← 素食者抑郁的风险高2倍，但原因你肯定猜错了猫猫也是可以被训练好的 →

17

发霉啦：今天，我的未婚夫回来了

不是这个浦西
今天，我的未婚夫回来了，所以我决定给自己去个毛，说不定会派上用场。我加热了蜜蜡纸，把它们放在了柜子上。结果我们的猫跳到了柜子上，滚到了一张蜜蜡纸上。这么说吧，错误的浦西来了次痛苦的去毛。FML
Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

难言之隐
今天，新的邻居问我能不能管管我的狗，大晚上叫个没完没了，吵的他睡不成觉。我没有养狗，但是我还是道了歉。我没有勇气承认那是我女朋友叫床的声响。FML
Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

不要单身，要爱爱
今天，我发现拿走我第一次的那个男人竟然是因为跟别人打赌才跟我睡的。他向我坦白并且道了歉。看他的样子是真心悔改了，于是我就原谅了他，又和他搞到了一起。结果却发现这也是他跟别人打的赌。最糟糕的部分？如果重来我还会这么做的，因为我就是这么的孤单。FML
Today, I realized that the guy I lost my virginity to only slept with me for a bet. He confessed and apologized. He truly looked like he regretted it, so I forgave him and we hooked up again. Turns out this was a bet too. The worst part? I would do it again, because I'm really that lonely. FML

你确定想要干吗？
今天，我老公终于准备好和我来一发了，即便他还觉得这样怪怪的，因为我还挺着大肚子没卸货。由于晨吐，我吐了他一身。FML
Today, my husband finally was ready to have sex, even though he feels it's a bit weird because I'm pregnant. Due to morning sickness, I threw up all over him. FML

金针菇
今天，男朋友让我帮他深喉，我不得不告诉他说，不够长，捅不到我的嗓子眼儿。那玩意儿也就刚到我舌头根儿。现在他就跟那儿生闷气呢。我又改变不了他的长度。FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to deep throat him and I had to tell him he isn’t long enough to reach my throat. It just about reaches the back of my tongue, but that’s it. He’s now sulking. I can’t change the length of his prick. FML

谢谢你站我
今天，在和男朋友完事儿后，我躺在他的怀里。然后他握着自己的小弟弟，让它对我说：“刚才真爽啊！谢谢你呀。”他都21岁了啊。FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years-old. FML

好球
今天，女朋友难过时最喜欢干的事儿就是躺在我旁边，然后玩儿我的球。她说玩儿起来特舒服，就好像我的春袋是她的情感支持玩物。但对我来说是彻底的痛苦，当她不开心的时候我就要躺下来，然后掏出球来，可她从来都不碰我的小弟弟，尽管这会让我欲火中烧。FML
Today, my girlfriend's favourite thing to do when upset is lie next to me and play with my balls. She says it’s a comfort thing, like my sack is her emotional support toy. It’s a total pain, when she’s upset it’s lie down and balls out, but she never touches my penis, despite it making me horny. FML

大男孩
今天，我是双性恋，在和前任女友分手后，最近和一个男人好上了。我对这个男人欲望十足，在我打算好好满足一下时，却发现他的还没5公分长。FML
Today, I'm bisexual and recently got into talking with a man after dumping my girlfriend. I had a “craving” for a man and when I went to fulfill my needs, it wasn't even two inches long. FML

好事成双
今天，和我谈了一段时间的那个男生问我能不能3P。和他女朋友一起。FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

初血者
今天，我和男朋友第一次做，他不停地告诉我不要担心有血，还安慰我说他会好好照顾我的。结果做到一半他先昏过去了。FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

怪的很
今天，男朋友在高潮时脱口而出了一个词儿——“手术刀”。他不肯告诉我原因。FML
Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

有其母必有其女
今天，我在半夜两点偷偷把一个男孩子领进带出我房间的时候，撞见了我妈偷偷的把一个男人领进她的房间。FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

WTF
今天，我目睹了室友跟一个姑娘说，他“拉的屎非常健康”。我本想取笑他，但是他睡了那姑娘，而我回家只有五姑娘。FML
Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

我全都要
今天，我问男朋友，他是要玩《刺客信条》还是要跟我滚一晚上床单。他竟犹豫到哭了出来。FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

赞一个 (37)