I love the early morning quiet of a weekend to myself. I’m a single mother. I don’t get a lot of quiet mornings. I have a different kind of appreciation for a morning with my children, but quiet mornings on my own are savored — especially when it’s early enough that it feels like the whole world is still sleeping. I’m walking my dog through the morning mist when I stop to check the time on my phone and get the message that punches through the quiet.

Apparently, I’m a total MILF. I know that it’s meant to be a compliment, but it misses the mark by a million miles. Somehow, it’s worse that the message comes from someone I considered a friend rather than an anonymous man on the Internet. The morning quiet fell to pieces — or I did.

What You Should Know About Calling Women MILFs

For the uninitiated, MILF stands for “Moms I’d Like to Fuck”. It’s a pretty direct indicator of the type of interest being expressed. It also manages to take our humanity out of the equation entirely by referring to us by our relationship to other people. For those who use it, here’s what you should probably know.

Yes, we know.

Let’s just clear something up. Most women know that there are men out there who consider us fuckable. We learn that early — so early in fact, that the first time we realize it, most of us aren’t even women yet. We’re just girls, still playing with Barbie and looking at the world through guileless eyes.

I was probably twelve the first time I was objectified. The worst part is that I was a little flattered by it. I was a shy child, used to being the wallflower. The attention felt a little like someone was seeing me. Only I knew that there was something wrong with how they were seeing me, even if I didn’t yet understand what it meant.

It’s not a compliment.

So, no, I don’t find it flattering when someone points out that they’d like to fuck me. I know there are people who would. I don’t need a hundred people who want to fuck me — just one right person who wants to hold me. Is that really too much to ask?

There’s not a dad equivalent.

I’ve never heard women talk about a man who happens to be a father as a DILF. It’s not really a prevalent thing. I know some women also objectify men. I’m aware. But the vast majority of us are capable of feeling sexual attraction for a man who happens to be a father without sliding into their DMs to point out that they are parents who are also fuckable. “MILF” used as anything other than a joke communicates misogyny, not flirtation.

If your objective was sex, you failed.

I don’t have an issue talking about sex, thinking about it, or having it. Like many single people in a pandemic, I’d like to be having more of it. I’m lonely sometimes, and I have the same human needs — likely amplified by a high sex drive with little chance of satisfying it with another person at this particular point in time (see: single parent, pandemic, men sending messages like this). But I certainly won’t be having any of it with someone who puts sex first and my humanity later.

This shouldn’t be hard to understand, and yet, this message was a familiar one. It’s not the first time I’ve been called a MILF, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve been sexually objectified. It happens with strangers, with friends, and even in relationships.

I’m tired. It took a quiet, beautiful morning and punched a hole directly through it. There are countless ways to communicate interest to another human being without making them feel like an object to be used rather than a person to be cared about or loved.

That’s what we all want, isn’t it? To be seen, to be known, to be loved. I want to share my life with someone who wants to fuck me but also wants to love me. We are more than the sum of our parts, and we all deserve to have a little affection and humanity served up with sexuality and attraction.

But what about women who don’t mind it?

Just because women sometimes participate in their own oppression doesn’t mean we should endorse it. After all, there are many people who are perfectly fine with toxic relationships. This shouldn’t set the standard for the rest of us.

There are women who have taken their power back by reclaiming the term MILF, much in the way many have reclaimed “bitch”. I understand the desire to do so, and I don’t have a problem with it. I do, however, have a problem with just how prevalent this term is used in society without first establishing that it’s acceptable — or questioning if it should be.

I used to love those Laura Numeroff books. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie was a personal favorite. It went something like “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk.” The entire book is about cause and effect. I was thinking about it today when the smoke cleared after the message landed, and I wasn’t feeling that sense of shame that seems to accompany sexually degrading messages, the sadness of seeing a fellow human being in a new and unflattering light, and the anger that this keeps happening. It’s just cause and effect.

If you call a mom a MILF, she’s going to block you on social media. If she blocks you on social media, she’s probably going to tell a few friends about what happened. When she tells a few friends what happened, she’s going to need a glass of wine. When she gets a glass of wine, she’s going to remember that she needs chocolate to go with it. And so on.

So, if the point of calling a mom a MILF is to connect in any way, shape, or form, it might work in one out of a hundred women, but I can guarantee that it won’t work with me. It’s not flattering. It doesn’t serve the intended purpose. Maybe it’s time to retire the expression and just try to connect with each other as human beings instead.