What's the most destructive relationship patterns, according to this famous psyc...
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What’s the most destructive relationship patterns, according to this famous psychologist?
A-list celebs and billionaires go to him with their relationship challenges.
Here’s the most destructive pattern he identified (and how to protect against it):
For nearly 50 years, he’s studied the science of relationships.
These patterns predicted the end of the relationship.
They were called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
The most predictive of them all was Contempt.
I studied with Gottman and have seen the brutal consequences of contempt in personal relationships and across 100s of company cultures.
Gottman called Contempt: “Sulfuric Acid for Connection”
Contempt sounds like criticism with a crucial difference.
Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over the other.
Someone feeling Contempt feels BETTER than the other.
Expressing negativity combined with superiority drives the relationship apart.
Emotions show up as sensations in our bodies.
Studies show emotional sensations have common signatures across cultures.
Contempt often feels like intense heat inside the chest and head area.
Some feel heat and tension in their hands as well.
Instead:
-exit the conversation
-let your body reset
-pick up the discussion later from a more calm place
Gottman’s research showed that the most common behavior associated with Contempt was:
THE EYE ROLL
“You’re overworked? Cry me a river. I’ve been dealing with all the most important strategic priorities. I don’t have time to deal with your issues.”
He identified a practice you can follow to insulate your partnerships and teams from Contempt.
-Remind yourself of your partner’s or colleagues’ positive qualities.
-Find and express gratitude regularly to them.
Sharing your appreciation for the great things about them insulates against Contempt.
1. Understand the powerful destructive force that is Contempt
2. Learn where to feel it in yourself and how to spot it in others (eye roll)
3. Practice gratitude – create a culture of appreciation in your partnerships to insulate against contempt
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