Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on:

1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marathon now.

2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out.

3. Invest in experiences. Go travelling, do new things and learn new stuff completely away from your usual area of expertise and comfort. So I’m usually desk bound in the middle of the city but a few weeks back I’m standing on a mountain in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of winter doing celestial navigation course. It was amazing.

All positive, fulfilling experiences in life I have found require putting yourself in unusual and uncomfortable positions. Life where there is no normal but it’s not bad abnormal is where the fun is. Doing those things together with other people is where you make meaningful lasting friends and relationships too.

My father died when he was 59 and had lifestyle-limiting illnesses for the last decade of his life. Bearing this in mind, I went down to a three-day working week aged 56 and then fully retired two years later. I’ve looked after my health but six months ago had an unpredicted episode of Ventricular Fibrillation for genetic rather than lifestyle reasons. I was fitted with an ICD and quickly got back to my physical health but under UK law had to surrender my driving license and I’m now stuck waiting for my application for a new one to work through our bureaucracy.

On balance I wish I’d fully retired slightly earlier.

Coming back to other points that are made here, I found in my last few years at work that the technology was ‘same-old same-old’ and that I found working with talented youngsters (sometimes as a formal mentor) the most rewarding part of my job. Perhaps I was just lucky, but I helped four younger people to go past me on the corporate ladder, and in turn they all looked out for me later on. I was also able to work in an environment where I was viewed as a principal customer-facing techie, rather than having to remain totally corporate. This in fact reduced my career-development options (as I was out on site with the customers rather than being highly visible to my bosses) but I viewed this as a positive.

I was lucky to make new intimate friends as well around that time, which also really helps feeling connected. Exercise you just do, but for friendship you need some luck.

About material realizations please remind that the average successful enterpreneur age is about 45. I only started being able to save serious, retirement-style money when I've got 40.

What I do - My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio (hike, cycle, swim if summer) and every other day 4 sets of 20 chin ups or 4 sets of 20 triceps dips for strength. Cardio takes time, strength does not as I have bars right close to my computer in my office.

Sure, one day it will all go downhill and I'll croak but for now I enjoy the life just as well as when I was 20.

My life has picked up so much momentum after that.

A failed relationship left a hole in my heart and existence. A failed business also sucked—but much less) Health is the first foot forward.

And sports with people is probably the best way to go! (OP you have the cash for a trainer. Do it!)

I would add reading. That has helped me a lot to calm down.

Re health: I recently discovered a great blog with in-depth articles about how to lose weight: https://physiqonomics.com

PS: Don't get distracted by the seemingly arrogant profile picture. His content is really good.

It has to do with whether hanging out with others drains or fill you with energy, mentally.

I love hanging out with people, it fills me with joy, and I'm great at talking with people, I'm good at cracking jokes that causes a group to laugh, I can hold speeches just fine, or perform in front of a group. But once I'm done, I'm exhausted, it's like holding my breath, I need to come up for air and be alone, even if I enjoy being with other people.

Humans are not meant to go through the world alone and modern life can be incredibly isolating. It takes effort to build social connection but it is well worth it.

If you feel this way, please try to see it as "telling somebody with depression to pick the activity that seems less painful to do and go do it".

It is possible for that depressed person to not be able to do it yet. However, unlike your 'cheer up' example, this is actionable advise that is very likely to (slowly) help lead that person out of the depression if they manage to do it.

I'm an introvert and it works like that for me. I hardly ever feel like socializing. It drains me when I do it. Yet I still enjoy it when I'm doing it and it has a positive effect on my mental state (up to a point, of course).

The key is to find the right balance, and to be aware that there's some "training" to it: the less you do it the harder it gets. Don't give up though because then your mental health may suffer.

Introvert does not mean asocial or antisocial. Social connections are a fundamental part of every human's mental health. Maybe some disorders might change this up, but being an introvert is not that.

That's typical behavior you see on social media Twitter. People say something reasonable, but then someone replies "how wrong!! this does not apply in edge case XYZ!", yeah, obviously. Just ignore it if you believe it doesn't apply to you.

I've been guilty of this in the past regarding sleep. "I don't need more than 6 hours of sleep per night" I kept telling myself and others, and I ran on that schedule for decades. When I started forcing myself to sleep more, I started to feel even better, and now I'm hovering around 8 hours per night and feel so much better. I didn't even realize I could feel better by doing something I didn't think was necessary, but it did improve me.

I've also done this related to relationships, where I found myself fine with being by myself for long stretches of time. I didn't really see any problems, and when people told me I have to see other people, I also used the "maybe I'm not "normal" and don't need it like others?" argument, which is what I told myself too. I didn't feel bad, but started seeking out more relationships anyways, and got so many benefits and became happier because of it, that I can't go back to being all alone again.

I'm not saying this applies to you, but maybe it applies to others who read. It's easy to get into the trap of lying to yourself (I'm guilty of it multiple times), with all kinds of reasons. If you can see past that, you can become happier, even if you're not miserable right now.

ONLY $500K in savings at 35. Such a sad story. So sorry for you, as most people are lucky to have saved $50K at 35 or even 55! Money has no meaning if you are feeling lost with $500K.

Seriously though, my advice would be stop comparing yourself to others. Older or younger, married or single, successful or not, fit or fat. Know thyself. Go on a meditation retreat. You have nothing to lose and no limitations.

As others have wisely stated, health is paramount. Challenge yourself with a physical activity you’ve never done before. You’ll meet new people on the way.

Rethink work. List causes you truly believe in, then find an organization which aligns with one and apply for a job in your specialty to expand their reach. Work with purpose even if it’s only a year. Consider is a sabbatical if you need to frame it in a non committal way.

This person is doing very, very well and I suspect "I only have half a million dollars sitting idly by" is a humble-brag as that is obviously a lot of money.

Also 35 isnt 55. This is the prime age for most business people, artists, writers, etc.

I think this post says a lot about the demographic here who lean towards worshipping money to the point where having half a million is being "unsuccessful" and being merely 35 is being "old." Capitalism does a great job of making people feel bad about themselves because they arent mega millionaires and commercial media sells images of youth because promoting anti aging things like makeup, drugs, surgeries, fitness, etc is so profitable. Hiring managers also discriminate on age because working young and naive people like dogs and leading them to burn out is "good business sense," while dealing with an older person who knows this con and understands class struggle and the dishonesty of management and the perverse incentive profit demands is "bad business."

My advice is that forums are a very, very poor place to get therapy. Go see a professional if you feel depressed. Forums like these are just echo chambers full of people with similar unresolved issues or with coping mechanisms that aren't healthy. No "fitness" isn't it, maybe its part of it, but there's a lot more a human being needs who has lost their way in an ultra capitalist and competitive society. Part of it is seeing the forest for the trees and a professional can help them get the rational self-awareness they seem to lack, as well as address their emotional issues.

The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see.

The worst thing you can do is pine for the good old days. They aren't coming back. And they weren't that good anyway. Your best times are ahead if you can successfully adjust.

What worked for me was putting down roots. I resisted it mightily at first because I wanted to stay mentally 25 forever. Now I see that getting married and having a couple of kids was the right thing to do. It forced me to become more flexible, more deliberate, more focused and have more stamina to do hard things

I'm a loner by nature, so I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't settled down. I just know it wouldn't be as good.

Once you've got those roots down, life will lead you to what you should do next. Maybe being a full time parent, maybe learning to sail, maybe more successful entrepreneurship. Who knows...

EDIT: I don't mean to imply that everyone needs a family. What's important is to start living for others to some degree. Hedonism has famously bad diminishing returns.

Some people choose to do lots of volunteering or switch careers to social work. There's lots of options.

I'm 68 and this is self-limiting B.S.

In the last few years I have seen many things I never saw before, and never imagined.

Ironically, when I was about 30, I was in a similar position and complained to my dad that there was nothing new under the sun, everything is just a rehash of what has come before.

He laughed at me, and threw me out of the house.

