As a family grows, personal time starts to diminish considerably, until it becomes almost non-existent.

The constant fighting for more personal time.

Ever since I became a mother, I had to constantly negotiate for as little as one hour of personal time. It is so frustrating having to justify time for needs, as simple as making food, taking a shower, calling a friend, doing a workout, or showing up for work. There’s no surprise, thus, that many new parents end up in a very complicated place, to put it lightly.

I was not expecting this from him.

We discussed arrangements before-hand and we agreed that we will share the responsibilities with our son. Taking care of a baby, it’s not an easy job. For both parents, having another individual in their lives that takes so much space, time, and energy, it’s quite destabilizing. Still, I never had the option to ditch the responsibilities, while he did.

You would probably tell me to call it quits and leave him. The short version, it’s not that easy. The long version…oh well, how much time do you have?

If I’m in a good mood (i.e. rested, fed, and had a bit of time for myself), I can even be extremely understanding of his situation. I know he is afraid that life as he knew it, is gone. It’s difficult to navigate through the emotions of a new identity. I’ve been there, myself. You need time to adjust, I get it.

I also understand that people, in general, believe that the mother is the main caretaker for the baby during his first years of life. OK, but then who’s taking care of the mother? The dear God?! I had to “suck it up” and accept that that’s how it’s going to be from now on. You put yourself on hold while you grow that baby into a toddler and slowly regain a bit of time back.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t delusional.

I was expecting him to be less engaged than I was. After all, I signed up for the “right way” of parenting. I was the one that decided to put the effort into breastfeeding, instead of taking turns preparing the bottle and feeding him, day in, day out. I was the one who didn’t even dare to take breaks longer than an hour.

When I started my weight-loss journey, I couldn’t even dream of asking my husband to support me; I asked my family to help me. Why? Because I was primed not ask for help.

One evening, while in the kitchen, wanting to cook a warm meal he told me that I should do it after I put our son to sleep. In fact, anything I wanted to do for myself, should have only been done after I checked off my mother duties. Knowing his reaction to my requests for help, I refrained from asking it. I hated giving endless explanations for as little as one-hour personal time off.

But this is not to say that he hasn’t done anything.

He did. Yet, would have preferred sometimes to trade the chores he did for taking a break from caretaking. In hindsight, I don’t even feel guilty for wanting time away from the baby. It’s a healthy break that balances a woman to be able to function as a good mother, in the long term.

But for me, it wasn’t easy. Each time I needed to take time away, I had to play the scenario beforehand in my head. I had to be prepared to bring in the right arguments for him to agree that I really needed this time off. He always made it about him, having to back me up, supervising our son. Look, I didn’t even ask him to feed or put the baby and later on, the toddler, to sleep. The only thing I asked him to do during my time off was to work on their father-son relationship building. But my husband’s attachment style is avoidant.

Whenever he smells neediness, he’s out. Provided the circumstances, both our son and I needed him, without being able to offer too much, in return; my barrel was empty.

Why is not easy for me to leave, and you might relate.

1. For a really long time, my self-confidence was 0. I built it from the ground up with a lot of effort and perseverance; I am definitely years away from that insecure young woman I was when I met him. He was there to provide. And he did, but only from a material perspective, and far from acting as a so-called Sugar Daddy. As I slowly began to gain a bit of financial independence, my self-confidence increased too. I still have some self-doubt left that will be part of my identity forever — some sort of debris to remind me where I came from.
2. I can’t take our son away from him. He’s not violent. He loves his son, and I think he provides just as much as he can. In all honesty, even if sometimes I suspect him of pure laziness, he is in fact, unable to give more. He was raised as an entitled brat and since I never dared to change this perspective about himself, he was left like that for a long time. I’m now in the process to guide him towards giving more than expecting to receive without putting in his share.
3. I’m a problem solver. Not a fixer. Since we have a son together I want to know that I have exhausted all methods for making it work. I believe that the key to the solution is on me. We’ve been so long together that I know, by now, I can’t do anything to change him, without him agreeing to it. Yet, as I change, and impose boundaries, treat myself respectfully, and when needed, demand respect, I see some progress on his side, too. It is strange, I reckon to wake up one day with an entirely different person by your side, having no idea where she landed from. I do feel that I have structurally changed during the past few years, leading to the “you’re not the person I used to know”.

This is not an exhaustive list; some reasons make you weak while others, so, make you strong. Nonetheless, the takeaway is, if you’re in my situation, then you are the only one to judge your context. If you don’t feel that it’s time to go, then don’t. If / when the time will come, you’ll the first one to know it.

What I did in my me-time hour

He said that I had one hour when he left with our son to give me my well-deserved break. He did return later than one hour, leaving me enough time to relax as I intended.

The point is that he’s eventually starting to get used to the fact that I have matured and I’ll no longer accept any more of his asshole behavior. The key, though, is with us, ladies! Unleash your power!

Love,

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