How to Deal with a Jealous Manager

Comparing ourselves to others is a central part of the human experience. You can see it in almost every stage of life: A toddler who wants a new toy because her buddy got one; a teen searching for the best photo app so their Instagram pictures measure up to their friends; or an adult grateful to have spent the lockdown in their apartment with a balcony and great views while their peer was stuck in a windowless studio.

At work, too, comparisons are commonplace. Sometimes we’re envious of a colleague’s great presentation or jealous that someone else got picked to work on that high-profile project. Sometimes we face jealousy in response to our own successes as well.

But what if the jealousy or resentment is coming from your manager?

When an insecure manager is confronted with a subordinate who outshines them, they are likely to feel threatened. Research shows that in such cases, managers tend to react in a couple of ways:

1) Reactions that will not hurt you: Your manager finds a way to humbly self-deprecate and believes your high performance is because you’re exceptional.

In such cases, you may find that your manager tells themselves a false narrative about your performance: that your popularity is a result of your genius and privilege. This helps them justify their own shortcomings or lack of popularity in comparison.

If this is your situation, your manager is probably harmless, and it’s best not to stir the pot.

2) Reactions that can hurt you: Your manager often says or does things that makes their jealousy evident. Here are some tell-tale signs that their reactions are harmful:

• They always find something to criticize about your work, even when it drives results and is praised by others.
• They frequently interrupt you during meetings or one-on-ones.
• They belittle your accomplishments in front of your team.
• They ignore you.
• They seem to enjoy pointing out your mistakes.
• They give you projects no one else wants to work on.

If this is your situation, your manager may feel that the recognition you are receiving is uncalled for and unfair. They may see you as a threat and resent you. It’s typical for a manager in this mindset to distance themselves from you, socially ostracize you, and attempt to remove any advantages you have in the system. Know that this is not your fault, but it could affect your growth and development.

If you’re seeing your future prospects fade because of a jealous manager, use the following tips to help you manage their emotions (and your career path).

1) Understand the psychology. Your boss is human and has the same need for status and respect in the workplace as everyone else. When they see you outshining them, they can feel threatened, especially if they perceive their own popularity and status are being diminished, giving rise to jealousy, envy, or frustration. Psychologists call this the state of relative deprivation — feeling disadvantaged or inferior when comparing yourself to others, accompanied by the perception that you are worse off than them.

While it’s on your manager to deal with their own feelings of insecurity and resentment, you also might want to check to see if there’s anything you need to change about your own behavior. Ask yourself:

• Do I share the spotlight with this person in a relatively equal way?
• Do I give credit where it is due?
• Do I show enough appreciation and recognition of the teamwork behind my success?

By answering these questions, you will be in a better position to understand if any of your own behaviors have contributed to their insecurities.

2) Manage their reactions with humility. Inevitably, when we succeed, we attribute the performance to our own ambition, drive, skills, and abilities. Although that might be true, we need to acknowledge the exceptional circumstances and fortunate opportunities we may have received along the way. This is where you can remind your manager about how you are grateful for the support, mentorship, sponsorship, and exposure they may have given you to help you on this path to success. It is critical to not just do this in private conversations but also to acknowledge this publicly in front of stakeholders valued by your boss.

For example, the next time your work is honored or called out in a large meeting, you could say: “I also just want to acknowledge that a large part of this success is due to the support of my manager, and the opportunities they’ve given me. I want to specifically thank [manager’s name] for encouraging me to take on [opportunity]. This recognition is not just for my performance but for all those decisions they made to make this project happen.”

Remember, your humility and gratitude need to be genuine. When appropriate, call out specific events and stories that exemplify your manager’s support, or talk about how your manager helped you work through a challenge. Thank your manager for exposing you to great networking or development opportunities, or giving you a chance to work on high-profile projects.

3) Use your success to empower both your manager and your peers. When you’re prospering, you may become more self-focused. But it’s critical to stop and find ways to use your influence to help others succeed. Suppose you have a certain level of leverage at work because of your success. Share that power first with your manager. Invite and include them during critical events. Build their profile when you are seen as the star. You should! That is what makes a team player.

You can also share your expertise with peers through formal or informal mentoring, or by running team workshops. Your manager is likely to interpret these behaviors positively and see you as an asset to the team rather than a threat.

4) Proactively defuse the power and status struggles. If your manager feels threatened by your stardom, they may become more aggressive in how they assert their power and influence during public meetings and in front of stakeholders. Understand that when your manager is showing power over you, it is likely coming from their own feeling of envy. To diffuse the source of that threat, the first thing to do is NOT reciprocate in the struggle for power and status. Instead, validate your boss by acknowledging their expertise and authority. Remind them that you value their support and the contributions they have made to your success.

You could say, “I understand where you are coming from and appreciate your expertise. In fact, I would love to get your advice on how to accomplish [this task]. Your knowledge and skills have helped me in the past, and I want to learn from you moving forward.” This can instill security and positive efficacy, which will help prevent them from socially ostracizing you.

Don’t let your manager’s actions frustrate you. If your manager is trying to put you down, reacting in ways that hurt you, or crowding out your success, know that there are ways to manage their bad behavior and turn their rivalry into an allyship.