brilliant to have friends. they stay ...and family and friends is what makes us love and live :)

You are so oprtimistic that you are scary, sometimes. Still, I'm glad you feel better, those things can be rough. I will be using your quote "If you're not surprised, you're not learning" I like that. Thanks for the thoughts!

Hi Derek, Sorry to hear about your marriage break-up. I went through the same thing many years back. It was mainly my drinking that led to the break-up, and I finished up living rough and deep in alcoholism, and the doctor gave me 18 months to live if I didn't quit the booze. I knew I was better than what I was doing to myself and to cut a long story short, I put my faith in Jesus Christ and I was set free from alcoholism, and over the years my faith has got stronger.
More recently I was diagnosed with prostate cancer which I've had treatment for and combined with peoples prayers I'm believing for a healing, and through it all my faith in God has got stronger.
There's a song that comes to mind that says something like :- It's great to live on the mountain, but it's in the valley that he restores my soul.
"Life ain't a bowl of cherries" as they say, there are lots of great times as you will know, but I believe if we learn the lessons from the valley experiences, we get stronger.
After getting over the initial shock and a time of reflection, I'm sure things will work out for you Derek.

Thank for sharing. Tie a knot when you come to the end of the rope and hang on tight.

Derek, you've been on an intense transformational journey for some time now. And my experience with these journeys is that we evolve out of old, what matched who we "were", but we don't want to let it go because we're scared. What I know for sure is that after we let go, and trust, and stay focused on our purpose-what we are sharing of ourselves with the world-other possibilities appear that are a better match to who we are NOW. That is all that has happened here. It's no one's fault. It's just what happens when you are committed to living as your true self. Xo

Everything in life is a lesson. When things go "wrong" or we make a "mistake", it is really just an invitation for us to learn and expand http://www.createyourdreams.com

Derek...

In this moment, from deep within the pain of your (seeming) separation from one, what I observe is you forging multiple, powerful connections with MANY. The French say, "nothing is ever as bad as it first appears to be" — could this (possibly, maybe, somehow) be a GOOD thing? Your worldwide circle of friends gathers round you to offer love, support, and clues; comments #107 and #395 are excellent examples.

Wishing you all the best,
Laiki

That seems to be the way the ball rolls sometime . We have to take life the way it comes good bad or indifferent . Tough times don't last always but tough people do Derek Fill that void with something positive no junk . You've come this far just hang on. Oh hell get a hobby. And learn that life is a teacher and listen to others sometime.

Sorry for your loss. There is always Love to be found. Another day on planet Earth.

thanks for sharing this, Derek. you may not remember me, but you were at cdbaby when I was trying to see how many of my amateur jazz-rock discs I could sell a few years back. well, I submitted another update to my "tree of life" registration about a year ago, and the way it has taken shape even amazes me. I am awful glad I found the right lawyer a few months back, because the folks who lifted it off of a Tascam I loaned them have been cussing some guy out for about four months now because he can't cop my guitar licks (lol)! life goes on, dude---I found that out with my experience in trying to get this cd out. lotsa luck.

Derek, the cracks are how the Light gets in. Praying for you.

Thanks for sharing this Derek. It's comforting to be reminded that even the most confident and successful people have their dark times and importantly find the lessons to be learned from them. Inspiring as always.

Sorry to hear that Derek.

Two quotes from two greats that may help:

Robert Frost says 'In three words I can sum up everything i've learned about life: it goes on. So, while it feels terrible at the moment you need to remember that the world keeps on turning, and as it turns we grow more accustomed to change.

And Buckminster Fuller offers hope in saying that 'the closer man gets to the unknown, the more inventive he becomes.' So, embrace the uncertainty. The more you lose, the more you fail, the more willing you are to experiment.

It feels like a kick in the balls now, but it won't always hurt so much.

All the best.
☺ Nice quotes. Thank you! — Derek

I do like , your oppinions...
I am sorry for your feelings, but thats life.. You will always love ...girlfriends, friends or just your life. Thats what I think, after 3 marriages fell out, I still learning , I also like being wrong thats the only way to learn.

It gets better Derek. In hindsight, I wish someone had told me to slow down and honor the pain. Don't be too quick to jump into anything new just to take your mind and heart off the loss. An easy time to fool yourself with busy. It will get better and these posts are proof that your life is full of people who will help you back to happy...in due time.

My focus is to have balance btwn the body, mind, & spirit. Clearly in this world the body part and its' story is the popular point of focus. For me the mind part is how I think & my relationships. The spirit part for me revolves around meditation & prayer. Without balance among the 3 parts, the Experience is harder.

Derek, I feel your pain, I been there and thought that I could not recover. I was left with four kids, keep your faith high and after the storm of misunderstanding, of what is... you will feel much better. You have inspired me in many ways to keep moving forth. It's only a situation that can be handle. Keep living your blessing.

The title is wrong. Shouldn't it be "I love knowing that I was wrong" or the like? Or am I wrong? :) My mother tongue is german.

