Sometimes when we choose ourselves, we are choosing them too.

“I can’t let my family down”

“I don’t want to disappoint my parents”

“My parents gave their whole lives up for me, this is the least I can do for them”

“I wouldn’t want our extended family to judge my parents for my actions”

These are common narratives I hear in the therapy room when working with immigrants and children of immigrants who are trying to come into their “bicultural identities” (and are beliefs I’ve struggled with myself throughout my life). Clients tell me how heavily their parents’ disappointment weighs on them whenever they even think about making decisions that their parents might disapprove of, let alone take actions towards those decisions (that would be truly unimaginable). It feels like they must constantly choose between the discomfort of doing what they want at their parents’ expense or doing what their parents want at their own expense. After recognizing that neither of these are ideal options, they almost always tell me that choosing themselves feels harder because of the immense feelings of shame and guilt that they know would follow. When you choose to disappoint yourself instead of your parents, at least this is something that only impacts you, and some part of us tells us that this means it’s easier to deal with (spoiler — it’s not).

Cognitive Dissonance and the Immigrant Experience

To make sense of and deal with this discomfort, we need to first understand why it’s so uncomfortable. Psychologically, we feel “cognitive dissonance” when our actions, beliefs, and values don’t align in some way. For example, if you value honesty and then lie to someone, you will probably feel uncomfortable because your actions are not in line with your values. If this happens once, you might have the thought that “if honesty is good and lying is bad, then I did something bad.” But when we consistently do things that are not in line with our values or beliefs, the story we start to tell ourselves becomes “if honesty is good and lying is bad, then I am someone bad.” The intensity of this discomfort depends on a range of factors including but not limited to:

i.) The importance of the value: is honesty a core value or something that’s less important?
ii.) The degree of misalignment: did you tell a white lie or betray someone’s trust irrevocably?
iii.) The consequences of your actions: did someone else witness this and do they now also think you’re a bad person?

Cognitive dissonance is unfortunately a common experience for many immigrants because the nature of immigration itself means often having to integrate conflicting values from the home country that one is leaving and the new country one is coming to. Now, I’m not suggesting that non-immigrants don’t also experience cognitive dissonance from time to time because this is a universal experience. What I am suggesting though is that cultural values inform societal norms, and if your family shares the same values as the society you live in, it will probably be much easier for you to uphold these same values and follow societal norms too. For example, the individualistic Canadian norm of young adults moving out of their parents’ home to attend university or college around age 18 means it’s not uncommon for most non-immigrant, Canadian children to separate from their parents at that time. Not only does our society tell these kids that this is normal, but so do their parents. This unified messaging often leads to confident decision making and self-assuredness.

Let’s compare that to the experience of 1st or 2nd generation children whose families more recently immigrated to Canada from collectivistic countries where the norm is to live in the family home until marriage. So, while Canadian society also tells these kids that moving away from home for school is normal, their parents and their home culture often don’t corroborate this message. This mixed messaging then leads to self-doubt, anxiety, confusion, and a fragmented sense of self. If the individual in this situation wants to move away for school, a state of cognitive dissonance occurs and they might start to believe that “If I want to do something that my parents think is wrong, I must be a bad daughter.” Because the values of independence and interdependence are so conflicting, it can feel impossible to live a life that is in line with both sets of values. On a macro level, to choose one means to reject the other and to integrate into the new culture means to leave behind the old culture completely. On a micro level, to live for yourself means to disappoint your parents.

Stepping Into Your Bicultural Identity

You can reduce or eliminate cognitive dissonance by either changing your values and beliefs to line up better with your behaviours, or by changing your behaviours to line up better with your values and beliefs. Understanding what you value and why this matters to you is a crucial first step. For immigrants whose personal values will be influenced by two sets of cultural values, this means figuring out which values from each culture you want to integrate into your personal value system — the very definition of developing a bicultural identity. Forcing yourself to either accept or reject either culture completely (like I’ve noticed many immigrants tend to do, especially in earlier stages of the acculturation process) is just not feasible for most people. Recognizing that it’s okay and normal to value certain things more or less than your parents do because of your unique lived experiences growing up in the space between two cultural identities will be an important part of this process.

Once you have a clearer sense of what you value, it should be much easier to figure out what behaviours would align best with these values. At this point, you might be noticing that you do value some or maybe even a lot of the same things as your parents but still feel some tension or misalignment between yourself and them. It’s important to understand that it’s possible to value the same things as your parents, but to perhaps live out and express these values in different ways at different times. For example, maybe your parents show they value family by spending all of their free time with family members, whereas maybe you show that you value family by providing emotional support to your family and being there for them during difficult times. One of these is not better or worse ways to live out this value than the other — they are simply different. With compassion, patience, and understanding towards yourself, what needs to happen is unlearning some of the internalized core beliefs that tell you that you are a bad person for living out your values in the ways that make the most sense for you. It’s always okay to choose yourself.

“Your parents are not meant to be the antagonists of your story. But they’re also not the authors” — Sahaj Kohli

If you are struggling with this, I’ll leave you with some questions I often ask my clients in therapy to begin this process of unlearning and relearning:

· Does it make you a bad person to want differently for yourself than your parents do?
· At what expense do you have a ‘good’ relationship with your parents right now? What parts of yourself do you have to hide to make this happen?
· How sustainable is it for you to continue giving up your own needs? Imagine your life in 5 years. If it’s this painful now, how painful will it be then?
· Think of a specific value you share with your parents. How do they live out this value, and how do you live out this value?
· Think of something you value that your parent’s don’t. Why is this something that’s important to you? Could you imagine just not caring about this anymore?

Personally, I find it easy at times to lose sight of the bigger picture regarding navigating an often challenging bicultural identity. What I remind myself in moments like this are that my family did not uproot their lives and move across an ocean for me to be unhappy. By choosing myself, I am choosing them too.