So simple yet so profound. I am going to practice it until I master it. Thank you.

Love this. At my work, we do a thing we call a "compliment line" a few times a year where we line up (all 50 of us) in two rows facing each other. On one side are the compliment givers, the other side is the receivers. The hard part is that on the receiving side you have to do only this -- accept the compliment. No deflecting, no compliments back - just accepting and appreciating.

After that we move one position over and give/get a compliment from the next person (of shift to the compliment giving side). After everyone has given and received a compliment from everyone else (which is over an hour later), there are few dry eyes left.

Definitely agree. I think it's good for both the complimentor and the complimentee if the latter graciously accepts the compliment.

This is great advice which I started heeding some time ago. And the funny thing is that when you say "thank you", you don't feel as though you have to say anything more. No stuttering, explaining, embarrassment or uneasiness. It's just simple and pure - and so easy! Thanks for sharing this.

I agree! I was a student of Livingston's at Berklee, he's full of fantastic bits of wisdom like this!

Great thought Derek!

It is the same as when someone says, "thank you." So many people say, "no problem" or "not a big deal." It's kind of rude to minimize their thanks. Say, "you're welcome."

Yes, my personal approach:

"Thanks" for a minor compliment about something insignificant.

"Thank You" for a more substantial one.

Easy.

I seem to have relearn that lesson about once a year. Good reminder. Maybe another post on dealing with our reaction to criticism is in order.

It's amazing how many of us struggle with such a simple gesture and either completely defuse the compliment by arguing the point OR apologize for being awesome…

Hey Derek, you're awesome! :)

Thanks for the tip Derek!

Fortunately, a teacher in primary school taught my classmates and I this!

It really is offputting when you tell someone they look nice and they say, "No, I look terrible!". Occasionally that's okay, but some people do it all the time. I think receiving the compliment makes them feel vulnerable too.

For years I had a knack for undercutting compliments that I received with some bit of self-deprecating humor. About a year ago, I made the switch to a simple "Thank you."

It was really hard at first, but has become my default now.

Great post and way to deal with such a simple issue, one that has a profound impact on how we function in the world around us.

I can understand if a musician, in the process of being true to his/her art, offers to add a dose of reality in response to a compliment, by pointing out what he/she believes was obviously missed by the person giving the compliment. For example, the compliment could be that they "performed well", to which the musician might say either, "You thought so? Man, my timing was off and I was struggling to keep it together...", or "Thank you, but..." both of which put focus on the apparently negative...and like you pointed out, making the person who took the courage to say something nice, feel like they have made a mistake in making the effort at all.

I've had to work on this too. And, one thing that I find that helps is to get practice on the other side of things, by giving compliments. It could be for anything, and to anyone at work. In a country like India, complimenting someone who is supposedly "lower down" the ladder (either socially or in a workplace) means the world to them, simply because the entire system of existence is based on entitlements based on where you are on the ladder (remnants of the still practiced "Caste System", most unfortunately. But, coming back to what I started out by saying, in giving compliments, we find that people fail to acknowledge them in a way that makes both the giver and receiver feel good about the whole "compliment" experience. However, I like to take a less than satisfactory response and return it with additional reinforcement, nothing over the top, but sticking to the genuineness of the act of making a compliment, to drive home the fact that their response fell short for themselves, and that by having a better image of oneself (one's worth, one's place in this life/world, etc.) you can simply accept a compliment with a "thank you", and maybe offer one in return to take the joy of giving and receiving compliments to the next level. Like, this one time where I complimented one of the members of the Support Staff on sporting a nice, snazzy-looking t-shirt, to which I got the response that it was actually on loan from a friend, blah, blah, blah... So, I cut them short, said, "I know what you're saying, but that is a nice shirt. And, I like your sense of style because you pull off the look you're going for." I believe he blushed (although he'll never admit it) but since that time, it almost looks as if he carries himself a little better, and when other's say something nice to him, he accepts with a smile, a "thank you", and with none of the earlier "explanation".

We must give to receive, but with compliments, there is much joy in giving freely. The harder it is to give, the harder it is to receive...so give freely, and let others be comfortable in the giving as well, and pretty soon, they will be able to accept easily as well. One last thing, please make the compliment genuine...because there is a lot of pseudo-nicety doing the rounds these days, hidden behind plastic smiles and masks of obligatory protocol...

Not taking the compliment is a bit like not accepting the gift that someone has gone out and purchased especially for you. We need to learn this skill. The generosity of others should be allowed to flow freely in whatever form... Thanks

Thank You!

Back in high school, I had a terrible time accepting compliments about my piano playing. I got over it when I realized two things:

1. I'm comparing myself to Vladimir Horowitz. They're comparing me to other kids my age who took maybe two years of lessons before quitting ... and that's fine.

2. If you tell them why you don't think you deserve the compliment, they will almost always argue that you do. Just say thank you and they'll stop with the original compliment. If you feel this is immodest, mumble and look at your feet while accepting the compliment.