A quote from a novel has always been an inspiration since I read it in high school - "An artist must leave a body of work" from The Agony And The Ecstasy, about Michelangelo. If your programming no longer excites you, learn something new in programming, or even learn something that isn't programming and do that. It's not easy, and might cost you money, but wasting your life doing something you no longer care about is not worth it.

Of course some people can deal with a terrible job, and just spend the non-working time doing what they love, and that's OK if you can deal with it. I could never do that; I didn't turn to art until the last few years.

It’s not that you can’t find novel things any more if you go looking for them, but most everyday things hold no more (or less) excitement.

I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for whom everything is fascinating. He’ll find out that sticking a bowl upside down in the water and turning it face up will make a lot of bubbles and he’s tremendously excited. I’m excited to see him being excited (which is novel’ish), but the fact that bubbles appear is incredibly mundane now.

At 44 I have the opposite problem. The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. When I was younger I had the ego of a young person and thought I was always on the cusp of knowing it all. As I got older I realized I was simply unaware. It's a bit cliché, but I started approaching everything, even things I 'knew' with a beginners mindset.

One of activities that really helped trigger this shift was finding something brand new to me at ~40 that I also became passionate about. In my case it was jiu-jitsu, but it can be anything where you're drinking from the firehose again. That mindset spread through everything else in my life.

This rings truer to me than anything else posted here. I feel exactly the same way right now, (in my late thirties) as if I suddenly realize I spent my life going deep rather than broad and that there’s a whole world of opportunities out there to be a beginner again, with the same enthusiasm as a much younger person (but now with resources!). The struggle of trying new things has completely changed my outlook.

My advice: try things you thought looked interesting but never thought you’d be good at.

Now that I have time, I find an incredible wealth of knowledge and insight about early human history has been developed. I feel like a dim area of my understanding is being illuminated, like exploring a dark attic with a bright flashlight, it is very satisfying, and particularly when pieces fall into place and I have an "aha! so that is what that was all about" moment, it is exciting as well.

A single square inch of lawn could provide material for multiple PhDs.

Only if you stop exploring. When you think there's nothing new left to learn, nothing novel to experience, well, you stop looking. Start looking again.

> I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for whom everything is fascinating.

Spending time with kids is the best way there is to rediscover your sense of wonder.

Not OP but I don’t feel this way at all.

My oldest son is starting college next year. That alone has been a learning experience! I coach his robotics team, that has been tremendously new experiences.

I’ve gotten three cloud certifications in the past year. I have a huge list of things I want to learn about - assembly language on Linux, FPGAs and about 20 other things.

I could spend 10,000 lifetimes and not scratch the surface of what this world has to offer.

Despite the pleas in responses to continue to explore and experience new things, it seems to me that the experience of being surprised at new things becomes rarer as one ages, with exploration yielding diminishing returns with respect solely to that experience.

Maybe you can fall so deeply into it that you can’t even tell you’re in a rut any more and just think that that’s how the world is, which is a puzzling perspective to those outside of the rut because the complexity and novelty of the world really is literally everywhere.

Not that endless novelty seeking is the be all end all, but it’s there if you want it.

I can use the same example though! Seeing each of my children born left an immense imprint on me. Seeing them experience basic physics for the first time was as novel of an experience for me as experiencing it myself many years earlier.

There are infinite novel experiences awaiting you if you want to seek them.

Absent that, my life was one long drawn-out example of “fear of missing out” and I flitted from thing to thing, place to place.

Just make sure you marry above your station, emotionally.

This is one of the most pithy bits of marital advice I’ve ever read, but easier said than done! Emotional maturity seems to exhibit a very pronounced Dunning-Kruger effect. Also, people continue to mature emotionally in adulthood and this can occur at very different rates.

Just as a vivid example, recovery from addiction/alcoholism can often create rapid changes in emotional maturity.

I'm the same way, and spent many years of my twenties living a very lonely existence. Getting a family was the best decision I ever made. I'm absolutely certain I'd be in a miserable place otherwise.

Plenty of things to see and do after 35. New friends, new activities, new music to listen, new places to go. Don't self limit yourself.

You're not too old to have a social life... that happens once you're in a nursing home, and have worn out the good will of the staff. Up until that point, there are always new friendships and relationships to be had.

Going out to parties and drinking until morning is a lot harder on you than it was, that's a normal part of growing up. There are plenty of other things to do that are far more rewarding if you give yourself time to grow into them (and Covid rules don't prohibit them)

If you need a hobby, I suggest machining. Challenge yourself to make 1000 of some everyday hardware store item, like a 1/4" 10-24 x 2" screw, Flat head. You'll learn a lot of interesting history, and grow to appreciate the supply chain, along the way.

Note: Outside of the US, maybe some M8 Torx screws instead? You'll learn about Rotary Broaching, or cold heading, along the way.

That's a great hobby, but instead of screws i made some small steam-engines, it's not too hard and it's absolutely fascinating if they start working ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp8FMqgc5Io

Not my content...

"Here lies isoprophlex. An insufferable hothead, like his miniature steam engines."

Yeah and maybe buy the pressure-tank (with over-pressure valve) or just use pressured air.

And if the machine itself blows up...even more fun to repair and improve it.

Don’t worry. It gets better. This is all part of the process of life.

My recommendation is that you read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I’m 52 here. I was a prolific programmer in my 20s. A go-go marketer in my 30s. For the last 10 years, I’ve run a business that I love with two partners who have taken advantage of me at every turn. The last two years neither has worked and yet they get paid.

Do I feel lost or depressed? Absolutely not.

I love life. I have an amazing family to whom I am utterly devoted. I volunteer for stuff. I do cool things every day. If I feel bored, I make things with my hands or engage in other creative pursuits. I focus on the moment and others more than anything else and all the rest just goes away.

How is this possible? I’ve filled my life with reasons to live.

In fact, I have so many now that there is no room for worry about what I have and haven’t done. And in doing so, I realize that none of that matters anyway.

My mom died at 52 after taking a header down a flight of stairs. My grandfather died at 56 after getting stabbed in the belly by my grandmother (she was psychotic).

Our naked existence is laughable. Everything can be lost in an instant.

Dive into the why and you can deal with any how.

The state of my partnership might be crap, but the worst day I’ve ever had working for myself is still better than the best day I had working for someone else.

1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of your life. So finding that person will keep you occupied for 2-5 years.

2.) Get kids. Having never imagined to be a father and now having three kids, I have to admit I always feel sorry for people who don't have kids. I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but certainly floats my boat. I got my "finding meaning in life" completely covered by getting those three buggers into a good position for their life. That will keep me busy for the next 15 years.

3.) Don't take your job too seriously. There is Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and Henry Ford but for 99.99% percent of the people here on HN (me and presumably you included) what you do in your work life will not really matter for generations to come. It pays the bills, it should be interesting enough not to bore you to death, you should have colleagues that are in their majority "friend material". That's it.

I always imagine my live as a pizza with three slices: personal (some sport, watching movies with friends, reading books, etc.), family and work. Ideally, each one should be about a third of the pizza, ie. have a third of your attention and time. There are times when this is not possible but it should be the state you are striving towards.

In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, all the way down, forever.

It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.

I understand the sentiment here, and prior to having children of my own, I would have agreed with you. But having kids brings tremendous meaning to one's life in a way that is difficult to explain - it has to be experienced. What you see as an infinite recursion, i.e.:

have children and find meaning --> your children find meaning from their children --> etc., etc. etc.

Being part of the ongoing chain of humanity, there's something beautiful about that lack of an endgame, just being a part of something and then passing the torch.

What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? Should I feel sorry for people who do not want to travel (or can't because they have kids ;) )?

I agree with 3) though that a job should be just a means to the end.

It's not painting childless folks as having a condition, it's more kindhearted than that. It's saying, "Here's this thing that's incredibly difficult but infinitely rewarding. I care about you so I want you to experience it too".

Take a look at the current "feminism" movement that aims to empower women to be equal to men in the job market. What has happened in the West is that women are realising by the age of 40 they have a great job, but no kids or long term relationship to speak of. Instead they have surrounded themselves with cats :(

(not saying all Feminism is bad - it's done a lot of good in other aspects)

If a woman has a career the government can tax their earnings and somebody like Jeff Bezos has the value of their stock holdings increase by some multiple of the earnings created. Contrast that to unpaid domestic work which doesn’t contribute to either but does contribute to the welfare of the family.

