In the past few months, being on and off on dating apps, having, and then not having any success, facing the reality again that my love life is just not what I imagined it would be, I obviously got to the point when the same question popped up in my mind over and over again. What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to find someone and start to build a relationship with him? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? Why am I so needy?

In the quest of searching for the answer and desperately looking for the affirmation, that there is nothing wrong with me, I came across the attachment theory as one potential solution to my apparent shortcomings when it comes to dating and relationships. I quickly identified myself as an anxiously attached type, the one who is clingy, the one who gets insecure without external validation, the one who is afraid of losing other people. You know the type; the anxious, overthinking people-pleaser who would sacrifice herself for anyone or whatever it takes just to feel loved and needed and desired.

The truth is when I read about it first, and it resonated with me, I felt a huge relief — as if someone had handed me over this absolution, saying it’s all fine, it’s all reasonable, it’s all explained. But knowing about it didn’t solve any of my problems. Instead, I started to watch every interaction through my attachment style, rationalising why I am the way I am, always arriving at the conclusion that, yeah, duh, I’m anxiously attached.

In a way, psychological labels work similarly to astrological signs or love languages. They are a generalized, stereotypical way of looking at certain groups, homogenous by specific attributes. They are not genuinely wrong, but they are not precise enough either. They are there to explain certain aspects — which they do — but while doing that, they also create barriers and limiting beliefs. This is what’s happening with taking attachment styles too seriously. I was watching an Instagram reel from a dating coach, and his take on letting go of attachment styles made me think about how we are limiting ourselves unnecessarily with just another categorization.

So, what’s wrong with the attachment styles?

They unnecessarily put a label on you

As human beings, we love to belong. We need it. We need to know that we are a part of something bigger than us, be it our tribe, our community, our society, or the group of like-minded people sharing our interests. It helps us identify ourselves and strengthens our connection with our peers. So, we go for labels. We love labels. We love to belong to groups where we feel heard, seen and understood. And this is great. To a certain extent. Up to the point where the given (or supposed) label is not creating a limitation for us, belonging to a group is a necessity. But we need to be careful with it.

A label will brand you, describe you, explain why you are the way you are, and convince you that there are many more out there like you. It gives the false security of belonging and it also creates the feeling of a caste system, something that you cannot get out of, nor should you.

But attachment styles are not a life sentence, they are a mix of feelings and behaviours that can change over time. A securely attached person can become insecurely attached given unfortunate circumstances, and an insecurely attached person can turn into secure by the right people and right relationship.

They create limiting beliefs

On top of creating the sense of a prison sentence, attachment styles (the insecure ones at least) create limiting beliefs. As humans, we long to understand things. We are emotional creatures who use reason to post-rationalize.

Attachment styles offer a way out of regulating our behaviour and changing our ways which are detrimental to our emotional progress. They also condemn us to act in certain manners; once we have a good reason to be accepted as we are, it is more difficult to break out of it. We usually do as we are expected — as it makes us more accepted by others.

Limiting beliefs are stories that we are telling ourselves that block our way of acting differently from what we know and understand. Having another explanation of why we are the way we are can create a limitation that we will need to work through later.

They can make you watch your life through a broken lens

Unless you are a securely attached person — who by the way wouldn’t care about their attachment style too much — learning about your style is to find answers to problems in your life. And while self-improvement is great and I couldn’t recommend it enough, it also reinforces the belief that there is something wrong with you.

Understanding how your caretakers couldn’t meet your needs is a good way to make sense of the past and probably give some explanations about your present, but they don’t give too much help in shaping your future. Especially if you look at your attachment style to rationalize your behaviour instead of trying to change it. Oh, of course, I am clingy, you know, I am anxiously attached. Or… Yeah, I don’t need anyone, because everyone abandoned me anyway,that's why I am an avoidant.

Most people consume self-help without acting on it. Anyone can read 100 self-help books in a year, but few will actually apply the learnings to their lives. Understanding yourself is great if you can pinpoint the problem and you can act. But just knowing about it, will only give you a distorted lens to look at everything you do through it — making you miserable with the knowledge of being screwed up.

What to do instead?

The good point about attachment styles is that it is — similarly to the 5 love languages — talking about our existing needs and shines a light on certain relationship dynamics. Knowing about them could help you understand that we all have different needs, and we all address them differently — we identify them differently, we ask for them differently. And while there are healthier and unhealthier ways of expressing your needs, in any case — regardless of your attachment style — your needs are valid and you need to make sure that they are met.

Your needs are valid and you are responsible for them to be met.

Clear communication, transparency, honesty, consistent validation are not irrational needs — they are valid human needs that we all look for. The way you ask for them, the people you ask them for, the way how you yourself can meet some of your own needs can be different from person to person.

Instead of blocking yourself by accepting the label of an attachment style, it’s more useful to work on identifying and expressing your needs. You might need to change your perspective about them, you might need to redirect some of them to different people, you might need to accept that some of them won’t be met. You might need to start to communicate better, saying yes to different things and no to others.

Having needs is human. Needing attention is normal. Getting attached to people is inevitable — and beautiful. Instead of worrying about your attachment style, work on knowing your needs better and finding better ways how to get them met.