Yes,thats what I say.Thank you.
It took me a few years to be able to do so.The same goes for complaints with a company,bar,restaurant.I also give praise and receive it.

That same thing was said by David Mamet in his great book, True and False. And when I read that, it struck me that I'd done the same thing with people who came up to me after shows and complimented me. Since then, it's been a big smile and "thank you!"

It's not just that you're arguing with them... In Mamet's book he was speaking specifically to people coming backstage after theater shows to say how great they thought the show was. If you say "no, we were off tonight," or something to that effect, you're also diminishing the experience they had, potentially. Or, perhaps you really were off that night and they knew it, but were trying to be polite and encouraging. In any case, it's great advice.
Yes! Thanks for that extra point about diminishing the experience. Now I remember that Livingston Taylor said it almost exactly like that, so maybe he got it from David Mamet. — Derek

I love your work Derek. You have a beautiful mind.

When someone says to me "Kieran you are a great guy" I just give a simple "I know"

A friend clued me into this a long time ago. Some of the best advice I ever got.

Very thoughtful! It takes some mindfulness to notice one has been going wrong. I appreciate your deep thinking.

I find that most artist are the own worst critic. I think that explains a big port of the reason why they don't take the compliment very well.

It's the simple things that are most valuable. Thank You!

Well, I had the honor of being one of musicians at Appel Farm with him!!! I got to meet Livingston and talk to him! He's so amazing and wonderful! I still think of that time we spoke before we played that day!!! He inspires me still... like I hope he will with this note!

Love&Laughter,
Michelle Nágy
"You are a Star and I am the Dark, and I want to hold you High like that..." Lyrics by Michelle Nágy

I prefer "obviously" or "of course" or "That's what most people think"
☺
Yuck. I actually decided to write this blog post because I was annoyed at someone who had done exactly that. It's maybe funny once, in the right situation, but the rest of the time it's pretty shitty, and makes the person giving the compliment not want to do that anymore. — Derek

I've been practicing this for many years, but it's still an effort to simply accept a compliment. I grew up Japanese-American. It was considered good manners to deny, to show humility.

Now, I take an extra moment to look at the complimenter, take a breath to let it sink in and feel good, and then I say, "thank you."

p.s. I've enjoyed Livingston Taylor's music for years, too.

I have schooled myself to focus on an aspect of the statement I can be positive about, such as, "How kind of you to say," or, "Thank you for noticing that." Then we can both feel good about it.

You stated "But think if how inconsiderate that is." Did you mean "But think of how inconsiderate that is." ?
Good find! Fixed! Thanks Greg! — Derek

Like it. Why is receiving so much harder than giving?

Derek, you're so giving and appreciated

Good write up... Hope to put them in practice

And it's also not what you say, but how you say it that matters. And that can make all the difference.

I think compliments catch people off guard. It's like when you see a really cool commercial about something altruistic on t.v that ends with "Brought to you by that thing we want you to buy cause we're awesome" If the altruistic thing was just for the sake of it and not to sell you a product it would seem weird and I think many people have become conditioned to that.

"You're beautiful"

... "Oh, yeah? What's the catch? What are you trying to sell me?"

We have to work hard to recondition ourselves to accept the things that should be natural to us.

I have another angle when I am driving and some one does some thing silly in front of me, could have been dangerous or could have affected me. I say thank you for bad drivers, I can learn from this and steer clear of them or think of a better way to drive in the future. It keeps me on the positive instead of blaming others. It is good if we can take a issue and turn it around. Thank you Derek for your article!

Livingston is a gem. He was nice enough to invite me up as a volunteer to sing with him in Berkeley....Then he said that was so great that I should go down to Monterey and sing with him there. I didn't deny I did a great job, I went to Monterey. Yes, Liv should know! Great guy, enthusiastic about others around him, and thoughtful about how he handles everyone. XO

Nice to know that's what I do.
Thanks - Russ

Interesting how such a simple concept can be profound. A wonderful conversation. Thank you.

When someone compliments me following a performance, I always say "thank you" but then I usually add another sentence: "It was my pleasure (or honor, or joy) to play for you." Music is a gift of beauty that is meant to be shared.

Thank you for that word of advice. I will remember that for the next and other times.

I always say thank you I appreciate your comments, and that's all.

I learned this a long time ago. It makes more sense to accept compliments with thank yous instead of arguing or denying. More polite and you don't back lash a negative response and hurt feelings or belittle their thoughts corresponding to you.

Well, I just have to comment about this one.

I pretty much agree, and from personal experience.

Hmuility is definitely a virtue, but there are those who have a mistaken understanding of what humility is. As in, "was Charles Dicken's Uriah Heep really humble? No, not really, deep down inside, he was most conceited, and Dickens musty have met quite a few like the character to draw upon for his tale, David Copperfield, to build this hand writhing character upon.