Manicur Olson points out that large groups (50% of the population) have the most difficult time organizing on their own behalf, whereas small special interest groups that are more concentrated are much more effective at getting what they want. The most effective social movements have both an elite and mass component.

So do I. Unfortunately I don't have any and most likely never will (the wife can't). Combined with an unfulfilling job, this makes most days quite pointless and hard to bear.

Personally I try to distract myself, not think too much about these things and just wait for it all to be over.

We the HN readers are generally some of the luckiest people in the world because we were born smart enough to be able to work in a profession that is generally very well paid. If OP has $500k he is in fact probably among top 1% of the richest people on this planet.. If you're less lucky and work as a truck driver somewhere in poor country, then life is extremely hard...

I would agree with you on one thing: no matter what your conditions are, you can e.g. go out and start picking up trash and cleaning up your neighborhood. I am sure it is meaningful, someone will appreciate it sooner or later, someone might even join and help. And if not, at least you have cleaner neighborhood.

Once someone leaves a company, their work generally fades into oblivion. Almost immediately, too.

Are you around 25? I used to feel as you do. But at 34, I'm with OP.

Companies literally don't care whether you die. Why would you pour your heart and soul into something so soulless?

When I felt as you did, it ended up causing interpersonal conflicts when my vision of "good" didn't match my coworkers'. If you pour your heart and soul into something, and then everyone disagrees that it's good, then empirically you were a net negative for the team. Strike two for soulpouring.

I understand you might want to remain anonymous, but it's also telling that you didn't link to any examples of the work that you're proud of.

My point is, try not to judge others for not feeling as you do. Empathy is a difficult art, but it's worthwhile. It wasn't till I was diagnosed with narcolepsy that most of my work history made sense in hindsight -- zero companies were tolerant to missed meetings, with the thankful exception of my current role. (I wrote about my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150)

And no matter how much you care about your work, I bet you don't pour your heart and soul into meetings. So it always felt like the world cared about things I didn't, which in turn made me stop caring beyond professionalism.

But professionalism has merit. Once I detached my ego, I was able to take orders well, and to execute someone else's vision well. "Tool" is another name for that sort of person. And although I don't enjoy being a tool, I'm well-compensated for it, and the counterparty and I both walk away happy.

But it doesn't matter, because one goofball VP doesn't shake my faith in myself and the meaningfulness of the work that myself and my colleagues are doing. You might have lost faith but that doesn't mean other people should too. The GP wasn't just musing about his own life. He very explicitly said you and came across as saying your life doesn't matter if work is the thing that matters to you, because your work will never matter unless you're Gates. I don't accept that and I won't empathize with that conclusion. Because it's demoralizing and insulting to everyone who's working hard. If his truth was accepted as everyone's truth, then could you imagine how unpleasant the world would be? The simple fact is that your family matters and your work matters too. Regardless of whatever misfortune or doom and gloom you may have encountered on your journey.

Consider an alternate universe where you were never allowed to feel like an all-star, because you were never able to show up for meetings on time, and people got progressively madder at you regardless of how much soul or effort you put in.

We’re probably two sides of the same coin. You got lucky at all your jobs, and I got unlucky. But it certainly made me think twice about thinking badly of people who get fired, regardless of official reasons.

(Your manager seemed to actually care about you on a personal level? That ~never happens.)

So do you know anyone from MS who played part except Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer? I would attribute the guy who invented C# and TypeScript a significant impact, however I don't even know his name without googleing it.

What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That deserves kudos.

Second, most everyone is recommending other self-interested pursuits and I don't think you'll find the best fulfillment there.

For me, the answer to "what's the point?" is: kids. After I pursued all of my self-interested goals (resulting in a mix of failure and success depending on who's keeping score) I had kids and realized none of that stuff I pursued really, truly mattered. I wish I'd had kids sooner, young children (I've got three) are an especially thorough ass-kicking for a 40+-year-old.

Having kids with a like-minded, selfless partner is literally the very best thing I've ever done. And it's the best thing I suspect you'll ever do if it comes to pass. As a friend of mine (who also had kids later in life) says, you have kids and you realize "oooohhhh, this is the whole point".

Where to go? For me, the answer came about from wondering what I was capable of becoming. You are not a programmer, or painter or duck or politician. You are capable of becoming anything - well almost. Art always made my heart sing, and while I am not a great artist, I now believe almost everyone can be at least a very good artist of some kind in some form. It is who we are - to sing or paint or write or whatever. And how can you find out if you are the Van Gogh of knitting unless you try?

And yes to the physical side of your being. If you have never done the equivalent of running 15 miles, or hiking up a mountain, or hiking a hundred miles then you just are not getting who you are. (Scaled of course to whatever is a "mountain" for you.) Go for it. [edit change year to room]

I have years of experience, not 1/5th your savings, have not traveled and now I am actually too old for "big company" to hire me. This is not said for you to fell for me, go feel good about yourself. It sounds like you did a lot. Figure out now what makes you _feel_ good inside and pursue that (you know, unless its spending all of your savings on vices). Time is running out? Come back here and say that twenty years from now. I think life was just starting for a lot of people when they hit 35.

Do they though? Everyone has their own demons to contend with and seemingly perfect lives frequently fall apart further down the road due to regrets and pent-up frustrations.

For me something snapped one day after age 35. I was relatively successful, married and I suddenly lost interest in my work or any kind of work. Even retired for 6-9 months, only to come out extremely bored - pledging that I would never ever take a retirement. It took me 3 more years to understand what was happening - I felt that at 38 too, and ideally it was still too early to experience a mid life crisis.

Some tips based on my experience:

1. Take very good care of your health. Regularly exercise (including at least some resistance training) and mostly healthy food. Measure health parameters. 2. Rule out any medical illness and/or deficiencies. Get a full body checkup done (including a detailed blood/urine tests). Do not cut corners here, but if not recommended, you could skip tests involving radiation. 3. For a month or two - take less stress (don't overperform or even try to overperform) and find periods of emptiness. After some time fill in those times with some activity that you love to do - doesn't matter how illogical it sounds. Let your intuition guide you. Make notes weekly. 4. On the work side, try to get into a management role. My situation was a little different, I was not an employee.

I do not know whether I am out of the woods(at early 40s), or just got used to the new reality. But I do feel quite better and may have made significant progress - only time will tell.

- $500k may seem not much for you. Guess you would have more if your start-ups took off or if you would just work in fang and save the money.

- The money doesn't really matter. Guess you would feel the same if you had a successful start-up running.

So to your question. I can really understand you. To be honest I don't have a solution for you, but guess money isn't part of it. I thin you would feel the same if you had $10m on your bank account. So it's more the social part. There are some obvious steps you could try to improve it, like dating for example.

You have wealth, a good set of skills, etc.

My advice is to work on yourself. Some basic rules:

1. Focus on personal growth - fitness, hobbies, health and goals (build self-esteem).

2. Find social groups - church, clubs, w.e. This helps foster relationships and a sense of community.

3. Build something. Could be a house, furniture, what have you.

Some basic, pretty universal truths:

We, as humans, seek a community. Whether people like to admit it or not, we want community, family, mates, and offspring. The majority of us need those things to feel fulfilled. We need support and we want to feel affection.

> Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams. Fine, if you have something that you’ve always dreamed of, like, in your heart, go for it! After all, it’s something to do with your time… chasing a dream. And if it’s a big enough one, it’ll take you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of your achievement, you’ll be almost dead so it won’t matter.

> I never really had one of these big dreams. And so I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals. Be micro-ambitious. Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you… you never know where you might end up. Just be aware that the next worthy pursuit will probably appear in your periphery. Which is why you should be careful of long-term dreams. If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.

Full video/transcript: https://www.timminchin.com/2013/09/25/occasional-address/

Stop moving around. Pick a place you like and make it your home. It's impossible to cultivate a mature social circle and a meaningful life if you keep remixing every few years. Feeling connected to where you live is powerful.

