The Onion: Where are you from?

Santos: Today’s Wednesday, so I’m from Queens.

The Onion: Do you feel any remorse at all for lying to your constituents?

Santos: Feel?

The Onion: What made you run for Congress?

Santos: Being elected to Congress is one of the highest honors any pathological liar can receive.

The Onion: How does it feel to be the most despised junior congressman in the U.S. House of Representatives?

Santos: Oh, don’t flatter me, that doesn’t give nearly enough credit to all the other pathological liars like Matt Gaetz, Dan Crenshaw, and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

The Onion: Why did you step down from your House committee positions?

Santos: Well, when you’ve worked in Congress for as many years as I have, you know when it’s time for a changing of the guard.

The Onion: What is your net worth?

Santos: $5 billion or $5,000, depending on the context.

The Onion: What is your relationship like with Kevin McCarthy?

Santos: He told me he’d continue to prop up my sham position in office so long as I keep distracting the media from all the insane fucked-up shit he does behind the scenes. So, no different from any other congressman, really.

The Onion: Why do you even want to be in Congress?

Santos: There aren’t many places where someone who has literally no skills can earn a paycheck.

The Onion: Have you ever worn blackface?

Santos: Look, I’m as surprised as you are, but no, not yet.

The Onion: Who’s the best liar in Congress?

Santos: Tie between me, Abigail Spanberger, and Chip Roy. Christ, what a bunch of assholes we are.

The Onion: Is it strange that the media is fixating on the lies you told about your background, which, while definitely unethical, are sort of beside the point considering that you’re joining a legislative body that routinely authorizes the suffering and immiseration of the American people, and that you’ve expressly campaigned on the kinds of policies that will negatively impact millions of people?

Santos: Yes, but ultimately it is easier—both for the media, which dislikes nuance and highlighting systemic issues, and for the American public, which would prefer to ignore the rot at the heart of the American experiment—to focus on, say, whether I lied about being a drag queen that it is to contemplate the immoral policies that sail through Congress with bipartisan support.

The Onion: Are you a Yankees fan or a Mets fan?

Santos: A Mets fan? Baby, I was on the Mets!

The Onion: Do you think the morons who were suckered into voting for you should have to live with their asinine decision for the next two years?

Santos: You know, I hadn’t thought about it that way before. You’re right!

The Onion: What’s your favorite Torah verse?

Santos: Probably the one that goes “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie / That’s amore / When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine / That’s amore.”

The Onion: What’s your favorite lie you’ve ever told?

Santos: I can’t answer that. If I did, I’d be lying! [Ed note: At this point, Rep. Santos winked at our reporter and then vanished into thin air.]