You are quite right about how to accept compliments. It should be done with grace, and without putting on an air of superiority over whomever gives the compliment:

For example, at a venue I once performed at, I decideded to compliment another performer on a performance of his own. He promptly turned his face, nose pointed upward, and fired back "oh you recognized the profile do you?" And that turned me off completely, and had me wishing I could take the compliment back, and/or wanting to say something like "Okay, so your band is agood clone of Beatles, but you are not they, and definitely not doing anything original!" But there he was, chewing bubble gum, like he was John Lennon, which, of course, he was not at all. Or maybe he thought John Lennon's attitude towards an audience might have been just as obnoxious and rude. I really don't know...but I have met a few real celebs and fortunately the ones I did meet, who were certainly on a higher level, if it can be put that way, knew how to accept compliments gracefully and graciously, without any attempt tp act or behave in a manner that would have the one giving the compliment think or believe they thought they were superior.

I suppose this really is and has been an issue with myself for many years now, because I've encountered it so many times. And I've also noticed the same results...those who keep singing, as it were, "oh lord it's so hard to be humble" should do as I felt like suggesting to one musician I was doing sound for at a venue, which thought I naturally kept to myself at the time "look around the room and take note of how quickluy you are clearing it. Everyone is going to the club down the street!" He was exuding arrogance, and it was literally driving customers away. And then there was this other fella who'd get up and start his performance by saying "I'm sure you're not going to like this, and maybe it's not so good. I can't be the judge, ya da ya da ya da, which he pretty much said as well in the liner notes of a CD he was releasing. My conclusion...well, if you aren't confident about what you are doing, or putting out, then how or why should I respond except by thinking "Well, if he don't think it is so good, then must be right...after all, he is the artist and the artist should know best!"

I wish more websites would address a topic like this. The success of a website also depends on being less misleading than a lot happen to be these days. Stop making promises that could eventually cause a possible user to conclude that 'this site promises more than it can realistically deliver'. Unfortunatley, there do seem to be many sites that will 'tickle the ears' of potential joiners, expecting, I assume, to succeed, or continue to succeed, by sucking others in by playing up to their expectations, and/or even egos.

On sites such as these, we need more articles like this one.

When making music, or whatever else you do, it's okay to be 'larger than life', just as long as you make it believable, and to make it believable, you have to touch base somewhat with reality. Great actors of the past, like Humphrtey Bogart in Casablanca, for instance, were larger than life on screen, but they made themselves believable, because they were able to condense human experience the rest of us could relate to in a condensed sequence of events. Otherwise, I doubt we'd have ever been willing to sit through such movies without yawning and falling asleep. I believe the same applies to music as well. And it also applies to finding just the right balance in terms of responding to compliments of any sort. And if you don't find that right balance, it may very well affect what you do creatively.

It's really all about attitude

I don't think most of us don't understand that it takes courage to give compliments. If we feel vulnerable, accepting compliments makes us feel more vulnerable (what if they are not true?), so we mask our feelings about them. And, we have all been hurt by people who gave compliments that weren't compliments, that were comments that were meant to hurt us.
But, you are right. It is better to reward those who are brave enough to step forward with kindness and risk being hurt, then to hurt those who offer kindness. If you receive a comment as a compliment, then, no matter how negatively it is intended, it becomes a compliment.

Say "Thank you" because it buys you some time. Next, rev up your brain to identify why the compliment was really made. It is quite likely that you are in danger zone: Most compliments are made to make you susceptive for the demand that follows.

I've been practising this badly for some time. In writing it's easier, but in person, I still feel hugely awkward.

My current attempts usually involve me trying to smile, saying "thank you" very quickly and then rushing onto another conversation point so I can get them talking about something else - anything else than me!

But I actually think this makes me look like a bit of a smug idiot.

What I'm trying to do now is to stop, breathe, see the person properly in that moment, and then use whatever words seem appropriate to acknowledge what they've just said. It might be thank you, but it could also be "that's really nice that you said that - just made my day".

But for me right now, the words aren't the important part. The stopping, breathing, and really paying attention to the person in front of me who is affirming me is the bit I need to work on.

Great lesson, one that I will transfer to my students!

Thank you!

I'm pretty good at thank you. Could you expand on the second part though? I often find that "thank you" is a conversation stopper.
Really it should be, “Thank you! What's your name?” Then use your usual conversation skills. — Derek

Interesting perspective. Ive never thought of it that way, but I agree 100%

Thank you for the reminder Derek.

I was pleasantly surprised to see your email in my mail box today. I actually opened to see if it sent just to me or other people too.

Even though I leaned this lesson a few years back, I often catch myself arguing the compliment.

Thats a yes from me. I have learned to take a compliment and a knock as equals and I feel thats a great ego balanced spot.

I'm trying to also remember saying when complimented: "That's really kind/thoughtful of you because I usually don't think of myself quite that way. I really appreciate the compliment because it makes me feel (xyz)" I not only think it makes sense to thank the 'complimenter', but also to tell how you feel about it. Often we give compliments because we want the person to feel good - so could be useful/appropriate to have a talk about emotions/feelings regarding the attribute.

