From childhood, the notion of behaving in different ways around different people has been engrained. It becomes a form of Jekyll and Hyde — alternately displaying one “self” or another depending on your interactions. You’re supposed to be smart, intelligent, and on your A-game at work. You have to be patient, understanding, and the ideal role model in front of your kids. And you’re expected to be fun, enthusiastic, and carefree with your friends. In fact, society makes clear that being able to be all these different personalities is actually an admirable “skill.”  

But guess what? It’s not. Why? Because doing so takes no courage, only conformity. All you’re doing is playing a role.  

Instead, showing up in all aspects of your life completely confident and secure as your true self involves courage and conviction. It may mean going against the norms, or not always behaving like the conventional employee, parent, or friend. You may have to sit alone in your beliefs. But the alternative — behaving in a way that’s disjointed from who you are — creates innumerable challenges that can carry harmful repercussions.  

The truth is, whatever you may be struggling with professionally, socially, or personally is going to affect you unvaryingly regardless of the persona you project.   

Let me give you an example: In law school, I specialized in litigation. I lived and breathed and spoke litigation and was confident in the courtroom. In one case, I was about to make an ironclad argument, but while the opposing counsel was first making his argument, he locked gazes with me and started raising his voice, gesticulating, and appearing antagonistic. His demeanor triggered something deep within me, and my heart rate skyrocketed, I broke out in a sweat, and I began shaking uncontrollably.   

When it was my turn to speak, even though I had my counterargument down pat, I couldn’t get the words out. They were literally trapped inside me, unable to scale the insurmountable mountain of dread and fear.   

Failing to defend my client, the hearing was over quickly. It was the first time that I’d ever felt debilitated in my career. I’d let my client down as well as myself. That day opened my eyes that there was something deep at play within me from my past that I’d failed to address.  

The lesson I came to learn is that every aspect of life is interconnected. The same triggers will provoke a reaction regardless of whether it’s in our professional, social, or private life. What provoked my reaction that day was the opposing counsel’s replication of my father’s angry outbursts that often ended in physical violence when I was young, and the constant fear I lived with.   

In the end, you’re not several different selves. There’s only one true you. But aligning the different personas we’ve been taught to portray often requires a mindshift. It means being your authentic self at all times regardless of the situation.  

As you work to uncover and align your separate selves with who you are at your core, try these approaches:   

1. Define your values.
   Without knowing your values, you have no direction and no way of identifying what you stand for. In essence, you stand for nothing. I suggest putting pen to paper and writing down your values. This doesn’t mean listing the religious or cultural or family-dictated values you’ve been taught. These must ring true for you.  
2. Take charge.
   Don’t wait for a better tomorrow to magically happen or for others to take control or show you the way. Your life is all on you. Be proactive. Seize control, take action, set goals — and take charge! This can mean establishing goals and tracking your progress. It can mean working on self-improvement or pursuing a passion you’ve always intended to explore. The thing about achieving personal goals is that you start to feel better about yourself. You become more positive, energetic, and empowered to make meaningful strides in your life. 
3. Adopt a routine.
   Whatever a good routine looks like for you is what you should adopt — hitting the gym, meditation, journaling, and so on. Without routine, all you’re doing day in/day out is reacting to your day as it comes at you, with little control over the things that are in your power: your mind and body.  

Don’t fall into the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. Your private life should be a reflection of who you are in your professional life and vice versa. When your external self reflects your internal self and your internal self reflects your external self, that’s where you find true success, happiness, satisfaction, and contentment. 

Written by Shuaib Ahmed.
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