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Psychologists tell us we’re social animals, and therefore solid social connections are vital to mental well-being and happiness, even good physical health. Loneliness is unhealthy, they say. No argument here. There’s a lot of solid science on all this.

But what about those of us who really just like being alone much of the time? Is that unhealthy? Are we doomed to a life of mental misery and poor health?

I don’t think so. And here’s why: There’s a huge difference between loneliness and solitude:

• Loneliness is a negative feeling, a sadness characterized by a sense of isolation, real or perceived.
• Solitude, on the other hand, is a physical and temporal situation, one that can be undesirable for some, but for others is highly sought as a preference for some marvelous me-time.

Going it alone

I crave solitude. Especially when I’m around a lot of people. In fact, my loneliest moments often come when I’m around others but feel on the outskirts of their social circle. While I can be comfortable in a small group or even a mass gathering for a stretch, ultimately I just love being alone, sometimes to simply sit and do nothing.

I’m not suggesting it’s the best way to go through life. Seeking solitude has definitely closed some doors. I’m a lousy networker, a joiner of very few in-person or online groups, and not always the greatest friend. But I thrive on my alone time and have since I was young. I recognize the trade-offs and work to balance them so that I’m content and productive, even happy, while maintaining my most treasured relationships without being a completely aloof, cold-hearted jerk.

Sure, socializing is great. But in the extreme, there’s potential for a dark side to socializing.

Not to overemphasize the point, but intense social connections can lead to tribalism and ostracism, as group members discriminate against outsiders, create rumors, and even undertake hostile behavior and vigilantism, researchers concluded in a recent review of psychological research, published in the journal Nature Humanities and Social Sciences Communications. Not that such things ever happen in this country.

Back to the point:

I’m lucky that my wife loves solitude, too. We’ve gotten pretty good at being alone together. But we often ask each other: Is there something wrong with us or, as I’ve come to believe, are we just two reasonably happy people at one end of a normal spectrum of human sociability?

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There’s not much modern research into what drives a love of solitude, nor the potential plusses or minuses of flying solo through much of life. That’s the case in part because modern life has torn family and social ties asunder, fueling loneliness and depression among many people, and it’s important to recognize and study that real and serious crisis. But even in some well-meaning scientific studies, solitude can be confused with loneliness or shyness, says Margarita Azmitia, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz.

Azmitia’s research found that if kids or young adults seek solitude because of social anxiety or awkwardness, it can be a risk factor for loneliness and depression. But if they choose solitude just as a preference, there’s nothing to worry about.

“Solitude has gotten a lot of bad press, especially for adolescents who get labeled as social misfits or lonely,” she said. “Sometimes, solitude is good. Developmentally, learning to be alone is a skill, and it can be refreshing and restorative.”

I’m going to run with that: Solitude is a skill.

Why we like or dislike solitude

OK, so what makes one person seek and enjoy solitude, while another finds it lonely and depressing? And can a person change their appreciation of alone time?

Those are tricky questions. A 2016 study linked high intelligence to a hankering for solitude. “More intelligent individuals experience lower life satisfaction with more frequent socialization with friends,” researchers concluded in the British Journal of Psychology.

But there’s not enough research on this possibility to draw any firm conclusion, especially among us normal folks who don’t fall into the category of lonely genius.

Whether a person loves being alone or not is related to several factors, including core personality, how they view the whole notion of solitude, and whether they use alone-time meaningfully.

Research on college students finds that those with more social connections enjoy solitude more. But a 2019 study also found that new college students who value their solitude enjoy greater well-being even if they don’t have a lot of social connections.

“Approaching solitude for its enjoyment and intrinsic values is linked to psychological health, especially for those who don’t feel as if they belong to their social groups,” says study team member Thuy-vy Nguyen, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Durham University in England. “These findings highlight the importance of cultivating the ability to enjoy and value solitary time as a meaningful experience, rather than trying to disregard it, or escape from it.”

Further research by Nguyen and her colleagues, published earlier this year, indicates that individuals most likely to seek and value solitude are not introverts. Rather, they rank high in “dispositional autonomy,” defined by three tendencies:

• Being the person they actually want to be
• Being resistant to pressure from other people
• Being interested in exploring their own experiences and emotions

Dismiss the stigma

Social media has made it seem like everyone is connected to everyone. Even though that’s merely a virtual illusion, it adds to the stigma of solitude as a psychological problem.

Nguyen says she wishes she’d understood her ultimate research conclusions back when she started college. Her hindsight offers a lesson for anyone who worries if their desire to be alone is healthy, or who hasn’t figured out how to take advantage of time alone.

“Solitude is a personal experience for everyone, so it is a time for you to take if you want, and just explore different ways to make it a meaningful and enjoyable experience for you,” she says. “Being alone does not make you a loner.”

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