Date and make new friends. This will be easier if you're showing up for your new passion everyday and you stopped moving around so often. We're social animals and having friends and family you can count on is critical.

See a therapist. Your feelings are valid, but at some point you've lost context. You have what most people never will, but have forgotten how to appreciate it.

Stop drinking and doing drugs and start exercising. A healthy body and mind are a prerequisite to feeling "well". This gets more and more true the older you get.

Ditch social media. Stop listening to the news. Stop watching TV and movies. All these things have been shown to make people sad and feel the kinds of feelings you're feeling. Read more books and go be in the sun more.

Find a job that isn't always at a desk and involves collaborating with other people. Find a job that involves building things you find meaningful, especially if you can find one that involves working with your hands or involves using your communication skills. Your job is what you spend most of your time doing, and if that's meaningless the rest of your life is going to feel so.

None of these things are going to happen overnight, but a good life is built on small incremental changes happening consistently, one after the other. The best time to plan a tree was 20 years ago, the next best time is right now.

And so I live trying to being aware of each passing moment, and thinking about how I might better use the next moment. I have a personal web site on which I wrote down every major event in my life, and when I feel low I read that. I've achieved and done a lot. And I want to do a lot more. Mostly much more loving. In the both carnal and (obviously seperately) paternal senses.

I have hobbies I love - I did not pick one randomly because one should have a hobby, but because I truly love building those things. Creating something I recognise as beautiful is rewarding as f•••.

I also keep fit and healthy and take some pride in having lasted so many years without gaining weight other than muscle mass. I've done a variety of drugs, I've broken the law, and I'm ok with all of that because I think I've loved more people than I've hurt.

All these things... there's no meaning or other weird existential shit that comes of it. Other than being at peace with myself, my place in this fleeting existence, and enjoying as much of it as I can, while I can.

In parting, try sitting in a meeting and if there are women in the meeting, watch how men just talk right over them. And then interrupt those men, turn to the marginalised woman, and tell her you found her perspective interesting, and would she mind terribly repeating her thoughts. This is a probably hugely incoherent ramble about how I have learnt to actively try to get past what you describe. Some days are rough, most days amazing.

But I can't stop without pointing out the wonder of our existence. Universe itself is fascinating, on how it came to be, what it is, what it's going to be. The basic elements it's made of, lead to planets and sun. Life happened on at least one of these planets. With all its variety and process, life (or evolution) is fascinating in its own right. Somehow this process created intelligence which can observe and grow new super-powers (technology for both observation and affect) and gain some understanding of both universe and the process of life itself. This is not even scratching the surface of what we have achieved as a species.

I think life has no reason, apart from what we give it (or we derive from society). I think it partly comes down to creating a personal narrative of why life is worth living. My narrative is around all the different perspectives we can gain from it. In terms of opportunities, we have many. Internet and advances in science, and people talking about it, etc.

I just wish I didn't have to worry about money :)

1. Discover new things related to IT. For example I never programmed microcontrollers or dealt with electronics in general. I recently started to learn about it and it's exciting. My current aim is to build some fun machines for my home using STM32 and ARM assembly. Something like cat drinking bowl with small fountain and proximity sensor. Or crypto device to store my ssh keys. Or hand-held radio with everything build from scratch using modern crypto and stuff. I also bought 3D-printer and found that 3D-modeling is very exciting.

2. Discover new things not directly related to IT. Like building house, creating or repairing things in house and around, working with wood, welding, etc. That requires some money, for example I bought some land with old house in a remote village and visit it at summer, spending extremely quality time there, near nature. It's one of my retirement plans - to build a house and live there with remote work or investments.

3. I have wife, but if I would be alone, I definitely would think about yachting. It's possible to buy old yacht for $50k, spend another $50k to repair it and travel around the world, including ocean travels. That's my dream which is unlikely to ever come true, but who knows.

I never really cared about achieving anything. I got paid well enough, I build useful things for my country and that's good enough for me. I have $20k in savings right now, LoL, but that's fine, I live in poor country and that's enough for my lifestyle.

Some places I'd recommend looking for guidance/inspiration/support:

- Writers/speakers on topics relating to "the meaning crisis"; people like John Vervaeke, Iain McGilchrist, Rafia Morgan and Jonathan Pageau. There are some good video interviews with them and others on the Rebel Wisdom YouTube channel.

- Consider a men's group (assuming you're male; equivalent groups exist for women and other identity groups); I've been in a local chapter of Evryman for the past couple of years, and others I've known have been in The Mankind Project. These kinds of groups can be a great way to connect with other men who are seeking meaning and encouragement to achieve better life outcomes. I've seen some amazing transformations in the men I've known to go through these groups.

- Don't think you're "just depressed". While of course it's possible you could have a clinical condition, and it's worth exploring that and seeking treatment if need be, don't let people tell you that feeling lost in this world is merely a sign of depression. It can be a very healthy reaction to notice that the world is pretty messed up and to feel that there must be a way to find a more fulfilling life path.

Also, feel free to contact me (email address in profile). I'm thinking about starting a new kind of community for people who are looking to heal and grow.

All the best to you.

That’s health and socialising covered. Which is most of happiness.

Oh and deal with any underlying trauma with a talking therapy and some kind of somatic therapy.

Great job and well compensated for it. Great economy, own my own place.

Have adult child that has moved out and is doing well. On paper, I am doing extremely well.

Inside, I wake up every morning really sorry I am still alive.

This pointless lonely hellhole existence is statistically going to go on for another 30 maybe 40 years until finally it ends.

Another horrible tinder date and I might just off myself.

I am female btw.

On the longer timeline, do retirement, grand kids, spending your saved up money on things you find interesting then excite you?

Not that I have an alternative, just... really negative on Tinder.

Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny minority of people achieve anything really significant, and even then those significant achievements often only touch a small minority of the world. It helps to bear in mind that about 99.9999% of the worlds population have no awareness of your existence.

The problem with trying to achieve something awesome is that either you never manage it; in which case you are left permanently unfulfilled and with a sense of failure; or you do achieve it, in which case: what then? You are suddenly left having to find another goal.

I think it is better to just find small ways to enjoy your life and work as much as you need to support those interests.

I am 51 and I still go to see bands at pubs regularly. I know people in their 30s right through to their 70s who are still going out watching rock bands. Hell, I know a couple guys who play in bands and their mum, who has just turned 90, still goes out to see them play and likes a dance. I also go to little festivals with friends who are all in their 50's and 60's.

If you are feeling too old when you go to bars and stuff you are probably going to venues that have a younger crowd. Look around and you can find plenty of places that are patronised by people that are a similar age to you. Many of those, both male and female will be single and probably feeling some of the same things you do.

Finally, don't feel alone in this. There are vast numbers of people who feel similar to you. I am single and have been for a very long time, but just recently - completely by chance - have sort of stumbled into something promising. I also handed in my notice at work recently and finish at the end of the month. I am taking a year off to just enjoy myself and am very excited about it.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about stuff. Just remember, we're all a bit lost and stumbling through life the best we can :-)

- As a child, you feel special. At 35, it's as if you have been out so far from receiving presents from Santa that you sort of cross the heliosphere into interstellar space. You're no longer special. You're no longer the future in this society which has drilled into us the idea of (if you're from the US) American exceptionalism. It's now your turn to do meaning making for others.

- 35 is the breaking point for carrying the old structures which defined your identity. The above plays a big part in that tipping point. You were in a cocoon, which was crafted by society to get you to this breaking stage so that you could create your own reality. The entire time, you were changing. 35ish is the point where things start crashing down.

- Along with the above, there's often another event which helps tip you over. Loss of a relationship and a job will usually do the trick.

- Once you emerge from the cocoon, you're like "WTF?" Where am I? Who am I? What do I do now? The answer is, you're now free, do whatever TF you like! Though this isn't an overnight change. It's the start of a learning process to live in this new existence. It's like you have been born and have to figure out how to walk again, except you have to do this while paying rent.

Maybe not everyone goes through this. But I sure did!

I'd add therapy/coaching helps in making sense of the journey, as you can't really figure out everything about you from within.