I inadvertently learnt this from Jordan Harbinger when he received compliments from his guests. At first, I thought it sounded weird that he thanked his guest for the compliments, but at a second glance, it makes sense that acknowledging the compliment and not diminishing it is the right way to go about it.

Thanks for the reminder Derek!

Thank you is not a word of our times any more than the ubiquitous "have a nice day" rings true. And so we react "sharply" or politely deny the sincerity of compliments altogether. But in our individual and collective consciences, we sometimes feel uncomfortable at the increasing robotic reactions we espouse. Acting out our “client success agent” performance manual dictates don’t always comfort our human natures. And so, we compensate for our lack of appreciation of others (and ourselves) in the only ways we know how. We hire “specialists” to teach us what once was natural or based on universal cultural values - to teach us how to both compliment and receive compliments. We even go so far as to institutionalize and formalize courtesy activities in order that everyone gets a compliment at least a few times a year. (To get it over with? To check it off the corporate “good place to work at” to do list?) How sad.

And as we cocoon deeper into our digital gadgets we become ever more subservient to them; more mechanical than human. We come to need and are more titillated by Facebook ‘likes” from strangers than actual human contact compliments from those who actually know who and what we are. A capacity to give and receive compliments is not just a blip in our psychological or societal evolutions. It is an omen of how not only societies will fare in the near and far future but also civilization as a whole.

Wow! Always amazed at how relevant your posts are. This spoke to me. I am persuasive only when given a ciomplument. I can talk someone right out of it and tell them 100 reasons why it's not true. Ice even stared blankly at them and been unable to acknowledge the compliment. Talk about rude! I never saw it fro this perspective. Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻.

Compliment is a gift.
The least one can do to appreciate the effort is to accept it with grateful "Thank You".

I fully understand your point. My goal, in response to compliments... is to first show appreciation for the person's thoughtfulness, but at the same time... raise awareness or reiterate the fact, that we "ALL" are human/spiritual CONDUITS, with desires, gifts, visions & dreams... through which, the "REAL" Source of all CREATIVITY flows!

I've been doing this after gigs for ages, I genuinely appreciate the feedback, so I say thanks - I once had a bass player from a relatively famous band come up to me and compliment my "unique" playing style, and it totally blew my mind! Although it felt a little awkward I said thanks... due to my nervousness I think I qualified it with something stupid like "I got nothing on you though!"

Great advice. Neil Strauss said the same thing in his book The Game.

I am all too familiar with wanting to brush aside the compliment. I'm a bit on the shy side, and so being noticed brings up a tidal swell of discomfort.

These days I let that swell rise and pass, use it as an invitation to stay in the moment with the person speaking with me. Recognize their stepping up and out to connect with me this way. And so let it in. (it helps to breathe in these moments as it keeps the chest open)

And then because I'm curious about people, and often want to know more about what is behind the compliment I'll inquire a bit as to what touched them. That often allows a deeper conversation to unfold.

Agreed! It is a hard skill to master, but receiving well is a necessity!

I don't know if I understand it but sometimes when this happens I have s tendency to be overwhelmed by bashfulness.

My go to response is: Thank You, I Appreciate That.

I will test powering through those feelings and getting to know the person more as you suggest.

Thanks

Derek,
Thank you.

I appreciate your time to spread this great content.
Cheers,
Jason

That is exactly what I say, thank you, they might just be trying to be nice but I thank them anyway. It's much better than them saying I suck.LOL

Great post!

But I have also learned to take it one more step and offer to let people help you if they want at that point.

For example, after a great show, if they are complimenting you, definitely thank them. But also say something like "Hey, and if you want, you can tell the venue because it means that I can play here more often."

If it's a business transaction of some sort rather than a fan, it's a great time to ask for a testimonial, and/or the next bit of business. It's also a great time to ask if there's anyone they know who would want to work with you.

Adding another layer into this (going from Basic to advanced) is holding eye contact with the person as you receive the complement.

People deflect compliments with their language but they also do it with their body. It's fascinating.

Next time you compliment someone, watch what they do with their body language!

I definitely think this is the proper way to do it in the states but it should also be stated that maybe in certain cultures this isn't the best way to go about it.......

For example I'm living in Spain right now and here people are much more open to giving compliments, it's common ground, small talk if you will. After receiving a few compliments when I first got here various people told me that just saying thank you came off a bit arrogant and wasn't the best response.

I'm still not sure what the "proper" response would be, cause I'm not a bit fan of arguing with someone who tells me something nice. I just wanted to bring this up and see if anybody else has had similar experiences when dealing with other cultural norms....
Great point, and I hesitated before posting this article because of this. Wondering how people take compliments in Japan, Spain, China. My hunch is that “That's really nice of you to say.” is probably a universal message. Whereas “Thank you” is meant to say that, in other places it might need to be said in a different way. — Derek

So simple but definitely needed advice. Thanks Derek.