A quote from Tyler Durden:

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

being wrong + uncertainty + questioning + defeat + being pummeled + being knocked off the pedestal of my own creation = an open door to a new path and a success never previously imagined

Honest and open as ever, if this man gambled he wouldn't just tell you about the winners.

...he is on My "if I could have a beer with anyone" list and this honesty and open insight is why (along with the fact he was in a band and can drink!)

"Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting My friend..."

Loss can be devastating, and the internal questions it brings up are many... including how to manage to the pain; one of the deepest questions is to delve into WHY does it hurt? This honest introspection brings about some profound personal insights usually not accessible except through the agency of the perception of loss.

Sometimes getting out of our usual circle of views and influences can be a fresh and freeing experience...this trailer shows how some deep thinkers and dynamic persons have done just that... http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/awakethelifeofyogananda/

I add my best wishes to all those who have heartfully responded and am keeping you in goodwill thoughts and vibrations... every little bit helps. :)

Hey Derek,
Sorry to hear about your break up . . . glad to know you're rebounding well! This was some encouraging insight for us all...thanks! Life is just far too short, let's "live it"!!!

Aaahhh Derek.. It will ease...promise...what it eases into is up to you friend (& your community to see you through) .. the in between each breath ...each step....every tone...each tear....each moment plastered against the ceiling staring up at the floor.... All. That. Space. :) To grow into.....there in faith in the greater inner & beyond.. Allow Process. Keep Practicing the Repertoire. Here is a story. After decades as partners and hitting EV-ry flipping wall any relationship could hit...*eyes roll right* ...(& new walls present each day as we are STILL very very different people!)) ...well....my love & I can laugh as we argue ... We can look at each other & KNOW....:).....it truly CAN go full circle & somehow it has...(although we do know its perhaps more of a spiral. Up or down - its our choice in each moment). But its been worth it so far to keep coming back to each other...the more we try the more it grows..after lengthy times of indifference & betrayal &hurt...& years of living like room mates.we some how stayed together...& now its morphed into this deeply joyful trusting faithful life together...accepting of each others fallibilities & amazing strengths & values of being as good & kind as possible... That sweetness that only TIME & weathering storms together can bring. AND SINCERELY WANTING THE BEST FOR EACH OTHER WHILE ALWAYS WILLING TO LEARN TO RESPECT EACH OTHERS LEARNING AS INDIVIDUALS TOO...So I tell you this story as Im v sure you'll learn great inner lessons from this profound loss Derek. & when the time comes not to be afraid to give your love of being fully again you will stronger be in love & gentle communication. As Satchel Paige says...look back but don't stare.. :-)
And keep looking into the face of God within you & others ...however you perceive grace to be...you're doing just fine so far....oh & btw allowing the passage of physical time & engaging in all forms of balance temper the sorrow. Be gentle with yourself. After 3 mos the protective shock wanes & at 8 mos to 1 yr for many the stillness & perspective is deeper - less unbearable. But everyone has their own experience.Yoga Aikido Mindfulness Pema Chodron Great Nutrition assist immensely. Be well. Know you're not alone...:-)) we're all here in this together....
Peace
CR
apologies for length..no need to be posted just to encourage you :)

Derek,

My favorite comedian, Louis CK, said its not sad when someone gets divorced because 100% of divorced couples had a hellish relationship that needed to end, but that if the couple was truly happy, went on for many years,
had beautiful children and even argued well and then out of the blue one day they just divorced- that would be sad.

Without knowing the details of your divorce, it sounds like a situation a comedian couldn't comment on. I've been there before, just knocked on my ass from a break up, and it's no fun, and can even be downright disturbing at times. Well, you did the right thing by reaching out. And the humility that comes with accepting help is human, nothing but being human.

And being human is a great thing! I am happy that it ultimately led you back to that simple, yet powerful feeling of having wonder at having your life and that's it. Cheers to you man, loved reading this simple, yet really powerful post.

-B
☺ Louis CK is awesome. I love his perspective. Thanks for this reminder. — Derek

Man D, Ive been tryin to finish my solo project since 2005! Thats wen my 22 year union (2 priceless daughters) started south. Six years seperated now, growing up in Venice, Ca. Everyone asks, why aint you BIGTIME?! Well I had to 1. Get over myself. 2. Take accountability. 3. Help others. Still trying, recently lost Mom (89), helping Pop (93), lotsa books! Here's one: Becoming a man of power- Matt Guest. Love & have a few of the books you posted a while back. Good Luck brother! :-)

Praying for your heart brother! I like being wrong at times too, especially on the back side, where you can see the good that WILL come.

Thank you so much for this.
After 9 years of wonderful adventure, my girlfriend left me.
I have been struggling to make sense of it, and figure out a way forward and out of the pain.
This post you wrote has made my life better.

I found this post and I relate because I'm going through something similar. Thank you for writing it.