Edit: Check out my other comment in this thread as well, I went a bit deeper there.

> Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving".

It's easier said than done, but once I started focusing on the journey instead of the destination everything became much more enjoyable.

I used to get angry when something would not go to plan, but now I view it as a good story in the making. Bugs being discovered in code are now fun problems to solve. I power lifted for years and learned to enjoy the grind because I might go months before being able to add weight to a lift. Now I train jiu-jitsu and instead of thinking about some end state, I focus on enjoying the suck when getting smashed. Even something simple like raining outside. I don't run to my car, I purposely walk and enjoy the drops on my face.

It may sound silly, but this focus on the journey and being comfortable being uncomfortable really changed me for the better according to my friends and SO.

So I made changes. Big changes. Rearchitected my life, if you will. They were not easy. But I’ve learned a ton over the journey. I miss the old life, and I’m grateful for this life I made, worlds apart from where I was before. And I don’t think about how it could have been, because that’s not how it is.

Now I’m in a similar situation again. I’m evaluating what changes I want to make. I think a lot about where I’ve been and where I want to be in 10 years, which helps me shape my decision making.

But it’s the little voice inside that I have to pay real close attention to before I make any big change. When I feel out of touch with that little voice, I know I need to work on my spiritual connection.

It’s not an easy place to be feeling lost, out of place, not sure what to do. I know that feeling very well. I was feeling it yesterday like a ton of sand weighing on my soul.

But today’s a new day. And I’m feeling alive. Thank you for your post, and this chance to think through my own decision making. Carpe diem!

I have the same feeling, and it's astonishing to me how quickly it happened. I went from feeling in the same age group as 20-somethings to feeling like their uncle in a year. I doubt I changed so much externally, but I'm amazed at how abrupt the change was.

It wasn't just a few things being out of place, then some more, then some more. I went from "I belong here" to "I don't belong here" basically instantly.

> I am turning 35 years soon

35 is not old... this post is almost offensive.

But spoiler, it's going to get worse. At 35, you don't look old yet. At 40-45, ageism really starts to kick in and a lot of things get harder: e.g. dating, holding a technical job ...

What to do? most people have kids and revise their goals. Some put all their energy into work or hobbies. Some start to drink (very common after 40).

paddleboarding, biking, fixing up a rental property, sewing, electronics, bought an internet business to run as a side hustle, minecraft (family realm), weightlifting/fitness + fixing my sleep (down 30 lbs in 15 mo), sauna (not really a hobby, but ~30 min/day), crypto, knitting, breadmaking, pottery, ukulele, piano, rock climbing, disc golf

Find activities that make you happy and double down on those. Pay for classes/coaches. Travel has been pretty much nonexistent the last few years (thanks covid), so we've had to spend a lot of time/money on figuring out how we can stay put and not kill each other.

On the job side, remote work means way more opportunities to find interesting work. Or buy something neat on MicroAcquire and learn how to grow it if you feel like you don't have what it takes to start something. (I don't say that negatively -- I started a lot of things that never went anywhere, but I find that I enjoy the operations/optimization side a lot more and have enjoyed tinkering on a business I bought in 2018).

(edit: forgot lists don't work)

This might sound like complete bullshit, but have you spent any time to try and gather your thoughts in a constructive manner to identify where your feelings are coming from, and where or how you might find excitement and joy again?

You won't find all the answers this way, but it could help you find some direction. Personally I might guess that you need to explore other opportunities and find new passions in life to truely get out of your current state of mind. That might involve travel, as others have suggested, to open your mind to other possibilities, since we often pigeon-hole our focus towards what's already in front of us.

I've been through something similar twice in my life, and as I say, it took both mindfulness and a bit of exploration to find my way out. Sending yourself off to uncomfortable and unknown situations, to discover what else there is to life, for you. We need goals in life to feel like we're achieving something, striving for something, like we have something to live for. Have you lost sight of your goals? Do you still have any as of this moment that you are passionate about?

One last fortune cookie I might offer: Believe in yourself. We all fall down at some point, it's how we handle that fall that really matters, and if you can pull yourself back up, new horizons await.

You’ve got plenty of time. What you need is connections. Who/what/how is up to you, and talking to an understanding person about it (parents, lifelong friend, pastor, therapist) would probably help more than us all here.

Seriously though, I take special pleasure in helping people directly. Giving to charity helps but getting to know people and giving a hand directly is even more rewarding I've found.

"Just learn Thai lol" is not actionable advice either. I say this as someone who has literally done what you suggest in 50+ countries. If he could somehow sneak into New Zealand (not Australia!) I'd strongly recommend that instead at the moment. Buy a van. Hike. So many great treks and places that you usually need to reserve months in advance and far higher likelihood of meaningful interactions.

Heading there next month ;)

Travel can be great, but travel is at best a sort of emotional palliative care for a person in the OPs situation as I understand it.

Technology bores me mostly, even though it's what I'm good at. I feel like time is running out to do something, I just don't know what that something is. It's really tough to figure out what you want to do, and how you go about doing it.

BUT you're not alone! Speaking to friends, and possibly to a therapist, will help you to process the feelings that you're having, and may help to take steps forward. I'm trying to find enjoyment in tech again, but if I don't then I'm going to go find enjoyment in something else - likely something drastic, knowing my history! Ride a bike, go on holiday, join a club, read a book. There's so much out there, it's about being brave enough to go and do something different.

At least that's what it is for me.

Perhaps you have an offline community that could benefit from some kind of automation, like generating tax receipts from a PDF template or organizing their resources and processes in a way (website?) that's useful for members.

Perhaps you're passionate about user freedoms, you explore an open source desktop environment and related apps but you find that it's still lacking in usability, stability or features. You dive in to make it better and in addition to doing good things for society as a whole, you also form bonds with other members of that developer community, first online, later at in-person meetups.

Perhaps you have an interest in mentoring and learning from each other, so you find like-minded people in your town. It could be coding meetups, pair programming sessions, conferences and presentations, helping tech noobs find their way into the industry. You might learn a bit and also pass on some of your own knowledge and experiences.

Either way, people-focused tech provides a different kind of fulfillment than tech for tech's sake. Worth a shot if you hadn't already tried to make it a focus!

I saw a therapist for 2 years which helped a little and got me to the point where I realised I needed to get out of London, as it felt impossible to build deep relationships.

So I recently moved to a much smaller city and am making new friends and connections here and trying to build these relationships much deeper than I have in the past. I think it's helping but when I'm home, alone, the malaise begins to return.

I've also lost pretty much all my enthusiasm for tech lately, so I've gone down to a 4 day week, though I often feel like I'm "wasting" the extra free day off.

However, one of my new friends here is going through a coding bootcamp and talking with them about tech makes me feel enthusiastic again, so I'm considering how to move to some kind of teaching/tutoring role. I've volunteered as a mentor for bootcamp students, to get a taste, but that's not started yet - I shall see!

Mentorship with the young generation couples the energy of the mentee with the experience to avoid pitfalls from the mentor.

One example of this are professors. Many of them you may noticed never want to retire. They are often in an ideal stimulating environment that only improves with time. Every year a young batch of eager students wanting to learn arrive, while profs provide the taste and quality control to direct the energy.

I find this interesting - I've sort of had a taste of this with an extreme sport, a very casual mentorship of a friend at a not dissimilar age with a huge quantity of enthusiasm but little previous experience. I noticed the enthusiasm definitely transfers, and what was old can seem new again - not only that but I can take that enthusiasm to explore new aspects of the sport and push myself further. I haven't quite found the same experience in technical work yet, but I feel I could do with some renewed enthusiasm there too.

It may not even necessarily be mentorship, just being in good company with enthusiastic, friendly and interesting people. As a fairly introverted person it's open my eyes a bit to how much the people around me can affect my mood and engagement with the world.

Many of us have been there, done that. It almost doesn't matter how "successful" you are. (after all, look at Bezos, he seems to be hit really hard with it).

