Mortifying conversations with authors

Did these really happen? I’m not saying.

What kind of work do you do?
I’m an author.
What’s your day job?
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What do you do?
I’m an author.
Really. Wow. Do you know Stephen King?
No.
Malcolm Gladwell! Do you know Malcolm Gladwell?
We both presented to the same group once.
What’s he like?
Skinny. Glib.
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What’s your job?
I’m an author.
Do you write fiction?
Not on purpose.
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What work do you do?
I’m a writer.
Have you been published anywhere I’ve heard of?
The Boston Globe, Harvard Business Review.
Well, la-di-dah!
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What kind of books do you write?
Business books.
What. Like textbooks for business school?
No. Books for businesspeople.
Like how to do accounting, stuff like that?
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You write books? Wow. Could you introduce me to your publisher?
Maybe. What kind of books do you write?
I’ve written a children’s book.
I don’t think it would help you. My publisher only publishes business books.
Well, you don’t have to be snotty about it.
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Would I know any of your books?
I don’t know. My latest book was called Writing Without Bullshit.
Ha! Good luck with that.
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What do you do for work?
I’m an author.
Nobody reads books any more. Must be tough.
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What books did you write?
I’ve written several. I wrote a bestseller about social media called Groundswell a few years back.
I know that book! Who wrote that?
I did. My coauthor was Charlene Li.
No, really. Who wrote that?
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What do you do?
I write books.
Does that pay well?
I make a good living. I also coach other authors on how to be successful.
Smart. Gullible clients, right?
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What do you do?
I’m an author.
What about your wife. She must have a job, right?
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What kind of writing do you do?
Books about business strategy. I also ghost write.
Really? Horror books! Wow, cool.
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What do you do?
I’m a writer.
I am, too.
Really.
Yes. I started this novel when I was 19. I wrote three pages. I really should get back to that.
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You write books for a living? Do you go to an office?
I work out of my home.
Sounds lonely.
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If you’ve had conversations like this, feel free to share them in the comments.