I cried when I got my first Covid vaccine. Not because of the pain, which I didn’t even notice and totally handled like a tough guy. I cried because geniuses worked insane hours to put an end to the pandemic, while I had written a story about Zoom shirts.

When I found out that people are testing sewage to detect Omicron in our feces, I didn’t cry. I did a lot of gagging. But, as they say, gagging is the crying of the stomach. I gagged out of gratitude that geniuses discovered an accurate, faster method of measuring viral spread. After all, even those who don’t get Covid tests go to the bathroom. Though I’m guessing that when they learn about this sewage testing program, a sizable group will fight for their freedom from poop surveillance. If you thought spitting on an Uber driver to protest mask requirements was unpleasant, prepare for something far worse.

Hunting through poop for a contagious deadly disease seemed like something we should be opening our windows and applauding for. Or perhaps closing windows to keep the odors away and applauding extra loudly to make up for it.

Since we weren’t doing either, I offered to give my thanks in person. The Los Angeles County Sanitation Districts, however, thought it was safer if I did my thanking remotely. I don’t know what they thought I would do in person that could be worse than pooping on them, but I put on my Zoom shirt and a smile.

I got to thank Karla Ellison, the supervising scientist for the process control group at the largest wastewater treatment plan in Los Angeles. She’s got a degree in biochemistry from UCLA and a master’s in environmental science from Loyola Marymount University, which was a lot more education than I expected for the job as I understood it.

Ellison appreciated my appreciation but told me that sewage inspection is done every day anyway, as part of the treatment plant’s many inspections. They just added a test for Omicron onto their list. When I asked if collecting samples was as awful as it sounds, Ellison had a quick, cheerful answer. “It’s pretty gross. It’s raw effluent coming from the sewers. It’s not for everyone,” she said. This, oddly, is the exact same description for jobs at Twitter.

The 12 lab technicians Ellison oversees wear latex gloves, masks, goggles, lab coats, and fume hoods. They also, to my surprise, wear hard hats, which goes to show how different all of our poops are.

To my relief, the technicians don’t have to wade into a pond of sewage with a bucket and a keen eye for spike-shaped proteins. Instead, a machine drops tubing into the effluent grit channel, also known as a “poop stream” by me, and draws up a sample, which the technician then sends to the backend of the plant, which is a real phrase they really use.

I asked Ellison if anyone before me had thanked her for the Covid-detection work, and she explained that most people don’t even know what happens to sewage after they flush. I found that strange, since the three services I’m most appreciative of are electricity, running water, and sewers, and one of my greatest joys is employing all three simultaneously with my Toto washlet bidet toilet seat. I did not tell her all of this.

Instead, I sent her team of 12 lab technicians a dozen donuts from Randy’s. I included an earnest note, fighting my desire to write the poem my lovely wife Cassandra suggested, “Thank you for the work you do/ I love it when you test my poo.” And I hoped they ate it in an area far from their work.

Should you send a dozen donuts to your Covid poo checkers? That’s not for me to say. But I will say that perhaps now more than ever, it’s important to remember we’re all connected as a society, through our work, our diseases, and, especially, our feces.

Joel Stein is the senior distinguished visiting fellow at the Joel Stein Institute. A former columnist for Time, the L.A. Times and Entertainment Weekly, he is, amazingly, also the author of In Defense of Elitism: Why I’m Better Than You and You’re Better Than Someone Who Didn’t Buy This Book and Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity. Follow him on Twitter,Facebook, Instagram, Friendster, or Google+.