Radical compassion and acceptance can be a day-by-day thing — Photo by Julian Majer on Pexels

I’m a therapist who prides herself as being evidence-based, intuitive, creative, and integrational.

Yes, I do therapy, but rarely do I approach it from a single lens — this would make me a therapist who borrows elements from many modalities to suit the needs of the individual that I am talking to.

Client seems to appreciate this, including those who have chronic illnesses. Plus, having that eclectic knowledge (on top of that traditional framework) is also useful, especially when the same client sees that I am on a similar page to other members of their care team.

Lately, I’ve found myself integrating more and more elements of the acceptance-and-commitment (ACT) branch of therapy, especially when many therapeutic modalities have already been exhausted with some clients (by other therapists).

A Crash Course Into Acceptance

For the uninitiated, the acceptance model of therapy acknowledges that life is full of uncertainties and setbacks. It also doesn’t require fighting against intrusive thoughts.

The acceptance model of therapy resonates most strongly with those with chronic illnesses, and the current research seems to support this.

Instead, ACT is more centred on the idea of gaining psychological flexibility by eventually accepting ourselves — and using that to springboard a potential sense of joy later on.

The best way to conceptualize acceptance is that we cannot force happiness — so we can hunker down and make our unpleasant (but temporary) stay more manageable. In the process, we gradually learn to co-exist with distress, but don’t necessarily give in to it either — as it’s not worth our time doing so.

Accepting is Not Doing

For example, perhaps you might pad yourself with many breathing techniques, online friends, and courses — while also navigating the distresses of daily living.

Yes, you are tempted to do a very bad or distressing thing, but you also know that it’s just a thought and you are more than just your thoughts — you are the summation of many actions, accomplishments, and ideals.

You might find something within yourself that keeps you going, namely, a value that you hold dear to you. For example, if we look at this values piece, some people might say it’s their sense of judgement, or safety, or kindness.

We if use kindness as the guiding point, then maybe it becomes a tethering point to springboard further action. If we follow the acceptance hexaflex, it looks something like this:

• Finding a sense of direction using our guiding values
• Engaging in a committed action that aligns to those values — and generating realistic goals in the process
• Identifying how we fit into the bigger picture, how others fit into it, and what their values might be — in relation to us and our values
• Defusing the situation with coping techniques, including mindfulness, distress tolerance — to gain that psychological flexibility
• Gradually accepting the situation, with a neutral mindset
• Re-orienting ourselves in the present tense, and maybe looking at the day-to-day if things are overwhelming — and harking back to our guiding values

Love and/or achievement can be your guiding values — Photo by Tim Gouw on Pexels

How Radical Compassion Fits In

When I first became a therapist, my latest paying manager was nice enough to give me a Christmas present — a shiny and beautiful gift card. I wasn’t even expecting it at all. I used it to buy a Kindle.

From that Kindle, I was surprised to learn that there are many free books out there — including many books on self-help, history, psychology, and many more.

Thinking more about the acceptance model of therapy (even then), I got around to reading an accessible ebook entitled Radical Compassion, produced by Shambala Publications.

Defining Radical Compassion

If we follow the philosophical workings of Ken Lampert, radical compassion is the kind of empathy that we might direct onto others — especially when others are under duress.

It is radical because it requires us to reframe our sense of reality to accommodate and potentially relieve the pain of others. In turn, others will do unto us what we have done unto them.

Thus, radical compassion is a universal construct that supersedes different cultures and invokes social change.

Major Takeaways From the Book

Radical Compassion was an interesting read since I rarely think about compassion from a more humanistic, philosophical, and spiritual lens. From the book, my many takeaways on radical compassion are:

• It allows you be friends with yourself and that it is hard to contain it — this generates new outlets (like friendships) that become increasingly promising over time
• It puts us in flux and makes us want to always improve ourselves — this pathway results in us trying to find others who have similar ideologies or wavelengths
• It is not necessarily tied to achievement — for example, you can reach Mount Everest, but you also need to consider what this achievement can serve to you (and others) in the long haul, especially in the next few months or years
• It is the supposed ultimate wealth — a journey where you become fulfilled as you get older, as it supersedes our actions and bleeds into the actions of others
• It becomes an extended arm of compassion — since we can be honest with ourselves and become more relatable, loving, and sociable over time
• You don’t necessarily have to truly feel it to yield it, it is something that is literally the embodiment of you (or at least a part of you)
• Material objects can sometimes assist with it, such as food, shelter, and water, but once these are in excess, you can provide them onto others
• However, material objects can sometimes make it complicated, like the preoccupation of ongoing bill and house payments, so do be mindful if you are using material objects
• It enables optimism and some sense of agency

As well, I got the sense that intent also matters — we are not doing these things because we are expecting much, we are doing it intuitively, and sometimes, others might return the favour (when we are not expecting it).

It’s okay if there is uncertainty; it’s all a normal part of being human — Photo by Tobi on Pexels

Wielding Compassion and Acceptance

Despite original intent, what matters is how you use compassion and acceptance in your daily life. Thus, to further cultivate it, I would surmise that we can:

• Check our internal and external motives, attitudes, and actions
• Strive for a more positive (or neutral) source of motivation
• Normalize how it differs for each person
• Be extra gentle and patient with yourself
• Continue to train our minds through meditation, yoga, mindfulness, self-affirmations, and/or physical exercise
• Start with small-scale thinking and then work towards larger-scale thinking
• Accept our negative thoughts, but not act on it
• Process how something feels in our body, and imagine flattening it out like bread to butter
• Practice further breathwork like somatic processing and/or distress tolerance
• Allow yourself to feel and to cry at times— acknowledging suffering is human and reminds you of your own moral compass
• Reframe setbacks as learning opportunities
• Set up a consistent routine for sleep, rest, etc.
• Put tenderness and love into others
• Sound out difficult concepts in groups or teams

A Different Mindfulness Approach

If we took it a step further, Dr. Tara’s Branch framing of acceptance might be more structured and approachable, particularly her notion of ‘RAIN Meditation’. For example, we can:

• Recognize the sensations in our bodies and minds — like the tense jaw that you might be holding, the occasional rumbles of your stomach, and the pervasive pains in your body
• Allow those sensations to occur without getting angry at it — acknowledge the anger but don’t push it out, since pushing it out will only make it worse
• Investigate what might be causing those feelings of anxiety — such as any roots or patterns — and if there are ways to change, distract, or modify your routine
• Nurture the parts of you that are very anxious — like imagining yourself in the warm embrace of others or in a warm blanket cocoon —and reminding yourself that you are worthy of love and support

If we customize this exercise, perhaps you can also listen to some music, move your eyes back and forth, and do emotional tapping motions (with your hands) across different points in your body.

Photo by Victor Freitas on Pexels

Parting Thoughts

To have radical compassion and acceptance is to embrace the parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable, including our own faults and limitations.

When you are stressed out, there’s a chance that your heart is racing and is trying to make sense of the greater world. Delivering mindful states and performing good deeds can at least re-orient ourselves to a more neutral state of mind — and helps us survive adversity.

Plus, others may help us out at unexpected times, because of the social contagion that arises from acceptance and compassion. When faced with adversity, we need a means of processing the overarching darkness, even if we are not at fault for it.

However, what works best for you might differ from the next person, and that’s okay — acceptance and compassion are just a small (but impactul) part of the bigger journey that is life.