Age Wise

Modern society has torn us apart in many ways. Grown kids scatter across the country and around the globe. More people live alone than ever before. Polarized ideology divides family and friends. And perhaps most insidious, social media spotlights supposedly idyllic lives that can make our own existence seem isolated and pathetic.

The result: We’re growing more and more lonely. And it’s killing us, figuratively and literally.

“Our social lives, maintaining quality meaningful relationships, significantly influences not only our emotional well-being and mental health, but is just as important for our physical health,” says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University who studies the long-term health effects of social connection. “A lack of social connection can put us at significantly increased risk for poorer health and premature mortality from all causes.”

Indeed, multiple studies find loneliness raises the risk of anxiety and depression, a weak immune system, heart disease, dementia and death, according to the National Institute on Aging.

The physical effects can begin in the body long before symptoms show up. Living alone for years is linked to increased inflammation in the blood of men, likely presaging a higher risk of poor health and early death, scientists report this week in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health.

The good news: If you are lonely, there are proven ways to claw out of it. And if you know someone who is lonely, reaching out can benefit you both. “Research shows that providing support to others actually can be just as or more beneficial than receiving support,” Holt-Lunstad tells me.

You’ll find strategies and tactics below. But first: What’s going on?

‘Serious loneliness’ is on the rise

Loneliness involves perceptions — what we expect in relationships versus what we get. Feeling lonely is linked to bad health more than simply living alone. And there are often other issues going on. People unhappy with their jobs, families or social relationships are more likely to say they feel lonely.

However it’s characterized, loneliness seems to be on the rise, particularly among younger people.

Some 36% of U.S. adults say they experience serious loneliness — feeling lonely frequently or almost all the time — according to a report by Harvard University’s Making Caring Common project. That measure, taken in the fall of 2020, is up from 25% prior to the pandemic. The survey revealed a glaring age disparity:

Serious loneliness is highest among people ages 18–25 (61%) and lowest among those ages 55–65 (24%).

“Older people face more risks of social isolation, losing loved ones, or smaller social networks, so the common belief has been that loneliness is a social disease of the elderly,” says Milena Batanova, PhD, a Harvard researcher and co-author of the report. “That’s far from what research shows, though. In some studies there are no age differences whereas in others they either show an inverse relationship — where the older you are the less lonely you feel, or more of a U-shaped pattern where younger and much older folks are lonelier and the middle-aged less so.”

It’s complicated. Other research finds older people are generally happier than young adults, and considerably happier than those in middle-age. The reasons involve fewer responsibilities, more free time, plus some perspective and wisdom to handle life’s travails—even if that means being alone a lot.

‘Hell for lonely people’

Several factors are behind the apparent rise in loneliness, and particularly the increase at younger ages.

Social media, once idealized as a way to bring people together, is thought by many experts to be counterproductive when it comes to forging productive social bonds.

“Social media can be hell for lonely people,” Batanova and her colleagues write.

While younger adults may depend on social media for a high percentage of their human interactions, older people likely focus more on the quality of their real relationships than, say, how many “likes” they accrue.

“In general, young people tend to be more dissatisfied with their relationships, and they’re probably more focused on quantity than quality,” Batanova explains in an email. “Yet we know that high quality or genuinely close relationships are fundamental to combating loneliness.”

It’s unclear the extent to which the apparent rise in loneliness might be a result of people comparing their lives to others on social media, or of greater awareness of the problem in general — and particularly, Batanova suggests, increased awareness of what good relationships should look like.

Regardless, her study revealed one likely root cause: A growing lack of empathy. About half of the lonely young people said no one had taken more than “a few minutes” in recent weeks to ask how they’re doing in a genuinely caring manner.

“Empathy is on the decline among young people,” Batanova says. “There’s a gap in how much people feel like they’re giving or investing in people compared to how much they feel like they’re receiving. A whopping 69% said they try to understand others’ experiences more than they feel others try to understand theirs. That’s a pretty large, concerning empathy gap.”

What you can do

Reversing the spiral of loneliness — whether your own or in helping someone else — starts with figuring out its sources and then tailoring solutions to the problems, Batanova says.

Her first question: “Is the loneliness a function of some deep personal angst, or anger towards society, or more so relational, a function of deep discomfort with those around you?”

The next step: “If you have at least one close or trusted friend or family member to turn to, don’t hesitate and reach out,” Batanova suggests. “But if the people in your life are consistently letting you down and perpetuating that empathy gap, making you feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving, then it might be time to cast a wider net and seek out new experiences and opportunities.”

Here are some science-based changes to consider:

Curtailing time on social media has been shown to reduce loneliness and depression. The key is to use that recovered time in productive ways. For older adults, group exercise classes can be particularly helpful. But exploring any new activity that connects you with others is a good idea: book clubs, PTA meetings, perhaps a cooking class? Volunteering is a great way to curb loneliness, especially for younger adults.

And for the record, people who eat well, stay physically active and sleep well tend to be less lonely, research shows.

What if nothing is working?

“If you find yourself chronically lonely, seek professional help from a therapist and communicate this to your health care provider, as they can help refer you to resources in your community,” Holt-Lunstad says.

Loneliness, she explains, is somewhat like hunger or thirst, sensations that prompt us to seek food or water. “We all feel lonely from time to time,” she says. “These unpleasant feelings are what motivate us to reconnect socially.”