35 is nothing. I remember "feeling old" when I turned 17. Then feeling old when I turned 25, wishing I were 17. Then again every couple of years. From some point I now keep telling myself "you are 5 years younger than you will be in 5 years, and 10 years younger than you will be in 10 years" :D

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

I am in a similar headspace but at 31, but the truth is that life is just beginning in the 30s. You have experience AND money, which can open so many doors.

Most of that debt is a house (that needs a lot of restoration). I have two awesome kids and a wife though. I'm happy with that part of me.

I feel like the concept of net worth is crucial to communicate things like these effectively. Reading your comment, I can't even figure out if you are in the red or in the green.

You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it). And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined has really been taken away - that is, it isn't available anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, having $500k in the bank ain't what it used to be. But I get the sense that you aren't really defined by money.

Maybe the "haven't had a serious relationship for many years now" part is what you should work on. Just putting your time and energy into a relationship is good for you. Without a relationship you have no future.

I have no kids. That makes me feel like I may have no future.

Being aware that the thing you're fighting, the dread you're experiencing, is really about your fear of not having a future -- that can at least provide an anchor, to focus you on imagining what you want a future to look like and taking the steps to get to whatever that place is. I think the biggest problem is that we're all constantly obsessed with the present and somewhere along the line we stop trying to evolve into what we want to be, and get mired down in the quotidian. This may be a normal feature of growing older, but it's definitely amplified by the overwhelming flood of bullshit we see every day now, which seems designed from the ground up to prevent us from thinking about our future.

Spend a little time and ask yourself if not having [edit: not being able to visualize] a future is your actual problem, and take it from there.

Not to take away from your overall point, but I would encourage people to be skeptical of this claim. Relationships are healthy, yes. They can help to provide meaning and purpose. They may end up giving your life the structure that's been missing before.

But firstly, it's not necessary to be in a single romantic relationship for all of these benefits, a tight-knit group of close friends can be just as great of a boon or almost.

And secondly, leaving a legacy does not equate having a future. Kids are a legacy. Memories that other people keep of you, and changes (hopefully improvements) you make in local communities, society, the world as a whole, that's leaving a legacy. But really, chances are that the world as a whole doesn't give much of a damn about whether your DNA or your work survives. Give it three or four generations and you're at best a footnote somewhere.

And that's okay. Having a future means to shape your life in a way that makes sense to you, that ends up being fulfilling, that lets you experience the good things and the bad things about it conscientiously.

Relationships can help with that. But in no way is having "a" relationship or having kids a prerequite for having a future. Thank you for your time, nitpicking over!

The OP is nowhere to be seen from my vantage point in achievements, but rather, I'm a stone's throw away from that one submitter last year whose circumstances and outlook were so crushingly bleak and who had absolutely nothing to their name.

I'm not going to pretend there isn't an ounce of "oh, poor me" here, but I think seeing it is crucial to understanding my outlook. I am the same age as OP, just weeks out from hitting 35. What they have in savings, I have less than a % in net worth. Also single, with no serious relationship for years (save for the fact that I've been talking to someone for the last some-odd months, we'll see where that goes). I have held jobs in small and big warehouses for mostly for 1-2 years each, for minimum wage.

No wife, kids, or residence to call my own.

Back at 30, I felt I had no future. How do I survive and live on?

Bearing in mind that question, something hit me (I don't know what exactly) when I then also asked myself: what if I pass on tomorrow?

I then started volunteering at the local women's center weekly (and have not been lately only because I finally have my first "real" job now as of a few months ago).

I'm reasonably fit, so I rose up the ranks (albeit still a temp in title) and ran the production lines at my warehouse jobs, sharing not only my sharpness through training people as oversee-ees but also all the warmth I have bottled up with each one of them as fellows I worked side-by-side with. Suddenly, it sucked a lot less to be stuck in my dead-end jobs. It wasn't hard to win people over when almost all the bosses and managers were being a bunch o' armchair dicks.

If I pass on tomorrow, I have already touched so many people and in turn enjoyed the blessings of having been touched back by every one of them.

For me, (accidentally) having a kid has catapulted my life forward a bit in terms of feeling comfortable in my shoes.

What I came here to add, is something I'm often thinking about these days: you need to figure out what role money has in your life. How much of it do you want, and why?

Yes, I realize this is a gross subject, but I think, at least in the US, we are not sufficiently honest about this.

I think it's OK to want more of it, or lots of it. Or less of it. Or an average amount. But you need to own that decision and reach a place where you're genuinely comfortable with what you have, or want.

Then you can figure out what you're going to do with your time. Are you going to work towards getting lots of money? Then every act needs to be in service of that goal. Do you just want to be rich at retirement? Do the math -- carefully -- and make sure you will be rich at retirement, and figure out exactly what income you need to achieve that. Are you happy with a modest income and wealth? Huzzah, you can relax.

Once you've admitted to yourself what role money has in your life, then you can go about figuring out your hobbies or workout routine or spirituality, or whatever. But I am increasingly of the opinion that savage honesty about how much money we need to be happy has to come first.

If you want to feel better and become engaged again, help others. Share your success. Teach. Do hobbies that bring you physically close to a community. There is a lot of research that indicates that volunteering and helping others improves a lot our wellbeing [1].

To me it makes all the sense and I've experienced how it greatly improved my own life. If you like fabrication, the Maker/FabLab movement are awesome (at least here in Portugal).

I'm 46 and some time back, in my early forties, I joined a local CoderDojo club. CoderDojo is a global community of Programming Clubs for Kids. I started there as Mentor, teaching and helping kids having fun with coding and it was a lot of fun. However, the best, was the community itself. I have acquired many new friends and have met a lot of great people between the other mentors, the champions (club leaders/organizers) and also the kids parents. The parents of the younger ones are incentivized to participate.

Good Luck!

[1] https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/07/29/voluntee... [2] https://www.jstor.org/stable/3090173

Having kids also means ideally having a stable relationship with a partner and you'll never reach that point without dating.

Work, at the end of the day, is meaningless if you feel your life is without purpose. Money isn't quite meaningless in that it can help to entertain & distract you and also help to attract & retain a partner. Everyone likes someone who is self sufficient.

Most technologies aren't necessary, most companies aren't necessary, most work isn't necessary. If you approach life from that perspective you'll see that the only thing worth dedicating yourself to is family & friends.

If you haven't ever had a very long travel holiday, consider it.

edit: if you want to make friends, I recommend SCUBA diving - I've never met a more welcoming, inclusive community of people

Pulled from Rob Henderson's email (which is not linkable sorry) http://us4.forward-to-friend.com/forward?u=412bdf6ca38cdf29c...

For most men, the life structure of the late twenties is fragmented and unstable. They’re unsure if they chose the right career path. The possibility of marriage becomes a more pressing concern. They feel aimless if they don’t already have a solid relationship, home base, and career path.

From here, men enter what Levinson terms the “Age Thirty Transition.” In the late twenties, men realize that if they are going to make a change, they must do it soon, otherwise it will be too late.

This change could be about their careers, what city to live in, whether to fully commit to their romantic relationship or pursue other partners, and so on.

Levinson writes that this transition is often stressful. He calls it an “Age Thirty Crisis.”

This happens when a man’s current life structure is intolerable, but for whatever reason, they are unable to form a better one. A moderate or severe crisis is common during this period.

The Age Thirty Transition often begins with a vague uneasiness, a feeling that something is missing or wrong in your life. At this point, men sense that they must either find a new direction and make new choices or strengthen their commitment to the choices they’ve already made.

For some men, the process is smooth. By 30, they feel their lives are reasonably complete. Still, it’s possible that they are not acknowledging flaws in their lives, which “often surface at a later time, when they exact a heavier cost.”

62 percent of the men interviewed in the book went through a moderate or severe age thirty crisis.

Levinson concludes:

“A stressful Age Thirty Transition was more the rule than the exception in our study...Many young adults as they pass 30 have serious doubts about the value and viability of our society and about the possibility of forming a life structure worth having. Perhaps every generation feels that its life problems are unique in character and severity—and each of them may be right.”

Given you have 500k, you could also easily take off a year and just do awesome things and meet people. 35 isn't old either. Not even remotely. You must be living a fairly insular life to think so.