Hi Derek,
This one hits home. Over my lifetime I have paid countless compliments to bosses, girlfriends, bands, etc. and have usually been given the "you're crazy" answer. It really does hurt when all you were trying to do was let them know how you felt from your heart.

Totally agree!

I finally figured out after years in the music biz that a compliment isn't really about me, it's about them. They connected with the music in some way that made them feel or remember or sense something and that is what they are thanking you for, not whether you made the changes the way you wanted to or not. It took a while but I got it...Thanks!

Nicely said. Compliments are strange beings in themselves. They pass from one to the other. Never really thought of how to get beyond that. Taking the compliment might be more difficult, but the 'thank you' breaks through and dissolves the walls. Making everything alright. Thanks Derek!

I usually say "you're too kind", as a way to compliment them back, especially when I really mean it.

After reading your blog, I have doubts about that respond. What do you think?

Appreciate your thoughts.
Shaun
That's a great response! — Derek

I used to always refute compliments. they made me uncomfortable. But then I began to see how I felt when complimenting others and having to essentially argue with them about it. (No! You really are a great person- damn it! :))

I love this plus all of the comments!
I try to use humor when I disagree with the compliment. When my husband tells me I am beautiful and starts singing "if they could see you through my eyes..." I tell him he is going blind. or words are meaningless, show me the cash.

This is almost funny to me to read this: it's the exact advice and reasoning my mother gave to me when I was a teenager!

I grew up in a small town in Alaska, and whenever our high school put on a music program, there would always be a big turnout. But often after a concert I would be dwelling on the mistakes I had made when someone would come up and compliment me on my performance. I would immediately assume what I thought was a humble stance and point out all my errors...

Until one time my mom took me aside and pointed out how rude I was being to these people. Most of them (like her) were artistically "uneducated" and had worked up the courage to come up to me to give me the gift of their praise. To refuse that gift was to tell them "You obviously don't know what you're talking about." She said the best response was simply "Thank you", which honored their courage and valued their gift to me. I had no desire to dishonor anyone! So I never forgot her advice.

I've been a working musician all my life, and I've also learned, like Derek says, that an even better response is to follow the "thank you" with caring questions about that person: what's your name, where are you from, what do you do? People get a benefit from complimenting you then: they realize you see their humanity, and they're likely to want to come see you again (which creates fans, of course)! I try to practice this at every gig...

Thanks Derek, for reminding us!

I totally agree. It completes the circle of your performance. When you perform for an audience they are there to see a great show and you the performer want the same. Applause is our reward I see so many artists ignoring this by walking off stage, picking up their guitars etc. I encourage everyone artist, band, whatever to stop stand center stage and bow to the Applause not only will it get louder it stimulates you to perform even better the next time. It's part of your pay why deny it.

There are no two words in the English language more harmful than "good job".

This is a line from the movie "Whiplash". And I think it captures the mindset of most people (especially creatives) who have trouble with compliments. They work really hard to get good and so when someone compliments them, it's hard to believe because in their eyes, there is so much left to improve.

So yes, accepting a compliment is difficult but it is a good skill to learn
Great reference, great movie, and great point here. Thanks for including this. — Derek

ah life.

my music director taught me that in 12th grade. He saw a number of people walk away slightly dejected after complimenting my performance "Stop doing that. Just say thank you." I said "Yeah but I don't deserve it because I messed up the blah blah blah."

He said, "Doesn't matter. To them, it's like you're telling them they don't know what they're talking about and makes them feel small. Just smile and say thank you."

works like a charm

Sometimes when I give someone a compliment, they will try to return with a compliment.

I used to be put off by this, thinking it to be ingenuine. My thought pattern would be something like: Oh they think that I validate you, you validate me, it's a trade....

I've now realized that might not be the case. It's also about the phenomena of going first. By complimenting the other person you show that it's fine to be vurnerable, making it easier for the other party to be vurnerable as well. In cases like this, the "come back" compliment would be genuine.

Great post.

Hi Derek,
I've never had a problem with this. It is so easy to say "thank you." Sometimes I will add "It's my pleasure."

Right on target Derek. Pay homage to the sender: it's not about you. Gracious wins the day

YES! Love that advice. Especially that it originally came from Livingston. Loved that mans class, so much learned from that wise and generous man. Goes without saying, what a talent.

Wonderful post Derek and once again, hugely insightful. This is something I've been trying to practice for a while. It dawned on me (sadly after some time) that it just makes people feel so uncomfortable if you are not gracious in accepting their praise. Worse still, incredibly egocentric if you start reasoning why your performance was not aligned with their compliment. My favourite response the suggestion by Shaun (no. 75) "you're too kind." Being British, just saying "thank you" can sometimes be misconstrued as smug, said in the wrong way :) You love us Brits really.

