Our daily lives are a constant barrage of beeps, boops, buzzes, and dings. Our iPhone cries for attention, our laptop chirps a new email alert, and we shout at Alexa demanding to know today’s weather. We shove boots onto unwilling, tablet-holding toddlers and make multiple attempts to gain our screen-glued teenager’s attention. Mornings like these are the perfect storm for an existential crisis. What are we even doing?

Technological advances have undoubtedly made our lives easier in many ways. Long car rides might be a bit more relaxing with our middle schooler engaged in a video game or our 5-year-old watching Moana for the hundredth time. Video conferencing software allowed many across the country to attend school or work and have some sort of socialization during one of the many peaks of COVID-19.

Family schedules are coordinated and streamlined with only a few clicks. Smartphones give us a sense of security, knowing our children can contact us in an emergency. It isn’t all bad.

And then come the mornings of struggle over toddler tablets. Or the fights over dinner when our tween can’t pull away from TikTok. Or concern over our teenager staying up all night playing video games only to be falling asleep in class the next day. Our spouse or partner merely grunts when we attempt to make conversation over morning coffee.

With a plethora of devices constantly vying for our attention, family relations can feel tenuous, at best. But outside of the occasional annoyance or argument with a tech-riddled teen or spouse, what is the big deal with chronic tech use? Does it have a real-world impact on our family’s health and wellbeing?

Dangers in the Digital World

As parents, we direct most of our digital concerns towards our children. However, it is first essential to note the impact of technology on ourselves. When it comes to social media, we are not immune to the phenomenon of social comparison. You know…that one friend who seems to have it all? The perfect marriage, the perfect baby, the perfect job, the perfect body, the Hawaiian vacations, and seemingly endless amounts of money.

Our rational brain knows it’s a highly curated representation of our friend’s life. The other part of our brain writhes in envy and wonders how we, too, can have perfect things and piles of money. Maybe we even feel a little down about ourselves or our own life and accomplishments. Why aren’t we more successful? Why aren’t we more beautiful? Why won’t our kids stand like perfect angels for family photos? Why doesn’t our body look like that?

If we take a moment to reflect on our own experiences with social media, we can begin to imagine how our children have similar experiences, only tenfold. Teens and tweens spend an average of six to nine hours per day online. Social media exposes our children to a never-ending onslaught of “perfect” peers and a representation of all of the things they do not have.

While parents may be concerned about screen addiction, it is rare in children and teenagers. However, dangers in the digital world do exist. These can include cyberbullying, increased anxiety-related to response-time on social media and texting apps, upward comparisons such as in the above example, and even encouragement for eating disorders through thinspo or fitspo accounts.

Add to all of this the increased screen time demanded of us all during the COVID-19 pandemic. We are all feeling more stressed, tired, cranky, burned out, and irritable. Yes, Zoom fatigue is real.

One way we can mitigate the strife and stress that comes with screens is to develop a culture of digital wellness within our families.

Digital Wellness

We often associate aspects of our life such as nutrition, movement, mitigating stress levels, and staying hydrated with health and wellness. Less frequently, we think about how our chronic use of technology may be impacting our overall wellness and that of our family.

The Digital Wellness Lab at Boston Children’s Hospital defines digital wellness as “An intentional state of physical, mental, and social health that occurs with mindful engagement with the digital and natural environment.”

That sounds great, but what does it mean?

Digital wellness, in practice, means we strive to have a balanced approach to daily living to ensure we spend time off the screen. Digital health means we intentionally approach all aspects of digital technology, including social media, gaming, and even email, with a sense of responsibility and mindfulness. We practice intentional engagement with the natural environment, meaning we go outside and see the light of day now and then.

Maintaining digital wellness can sound like a lofty goal for full-grown adults and parents. The digital world encompasses most of our personal and professional lives. We can easily become overwhelmed with the need to also mitigate our children’s technology use.

How can we structure our and our children’s lives to create a better environment centered on digital wellness?

Digital Wellness as a Family Affair

No matter how important our job might be or how reliant we are on a prompt response to emails or text messages, we are constantly modeling technology use for our children. We may think our work-texting over dinner is justified because we need to wrap up this one last thing. Or the work call we take while watching a movie with our family is no big deal because that’s how we pay the bills.

We all have difficult decisions, and personal and professional priorities are complex. There is no shame and blame here. But, as parents, we have to be honest that we are consistently modeling for our children. And technology use is no different.

Objectively speaking, our work is likely more important than our teenager’s TikTok viewing. But to our children, there is no difference. Their online attention to peer interactions is just as important as our attention to our work phone.

Digital wellness needs to be a family affair.

Approaches to Digital Wellness

All families are different. What works for one family may not work for another. There is no one template for digital wellness that will work for everyone. Before developing a family wellness plan, take time to think and reflect on your family’s needs and priorities.

Is it essential that your family eat one meal a day together? Do you value extended family time outside? Intentional connectedness through playing a board game? Simply sharing space and watching a movie together on the weekends? Verbal connectedness by scheduling a family meeting once per week?

Again, there is no one-size-fits-all.

The following strategies are helpful to create a culture of digital wellness within your family.

Communication

The first approach to digital wellness is communication. As parents, we must communicate with our children that digital health and wellness are essential to us and explain why. There should be no finger-wagging, and be careful to use “we” language. A few important points to note:

• We include ourselves and our technology use in the conversation. If you have very young children, have this conversation with a spouse or partner. If you’re a single parent, ask a friend or family member to discuss digital wellness or how they approach technology use within their families.
• Include older children in family discussions about digital wellness. Communicate that you are inviting ongoing conversation about technology use and feedback about your technology use as well.
• Your children should see you as a safe person to discuss their concerns or worries about technology, including social media interactions. They should also communicate their concerns about your technology use if and when it becomes problematic.

Connection

All digital wellness plans should include some aspects of intentional family connection. Connection does not need to look one specific way, but it can help to overlap with family tech breaks. A few examples can be:

• Create a “family phone box” and have everyone put their phones in the box for an hour at dinner every day. Or schedule a game afternoon once per week where everyone must relinquish their phones to the box for the game’s duration. Yes, everyone. Even you, parents!
• Get out of the house and connect with nature. Digital wellness includes engagement with the natural environment. Engagement with nature can include things like hiking or planning a camping trip. But it can also be simple,, like planning family walks a couple of times per week, going to a park for a couple of hours, doing some gardening, or even eating a meal outside.
• Plan a “yes” day with your family under one caveat: Phones, tablets, and other tech gadgets stay put away for the day. And, yes, that includes yours as well.

Continuity

Your needs and priorities and those of your family will change over time. Digital wellness plans should be living, breathing methods that change with time. They live in a state of continuity. What is appropriate for your 5-year-old will likely not be suitable for your 15-year-old. Or even your 10-year-old.

Likewise, we change jobs over time, and our professional digital requirements will wax and wane. Digital wellness should be an ongoing discussion within families rather than a one-and-done, fix-it mentality.

Building a Family Culture of Digital Wellness

When first broaching digital wellness, your family might meet you with some resistance. Even your partner or spouse may balk at examining their own technology use. Resistance is normal.

We are so reliant on technology in our daily lives the thought of removing some aspect of our digital engagement can be anxiety-provoking. For adolescents and teenagers, especially, even an hour away from their online peer connections can seem impossible.

Practice empathy and do your best to be patient. Understand that digital wellness is a cultural shift for many people and families. Creating a new cultural norm within families takes time.

Start small and recognize that even broaching this topic with your family is a step in the right direction.

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