The first thing is regular exercise, hydration, and meditation. If I fail on these at any point my mind goes to shit.

Second, humans are a pack animal. You are right that your peers won’t be in clubs or bars. You aren’t either so why would they be? If you are looking for a romantic partner to start your pack, you can look online. Talk values first is my advice there. For companions who aren’t romantically involved with you, try going to events near you in your part of the industry or in a hobby.

Third, get a hobby. Humans are not bees or ants. We need more than work and the hive. We need to feel passionate and productive. If your main job does not offer these, it is time for a hobby.

I’ve gone to pretty dark places internally, and have at various points in my life had very bad mental health. My mental health really seemed to stabilize in my late 20s. Now, I’m doing better than I ever have and I owe to these things above.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines."

What I'm trying to change now is reset and restart small. Because I now compare myself to all my successful peers, I've forgotten that it takes small steps to build something. So rather than looking at the the final outcome I'm looking to focus more on small and short tasks. There is no going back to my 20's but I can have better and healthier rest of my life.

Start getting spiritual. You will notice eventually that all the life long ambitions/hobbies/craving for experiences is like a relay race of sorts where the baton(craving) gets continuously passed around to the next of runner only to be repeated again and again.

The emptiness is not due to lack of experiences in life. It's due to the realisation that every desire, experience, happiness, pain is made of the same underlying thing. So chasing after more is not going to be anymore fulfilling. Like another comment said, start living for others.

Personally, drugs and CBT never helped me with these. They might help you. I mostly just put my head down and kept coding for work and did nothing after work but lay down. I just had no interest in reading or watching TV or anything. If I hadn't had kids to support, I would not have been able to force myself to go to work either.

Eventually time would pass and it would go away and I would remember how much I liked coding and how much I liked all of my hobbies.

It's very hard to imagine ever returning to normal when you're in some sort of depressive episode. But statistically speaking, you almost certainly will. That knowledge always helped me to get through them. These is a good chance that in 6-12 months, you might again be quite excited by new technologies and the thought of going to festivals/bars/clubs.

Can I ask what medication/drugs were you given (or gave to yourself) when you went through these periods?

SSRIs in particular did not work well for me because they really interfered with my natural sleep cycle and this did not go away after 6 weeks as the doctors hoped. I would just bolt awake sweating after like 3 hours of sleep which made things much, much worse.

I never tried any illegal drugs. I've read good reports about psychadelics in some cases. But I've never tried anything like that.

I did try benzodiazapines during my last bout like 3 years ago. They were wonderful at first. Klonopin made me feel so relaxed somehow that it fixed everything else. I slept great and was interested in everything again. I thought I'd found the fix. But then it stopped working. They recommended increasing my dose. But I read horror stories about what happens there (see Jordan Peterson saga). So I tapered off. It was awful. I would wake up after 2 hours having a panic attack and not be able to get back to sleep. It took like an extra 3 months after tapering off until I was back to just regular depressed :). Would not recommend these! Read the benzo recovery reddit.

Remember that anything that happens to you has happened to thousands and thousands of men in the past so don't put so much pressure on living.

Also, try to see yourself more as an artist painting a picture rather than someone that is struggling through life. Hope that helps.

I can't remember what book it was, maybe something by Douglas Coupland (?) He talks about how there was probably some guy just like him in 200 AD, in the Roman Empire, going through exactly what he's going through now. Forgotten to history, all his thoughts. And he's just that guy all over again.

Compared to beating the shit out of yourself for not being Mohammed or Ghengis Khan, Bars are just fine.

Oh.. and one of my best job changes was becoming a high school teacher. Think about it.

that's normal

with some rare exceptions, at 35 you are too young to watch at you life with the right perspective and you feel like you haven't achieved much.

It is also because it's true, you haven't achieved much in the grand scheme if things, like virtually everyone of us, but what you have achieved on a personal level will be visible in the future, it's invisible right now.

Look at it this way: you are at the beginning of the journey, things that are gard now get easier with time, things that now are easy get harder with age, but at 35 you have actually "lived" less than 20 years, while many more are in front of you and nobody can actually predict what's going to happen next. Life is full of surprises.

Like the above it sounds like a lot of it might be loneliness? I'm not saying it expecting it to be something easy to rectify but if it is the cause it is indeed possible to become less lonely. I dare say it will give you more happiness than a lot of success in your career.

https://festivalsandretreats.com/rainbow-gatherings-in-europ...

Ic.org

No I got a child, a well payed job and no time for nothing. I'm still kind of excited for new stuff, but I just don't have the time to pursue that. And that makes me feel sad and not needed, too. I became a consumer, am not a creator anymore. And I don't know what to do about it.

So yeah, not helpful, but I just wanna tell you, that you're not alone =)

I think there is a natural change that happens around this age as the energy of youth starts to be tempered by the wisdom of age (not meaning to sound lofty, it’s just how it came to my mind). There is an opportunity to start seeking things of more meaning and purpose in life, whether it is through study, career change, creativity/hobbies, mindfulness or spirituality, time in nature, settling down, finding new friends or rekindling old ones, moving on, a different kind of travel, etc - it will be different for everyone. You may also be depressed or burned out, which is a whole other thing (that I could also heavily relate to). But I think it’s not correct for people to offer armchair diagnoses over the internet and you should find out what’s true for you.

People also seem to be recommending travel above all else, but this isn’t always a panacea and is not right for everybody. There can also be real value in staying put and changing on the inside, if that’s what’s true for you.

Good luck out there

Nothin's a panacea, you said that right.

Don't go to bars (drinking for the sake of it is a waste of time) ... except to see live music, or live comedy, or something. Go to festivals, though.

Or start a regular event or a festival with friends, or spend some time helping a local music venue. Or if you don't know those people, join some group that helps people put on events you might want to attend.

At 33, I was handed a bit of a social lifeline and the brief self-esteem to grab onto it, and found my way into a local music scene that I worked how I could to help support, which sustained me personally until the pandemic arrived. Now I find my life is lonely and detached, but 33 is a long time ago. That period of life was good; I look back on it fondly.

Do something to build the kind of life that fits you now. Be part of something: 35 is a time when you can still have fun but you also have life experience and maturity that helps you organise, see more different perspectives, value creating fun for other people, look out for them and take care of them.

And right now, post-pandemic, anything you do to help people re-establish the connections that have gone a bit cold and the friendships that have lost their steam in periods of lockdown and restriction will be welcomed by like-minded people, many of whom will be your age.

OP if you think deeply I think you will find the answer and maybe already know it already. Perhaps there is something in your heart of hearts that you want to do but are afraid to take the leap?

It does sound like you've worked a lot, and probably also with computers, so you probably should try to find challenges in other fields, mainly sports. Run a marathon, do some climbing, get in the best shape of your life - it is utterly impossible to not feel ecstatic whenever you beat your own records. Also, sounds like starting a family would give you a tremendous benefit. Once you have kids the question about "feeling lost" doesn't even come up (probably because the kids won't let you think enough about that :P)

I'm 32 and I basically did not exist throughout my 20s but now I'm in better shape than I've ever been before, interact with people more than I ever did before and make new experiences on a regular basis.

Best of luck to you, good sir.

Feeling is the Secret (1944) by Neville Goddard https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffNWoefuwPM

Well, you have money and time so it should be easy to go find what it is that truly moves you! It won't be stuff you already know. Also, it helps to do things differently... don't be trapped in the "old you" persona. That's just something we make up to make reality feel more solid. Define yourself based on what's going on right now, and not based on old notions of you.

Your spirit (if you will) is begging you change the way you live so just go along with it.

It's called "midlife crisis". Everyone goes through it.

> I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same.

Yes. I am over 50, I have been programming since I was 10 or so, and I have seen even more iterations than you :-)

You only get excited about these things if you see them for the first or second time.

On the other hand, if you understand the principles that makes things work, instead of just knowing every single detail, that gives you some good guidelines to cut through the crap and do some slick, efficient things.

> But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out.

Nah. The fun is just starting for you.