Another idea that was taught at school and never again.

Complimenting you on your words Derek.
Tipping my hat to you.
Kindness always.

The best way to receive a compliment is how James Brown did. He didn't apologize, he didn't say "thank you" either. He just said... "I know". :)
No. See comment #27. My annoyance at someone who said “I know” to my compliment is the reason I decided to post this article. — Derek

Complimenting you on your words Derek.
Tipping my hat to you.
Kindness always.

...so true! I also like to return the compliment with, "you're very generous."

Guilty as charged, but I've been getting much better over the last 2 years.

Thanks for sharing!

I think it's also important to compliment yourself. I know it sounds lame, and yes I've been mocked. But I had pretty low self-esteem in high school and eventually I just started telling myself the opposite of what I believed. I'd say "You're hot" or "Your hair looks awesome" and even if I have a hard time believing the compliments, I'm not feeding myself with negativity anymore.

Yes, a simple Thank You will do in most cases. But as a musician for over 30 years, people don’t always approach me for compliments, some were for insults or rejections while others were for invitations. I can’t say Thank You to all that when I’m always expecting the unexpected. So, I’ve learned to reply all with just a smile, an emotion that will stay with them instead of words that they will soon forget when they are not drunk. :)

Derek, I agree. So many times we shrug it off like it we are embarrassed to hear it. Thank you is simple and easy. Great tip!

I have a huge problem taking compliments because I never think I deserve it.

I need to change my mindset and know that I do deserve compliments.

I often give a compliment back, but I don't even think that is the right thing to do. Although, it is the polite thing to do. But a simple thank you is enough, or if they compliment me on something that I really value then I tell them that it's one of the best compliments i've ever gotten.

What a worthwhile article. People of of ages should read this. Great perspective.

I LOVE it!

I never got a compliment, and I don't want one, lol.

I really like this idea... two simple words which will mean a lot..
Thank you....i will always keep this in mind...

Thank you.

LOL :) Been trying to do this for awhile :) Just got back from a trip around the top of the world through Asia & I'm no linguist but tried to learn "thank you" in Japanese, Chinese, Russian, Polish & Hungarian & it ended up being the most valuable of all language phrases--even if I messed up the pronounciation--folks understood & would smile and go over it with you :)
And yes --I once said a local guitarist was one of my favorite guitar players in the world & it hurt my feelings when he called me a liar--thank you would have been much nicer :)

I learned a lot from Livingston Taylor in his stage performance techniques class.

I don't remember this advice, but it's great.

Some more advice from Livingston:

1. Introduce yourself before you start playing. Say, "Good evening! My name is _______. Thanks for being here."

2. When you finish a song, wait for the audience to applaud. THEN say Thank you. don't end a song with Thank you. It breaks the spell. You're thanking them for their applause.

3. Tap your heel to the tempo of the song you're playing. Your band and the audience will appreciate it immensely.

4. Wear a bow tie. (He never said that. He just did it every single time I saw him. I think.)
Wow! Good ones! Thanks for posting this. — Derek

I pretty much always say "Thank you so much! I'm truly glad you enjoyed it!", because I tend to make everything worse if I keep talking.

Good reminder. I read this somewhere years ago, but I always feel compelled to give a compliment back, or to go red in the cheeks and dismiss it. I will give the simple "Thank You" and a smile a try!

The only word necessary in any language. Thank you.

The only word necessary in any language. Thank you.

Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing what you've thought through. It's great to have people come out of the woodwork of/to our lives to encourage and bless. What I love about your above thought in responding to compliments is--that it's wonderfully simple.
~Jeannie

Great advice, Derek. Many times when we receive a compliment we can go rambling off with a long reply, not knowing how to finish, when a simple "Thank You" fits the bill perfectly.

In a similar vein, Danny Meyer wrote in his book, Setting the Table, that when a customer says thank you to the server for doing something, the server should just say "You're welcome." This came in response to his servers saying "No problem" because why would it ever be a problem?

Yes i have been doing my best saying ThaNku i am curious what you think when someone is being sarcastic in their compliment like here its 1:21 http://youtu.be/ngkaPaZAdFk

I always say "Thank you," and if it's a heartfelt compliment, I'll say, "Thank you - that means a lot to me." The more I say it, the more I feel it.

Good advice. I was in a play in college and someone complimented my performance. I didn't think it was good, and may have said so. When I related this to a friend, I asked him, what should I have done? He said, just say 'thank you. Not everyone sees you the way that you do.' I learned to be gracious and friendly years later. It has served me well.

Can I generalise? I think females find it a bit easier to handle compliments - most begin getting compliments when they're little girls. Males, on the other hand, are much less used to receiving compliments and when they do, they usually act or say something stupid to cover their embarrassment.

The 'thank you' is perfect.