I think the best way to keep from not making progress in any part of life whether it is professional or personal, is to never stop asking, and attempting to answer, questions. An excellent example comes from you, actually. I listened to your keynote at RailsConf a few years back, and I thought to myself, "wow, it's remarkable how this dude was able to take a step back, realize the potential of selling other's music online the way you had been doing successfully for yourself, and in seizing the opportunity, create meaningful change in this world for many people". It all started though, because you were willing to reflect on what was happening where many of us may have never given it a second thought because we were too "busy" being in autopilot. Being too afraid of the answers to reflect and ask the right questions leads us, inevitably, to a quagmire of hopelessness. A good first question might be, "what makes two people a bad match?" or "why were we a bad match?" and just be your own Socrates and keep pulling the thread until the sweater unravels. Sometimes the universe just drops the answers in our laps if we are able to ask the questions. Good luck!

Derek we were saddened to hear you two had parted ways. It is never easy, ride the storm and there will be light at the end of tunnel. It takes time. We can't speak from experience but we have been there over the past four years for my sister who went through what you are currently experiencing. There is hurt and anger but this will pass and life will become beautiful again

You take care. All the best. Karen and Jeff

Sorry to hear about the break up. My ex walked out on me with no apparent warning 8 years ago. They say it takes at least about half the time you were together...I thought that was crazy, but for me it has taken even longer. starting to finally figure out who I am...hang in there. :) robin

Thoughts on the whirlpool
There have been a lot of places in my life that went round and round, there still are. I read a blog which asks, how is that useful? (Nancy Giffen Awareness is everything) If it is not, how will we change this?
I have a friend who quotes, sometimes a circle viewed from the side is a spiral. You seem to be pulling these together. How do I find the spiral in this process of repetition? If I need to do this again, If I didn't understand it the first time, where is the next spiral up?
Thank you

...hey man, shit happens. You'll be OK.

I really felt like saying, "I know how you feel" when I read of your long time of feeling pain over your broken relationship. It seems many people have responded to you with compassion. When I look at the times I have felt this same dread, all I know is that it lasted way too long each time and I couldn't really get back to "life" as quickly as I would have thought or wanted to. However as time passed and I look back at my failed relationships, it seems to be clear that they are in fact over and in hindsight, they never had much of a chance of working.

Great that you would share of yourself and show that each of us go through the same things from time to time.That there is a light at the top of the whirlpool saying, "look up, follow me and all will be well." It's just another experience.

Real humility admits that there is only one answer to our lost condition. Jesus. Are you that humble?

Derek,

Thanks for sharing your insights. Change is hard for us humans, but change is one of the main drivers of growth and development. Sometimes bad things are great impetus for personality growth, but good things can also be challenging. I've had plenty of both in my life, and they seem to be coming ever faster with ever increasing magnitude. I guess that means I keep getting more capable.

David

I am sorry to hear that. I found the Mars and Venus books by John Gray most inspiring on the subject of love and soul mates, particularly "Mars and Venus On a Date". Might you like to read that? I could have Amazon send you a gift copy. Just email me a delivery address.

Lol, I work in preschool and consistently remind the children I am happy when I don't know an answer or am wrong since it means I am learning something new. I also follow up with if I knew everything I would look like a 'bobble head' and that that is not something I want to aim towards. I just want to try and be a better person each day doing the best that I can. (I also let them know somedays I don't do very well in this area but keep trying)
:-)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through tough times! But someone said,

"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define
you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you - Unknown

the choice is up-to you!

Derek,

It is obvious that you have many people (friends) to turn too, many you have not met; you have an amazing network.

Anytime I feel down...your wisdom gets me back on track. Truly!!!

I wonder what Derek would tell me if I wrote this article and replaced the word "wife" with "business"?

Derek, what a timely post (at least now that I finally caught up with it).

I'm just going through a break-up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years, so rest assured that while it may have been hard for you to see something great in it, it was great for me to see that somebody I admire a lot is having the same problems.

Thank you!

your honesty and desire to share warts and all really, really, makes me so grateful to have this www connection. Sending what ever energy you need today and thanking you for never giving up on sharing the real stuff. Thank you

This is such wise advice. I recently went through a terrible 2nd divorce and at age 49, I have no retirement left. I don't blame, because it was my choices that led me to this point. Just my wits, skills, and willingness not to give up. Through this darkness, I saw a bright light! I found out, I really don't need that much. This is like the "We'll See" poem. Your blog makes me feel even better that this time and place in my life is a GOOD thing. I am renewing myself as a Data Scientist and love it!

Love your insights. I agree completely. Rajesh

When Elaine ran into the great J Peterman she said, "sorry. I don't know where I'm going." In his infinite wisdom Peterman replied, "well that's the best way to get some place you've never been."

This resonates, Derek!
The personal trait I'm proudest of in myself is the pleasure I take in being proven wrong. Yes, learning things that way can be painful, but it's also energizing.

T

I love being wrong because that means I've learned something new and corrected a false belief. When I'm right, all I get is the satisfaction of being right, and I knew that in the first place.

Obviously true, but most are to busy defending their position to realize. Losing an argument or being wrong, is in reality winning and right.

Hi Derek,

"If we're not surprised we're not learning" reminds me of a reader should be puzzled, stretched, not merely adding to more knowledge .

For that, and more, I would direct your readers to the first tweet far down your home page, which clicks onto a long book-review-notes of yours about how to read a book.