Take this test (1) - it's from a book called your best year ever (no affiliation just found it on gr) and though it feels a little pop-pschy it does give you some insight on where you may be lacking and the cause of such feelings.

(1) https://assessments.michaelhyatt.com/lifescore/ (it will ask you for email so use mailinator)

Good luck

Professionally, I have felt that. I have been in academia for a long time, and there are always people who are smarter, more successful, etc. So by my mid-30ies I often felt like I had an ok-ish academic career, I could probably get a permanent position. But I have frequently felt like the point of making a mark has passed (which is probably false) and that I failed. For me it helped to do something really different. First, I consulted for about a year, then I was offered a position in a really nice company and I am enjoying it a lot.

I used to go to a lot of concerts and go to clubs, but by the mid-30s I noticed that my body needs much more regular sleep, etc. and I can't take alcohol as much, etc. Also, that lifestyle becomes much harder with a child. So, we have a far more disciplined life now and I only drink a glass of wine with a nice dinner every few weeks or so. However, we found a lot of enjoyment in other things. E.g. we usually take a 1 week break every few months were we hire a small house near a national park or on an island. We usually cycle a lot, go to restaurants, enjoy nature, etc. It's always a lot of fun and there is always something to look forward to.

I also re-read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind every few years [1]. The book is about Zen meditation practice, but the idea of finding and approaching things with a beginner's mind is widely applicable.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen_Mind,_Beginner%27s_Mind

This may be a symptom of depression. It's called anhedonia, where people feel reduced motivation or an inability to feel pleasure. Many people feel depressed without feeling the typical symptoms of depression, like sadness.

If you want to re-discover wonder, spend time with children. I'm 50, I have 5 kids, and honestly, their sense of wonder is infectious and helping them discover the world and discover what they love in life has been the best part of my life.

When I don't feel excited about the world, similar to what you describe, you meditate or spend time in nature. Reading about geology or trees has opened my eyes about how little we grasp about the nature of the universe and how focused on our own short lives we are while we are actually not much important. It's a shift in perspective. Usually, it helps me remember the small things that I still can influence rather than those beyond my control.

I don't know to be honest. Perhaps what's nagging at me is the lack of optionality. There are certain things I am now too old to do, like go to a school as typical student, go crazy at festival or clubs, go backpacking and easily meet new people, and have casual relationships. It's not that I want to do these things. I don't feel any desire for them. But the fact that I don't have the option to do them is depressing to me.

A) Life is like an evolving game with many rounds. Some doors close in your 20s, other doors open in 30s and so on. See what interests you outside and off the screen, once you find this, connect with other people who like to do it. For eg. in my city a lot of tech workers are into bouldering and hiking. You will see as you make friends in your age group, there is a whole bunch of new doors opening now that you are in your 30s.

B) Actually most of the things you list are totally still doable even _if_ you did want to do them. School as a typical student maybe not, but why be typical? I've met backpackers in their 60s, age truly is just a number.

The economy is mostly based on people trying to fill a void. I was able to fill that w a person’s “love” but they left me for a younger, higher-earner who is probably better in bed too. I guess you better just accept it, try and be healthy, talk about it with friends and maybe something will come along that really does make you happy if you “get out there” whatever that means

What helped me was taking up new interests and hobbies, ones completely removed from software development, ones with a long history that would take a long time to 'master'. For me this was things like reading, writing and studying ancient philosophy.

I also found developing a kind of 'spirituality' – a word I would have considered dirty in my early twenties – essential to living contentedly in a reality that seems chaotic and meaningless, and accepting things like ageing and dying. For me, the writings and recordings of Alan Watts helped enormously here, but I find different people fill this hole with different things and people.

I think this could help you a lot. It really seems to me that what you’re missing is human connection, and social dance is a way to facilitate it.

There are dance communities with plenty of people your age. It’s a totally different scene from bars and clubs. People don’t drink very much because it gets in the way of dancing.

It’s also a good way to find potential relationship partners, although the primary interest should be the dancing, since people can tell if you’re just there to hook up and that will come off as creepy and predatory.

If anyone reading this is lonely and thinking of going to social outings for the purpose of finding a partner: do it. It's ok! It's not creepy or predatory.

Furthermore, reading peoples' minds is very difficult, so people actually can't tell what motivated you to go to a social outing. It's okay to go to a social outing motivated by the prospect of finding a partner, and it's okay to say that you're out to "learn to dance" or to "have a drink" or any number of things.

Just consider yourself blessed to have a half a million on the side and think about all the potential problems and health issues you DONT have. A bit of stoic thinking maybe.

I read on the net that it might be because of a vitamin D deficiency. I took a medical test and it showed me that I was vitamin D and vitamin B deficient. I have started taking supplements for these two and I can already feel the difference after almost two months of taking the vitamins.

Get your vitamin levels checked.

Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing.

Now I can barely play for more than an hour without feeling some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or need to get to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can I fix this!?

I'm already taking vitamin supplements :)

Pick an indie game or two with a well-defined end point, one that plays in under 20 or even 10 hours. See the sense of finishing and never going back to it makes you feel any differently.

If it doesn't work, you can still leave games by the wayside. I took several years of a break because I just wasn't feeling it, and ended up coming back to video games with a different perspective. It's all good either way, you don't have to force it.

Personally, I just took that as a signal to stop playing games. I still play (and really enjoy) multiplayer games with friends when they're around, but if you have an anxiety saying "you should be doing something else" then I think you should probably try doing something else.

Having a child and partner helps. It gives me something to hold on to. Though that obviously doesn’t help you right now.

But the excitement about a lot of other stuff is just gone. I’m fairly certain it comes from just having seen most things before, and it appears 30+ is the magic age at which you start to feel this.

I’m settled in a career, and have no particular desire to switch now (partially golden handcuffs effect).

Concepts like "achievement" are not fixed in stone, and are yours to define. Perhaps it is time that you take that challenge on, and define for yourself what success means to you. It doesn't have to be academic, career, or family oriented. It can be anything that you want it to be. But, it does have to come from yourself if you want it to be meaningful.

I'm looking to see if hobbies can help me meet people, hopefully friends or even a partner. COVID isn't helping.

I try to ignore friends and acquaintances that tell me how boring my life is, ask me why I don't have a partner, why I don't have kids, why do I spend so much time alone, why don't I party more... Frankly, they are not helping. Still keep them as friends though.

Dating feels like work most of the time, so I'm doing it less and less. It used to stress me, now I tell myself a partner is not a requirement for a happy life and date when I feel like it.

I am still living abroad, will probably move back in a couple of years. I am putting some unreasonable expectations on the move, hoping it will make things better when I know it won't. At least the weather will be better.

As time piles your age, irreversibility gains terrain in the land of possibility. You can fight to do all the possible or, like me, watch yourself lose with a bitter glass of wine at your lips. It tastes better after a while.

I don't think I'm sad, just profoundly bored.

Coincidentally this is also how I personally moved my life forward, but it's not just an anecdote, lots of different sources tell me that this is what matter at the end of the day. For a random example, Season 3, Episode 4 of Bojack Horseman (Fish out of water).

For example one common defence mechanism among younger intellectual types is rationalisation [2]. A person might get asked why they don't have children and respond with something like "I don't have the money, today children are so expensive", or "I enjoy my free time too much to be bothered with children", or "there are already too many humans on the planet, I don't want to make the problem worse", etc. But in their subconscious the fact everyone around them starts having children while they don't might silently be causing anxiety. When a person gets older such rationalisations can break down, i.e. "I enjoy my free time too much" might not work when you are 35 and start to feel lonely, so the stress that was once suppressed by a defence mechanism rises up.

That's just my layman's understanding of it.

[1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism

[2]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rationalization_(psychology)

One thing that helped me was to schedule regular time to be with my own thoughts. This became mornings at a coffee shop with a book and a journal, sometimes after a hike through a local park. I take the time to read last week's entry every time and reflect on it.

Set small goals and forgive yourself routinely. It's through small goals that get transformed into routines that long term goals are achievable.

For me, giving myself "protected" time to actually think helped me a lot with my feeling of directionlessness.