Derek...that was brilliant and helpful. You are terrific! (Now you say, "?" :)

Thanks

I’d like to develop slightly the ‘James Brown’ reaction to compliments (comment #89). Saying ‘I know’ only works when the character is either bigger-than-bigger-than-life (which James Brown was, without a doubt), either having a very skilled sense of tongue-in-cheek. It can relieve a tension if said with à-propos and enough distance not to be taken seriously. What works for James Brown surely doesn’t have the same impact when it comes to hear ‘I know’ from a regular cover-band after having butchered the guitar solo of “Hotel California”, this goes without saying. :)
More seriously, as for compliments, I tend to distinguish those based on pure appreciation (‘I love what you do’), and those who tend to convey a judgment (‘What you do is good’). Hearing ‘Hey man I love that song of yours’ is not the same as hearing ‘Hey man, your piano playing is very good’. The first one makes me sincerely reply ‘Thank you, I really appreciate it’ (because I really do love to hear that my work is liked or loved by others), while the second one makes me want to argue a bit further, talk about technique and so… Being able to put the judgement into perspective without lowering myself usually creates a frank and honest conversation, and avoid misunderstandings.
This being said, I can take both kinds of compliments much easier now than 20 years ago. Is it time that helps, or simply the fact that what I do now is worthier receiving compliments than what I did then?

Denying yourself( turning back the compliment) denies the self of the other.
I have been guilty of this in the past but hope to learned the lesson.
Thanks Derek

Thank Derek. I used to be the guy that said I didn't think it sounded that great. But now I always make a point to say thank you for listening. REcently, I've been receiving a lot of feedback through another music site, NumberOneMusic, and I always write a short note back to them. But I see you note I should be asking more about them and what they do. I am not always good at that. ONe of my weaknesses. I tend to find myself telling them I have another CD coming out soon. Anyway, thanks for the read this morning. Hope you are well. You are in Australia, right? Seems like that is where you were last time we corresponded. Cheers! Jonathan

Now this is fantastic advice! Thanks a lot Derek! It is awkward receiving a compliment 100% of the time :)

WhiskeyChild.com

As my Mamma used to say: Just be glad it was a compliment.

I learned this from my piano teacher when I was a kid in the 1960's, and I've shared it many times since. Thanks for sharing it on your blog!

Hey Derek--i continue to enjoy your thoughts:)
I know a young woman who writes a really lovely blog called "Lightning Notes"...i've know her since she was in middle school....i think you should add it to your list of recommended blogs:)

http://thelightningnotes.com/archives-2/

Good advice. I'm front man for my band, LDK Band. I usually respond one of two ways. Sometimes I'll say, "Thank you, but I can't take all the credit. The good Lord has blessed me." More often, I'll say, "Thank you. Honestly, the other musicians in the band are incredible. They're the ones that make me look good."

That's exactly what I do.....When I was younger, I used to argue the point because I didn't think I deserved it. That's all changed now.

Thank you! I love the list emails as I can use them for the whole week of inspiration!! Rock n roll!

It's a problem. It was a problem. Not a problem. Good advice.

There is nothing wrong with goodness when goodness comes to you except it enjoy

a very good point well made Derek.

There was a time whenI wasn't very adept at taking compliments from others, and it seemed strange that I'd spend hours years even honing what I do to then almost reject someone else appreciation of that hard work and talent.
As you note, it's easier and simpler just to thank people (and it does take courage to open yourself to compliment another person)and ask about them .. thank them for coming to the show, ask them if they play write or sing and put them at ease as well as yourself.
I doubt you ever heard of me Derek but in my career, I have been fortunate enough to play to hundreds of thousands of people, yet to me I'm just a bloke who is grateful that he can make his life revolve around doing something he really loves.

Thanks for your articles in general and this one specifically
Best wishes
Jamie :)

I'm glad you explored this topic, Derek. Anyone who has been in the entertainment field has had to deal with what to do when complimented. Do you let it go to your head or do you accept a compliment for what it is, which is an expression of how one feels about the artist at the moment? A compliment can be turned into an attack if it is not handled properly. I'm also glad you mentioned Livingston Taylor. He is so cool that he actually tapped me on the shoulder and said hello while my wife and I were sitting at a table waiting for him to perform at a nightclub in Scottsdale, Arizona. I was a huge fan, but had never met him. Taylor has more great advice for musicians in between songs at this concert:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6TABOgo5WM

Thank you Derek, I've always had my problems by taking compliments, especially as a musician. I'm going to practice this next time!

One of the best bits of advice I was ever given was to always pass a compliment on.

So if friend A say friend C is great because of xyz I always let them know, no matter how throwaway it sounds.

The effect of this is astonishingly powerful to see.

I've always been uncomfortable receiving compliments, so simple the advice. I will definitely put into practice. Merci !

As a musician, I get compliments from time to time. I have a stock reply that's very similar but different to Derek (and Livingstone's) suggestion. I say "Thank you, that's very nice of you", or "Thank you, that's very nice thing for you to say".

