I was once having a conversation with an attractive friend of mine who informed me that he was conventionally more attractive than all of his girlfriends. He always felt like he could “do better.” He was even told by his friends that he could do better.

Hotter. Wealthier. Thinner.

What did that mean, exactly? I was intrigued because he was talking about perceived attraction. He wasn’t talking about what he himself liked. He was worried about the appearance of settling.

I am not, conventionally, the prettiest girl in the room. I’ve been told I need to lose weight, even though I once had an eating disorder which caused my hair to fall out and put me in the ER twice. I’ve been told I post too many memes. I post too much online. My public persona is a bit of a mess because…there is no persona, really. I post what I’m thinking, almost to a fault, and apparently, this is unattractive to men who want to convey a certain “image.”

I’m not saying just cis men do this. I have seen others do the same. Are they dating down? Are they settling? Could they “do better?”

And here is where there’s a clear disconnect between what you find attractive and what other people expect you to find attractive. This is when we care more about having the best or prettiest person as a status symbol…over having a real connection with someone. This is when we Build-a-Boy over finding a person we genuinely have chemistry with.

There are so many ways we fear this. We fear people will think we are settling, or maybe we ourselves think we are settling. I have seen this applied to race as well…with white or light-colored people thinking they’re marrying “down” by dating someone darker. Weight — a conventionally slim or buff person worried how they will be perceived with a fat partner. Wealth, education — you name it.

Here are the ways I’m not the Prettiest Girl in the Room:

• Outspokenly feminist.
• I’m darker than some people would like — Colorism.
• I have found that I intimidate people, and I don’t know exactly why or how, but I’m putting that here.
• I am traumatized and anxious, and not willing to hide it. I fuckin’ blog about it.
• A digital nomad who wants another digital nomad…not to meet a guy and settle down. I want a travel buddy.
• I post a ton of memes and unedited photos of myself on my main accounts.
• I make lots of jokes. Lots. Apparently this is unattractive? I don’t even know how this works.
• I am not thin, and I don’t kill myself to be thin. It’s not a goal of mine. I like myself as I am right now. I mean, I wish I had stronger quads, but my fitness goals are not weight loss goals.
• I like to dance in public. A lot.
• I’m pretty sober these days — I don’t drink to have fun and unwind.
• I don’t want to be with someone whose public persona will mean I have to change how I make my living and express myself.
• Pretty sure one of my nostrils is bigger than the other. Okay, nobody has complained about this, but I notice it.
• I’m not stylish in how I dress, and I definitely am a more functional dresser than anything.
• I need lots of hand-holding during sex, and I prefer to do it sober, and to have my partner be sober. You’d be amazed how many times this eliminates people. Sober sex is a foreign concept to many.
• I’m “crazy” according to some people.
• Hell, there are probably a lot more I’m not thinking of, so I’ll just put this one here as a catch-all.

But maybe I don’t want to be the “prettiest girl in the room.” Maybe I don’t want to be the hot girl at the bar. I don’t want to wear the heels. I don’t want to be a trophy or a status symbol. I don’t want to be hairless all the time. I very much want carbs to be a part of my life.

I have had conventionally attractive men tell me they would partner up with me if I changed something about myself — maybe my weight, my online presence, etc., and then they seem shocked when I am okay with moving on. They have been shocked when I decline their sexual advances. It’s very clear when someone thinks they’re better than you and throwing you dick as some kind of favor.

Don’t do me that “favor”, please. Nobody is dating down by dating me. If you still think that way, please grow up.

I don’t want to be the prettiest girl in the room…as long as I’m the prettiest to one special person.

And sticking up for someone despite their flaws, loving someone despite what society thinks — instead of hiding the fact that you like someone nerdy, someone bigger, someone a different race than you —

Well, that’s very sexy.

So what have you been told to find attractive?

And what do you really find attractive?