This small difference in wording lets me tell them how much I appreciate the effort it took to be interested say something nice. For a performer dependent on goodwill and interest from the audience, I feel like it's important to acknowledge that.

Just saying "Thank You" always sounded a little self-absorbed to me. By acknowledging their kindness explicitly, I get to shine some light back on them. That feels better to me.
Good point. I agree. I simplfied it to make a punchier point, but adding a little more is nicer. — Derek

Brilliant insights thanks for sharing- this one in particular -compliments-especially the brain- repetion-habit piece and the procrastination one ... Infact most..
Passing these on to the lady I'm moving through life with! - Thank you !!!

Totally agree with you Derek, and also will say that it did not come naturally to me to just say thank you. - But over the years with a little bit of perception and lots of repetition I've come around. I remember on time when I was playing solo to a table of of Brazilians that really appreciated the music and thanked me, and what I said was "oh, it would be so much better with if my band were here too " and I could feel how it took the specialness of the occasion out of it. It wasn't relevant what I was comparing it to in my head.

Agreed. It is the gracious thing to do, to accept compliments with grace and thankfulness.

I love this. I would love to see this on a business-card-sized card that I can give a compliment to someone along with the card. Smile and then walk away. I guess I'll get to my typography and start designing the card. If it exists already, someone stop me. :)

I gave my 10 year old nephew a complement and to my surprise he said I know that you. I was caught off guard. I thought he needs to learn better manners. But why. Why does someone that agrees with what I said exactly need better manners. Well because I was taught to be humble. So what does that mean? Why can't I agree with people that have something nice to say. So now I say thank you and reply that I hear most often from handsome/beautiful intelligent people and then hug it out.

what if someone they didnt give you a complement.

I say 'Thank you' most of the time. But when I get a compliment that wreaks of judgmental comparison, I feel an urge to counter with an explanation for how I got that way. For instance, someone might say 'Ugh, your hair is always perfect' and I might say 'Oh, thank you. I finally learned to use my straightener to curl it. It only took me about a decade!' This tells them that I wasn't born that way, I worked for it. Hopefully they will then 1) give me credit and 2) realize that they can have it too.

Just saying thank you or accepting in whatever way, always felt somehow arrogant. But as I read this article and many, many of the comments, which are often as insightful as the article itself, something occurred to me. I think arguing or otherwise denying a compliment has for me been a way to "fish for more". They say "good job", I say "no, I sucked", and then they often will embellish or argue that I really was good, which the harder they insist the better it makes me feel. So I shall be doing this as an exercise in humility, accepting the single compliment and not "fishing" for more. Thanks for sharing what you learn, Mr. Sivers, I've read many of your articles, but this one alone could prove to be life changing for me.

always love your work. Thanks. I learnt to say thank you and accept. I also some times ask for the compliment to be sent to my boss. I hope that my boss is aware how good i am as he is so busy and does not often say. So if my colleagues say so. I ask them to do this.
vinnychoff
recently I have recieved thanks for helping people. i made some technical videos showing how to fix a gear cable on a punto fiat. that feels nice when some one takes the time to say thanks. i always say i appreciate their time to input their words into my youtube account.

It's simple just to say "Thanks" or "Thank You"

Hallo

My name is Jair Perez Hernandez, and I just want to say thank you very much for these life lessons, they have become very helpful to me.
Have a wonderful day.!!

Thank you very much

Jair Perez Hernandez
Mechatronics Technology Inc.
6965 Camino Maquiladora Ste. B
San Diego CA. 92154
Ph.# 619-629-0503
E-mail> [email protected]

Very Correct, be courteous to complimenter and persue your goals for their intrinsic values, being unmoved

I too say thank you. I would add that people like to share nice emotions, so if I can add something to share I will.

For example, if they like my Tottoro hat, I could say, "Thank you, yaaa...Wasn't that a good movie? ... I liked the hat right away, and sent away for it on the web... from an American in Japan with an export business; he has a Japanese wife and kids." (Peter Payne)

For my rhetoric, "Thank you; it's sure fun to learn to sling words, eh?" And with eyes glinting we can both agree.

For my writing, "Thank you; are you an avid reader too? Don't you just love..."

I believe it’s even better to extend the “thank you” by saying something like, “thank you for saying that”, or “that’s kind of you to say that”, or thank you, I appreciate that” It all depends on the compliment and the situation of course
But sometimes I’ll compliment someone, they’ll give a rather perfunctory ‘thank you’’, which can come across as having a sense of entitlement to compliments. I think its also about acknowledging the ‘complimenter’ for their, as you say, courage to reach out.

i love livingston taylor! he's a brilliant guy and awesome songwriter. i got to spend a week with him in ireland on a trip arranged by castles and concerts,. i love your thoughts!
freddy clarke from menlo park

it is indeed interesting to learn how to say thank you , most of the time my friends do like to appreciate me when am smart , but sometime my reply to them is not thank you ,
but today i learn something important i will now try my best to say thank you