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If You Do These 3 Things On Vacation, You Might Be An Asshole

 3 years ago
source link: https://medium.com/writers-blokke/if-you-do-these-3-things-on-vacation-you-might-be-an-asshole-6bf6c5a5ce79
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If You Do These 3 Things On Vacation, You Might Be An Asshole

Is it really that hard to be considerate?

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

I just wrapped up a short vacation at an indoor water park here in Michigan. One last taste of summer before our kids’ activities resume their monopolistic hold over our lives.

We had a nice time, but the fun was not without its challenges. Assholes go on vacation, too, and a bunch of them invaded our resort.

If the last few years have shown us anything, it is that polite society is vastly outnumbered. Most people just don’t give a shit and can’t be bothered to care. Here are 3 ways they might ruin your next vacation, based on my recent experience.

It’s called a LAZY river

One of my favorite ways to spend a day off is with a nice float. Just me, some water, and an inflatable. A bathtub and water wings would do the trick. There’s just something peaceful about letting go and giving yourself over to the current.

That’s what I was trying to do, anyway, but every time I tried to get my float on, I would get rudely jostled by people in a hurry. I have no idea what they were in a hurry for, or where they were trying to get to. Haste defeats the entire purpose of the lazy river.

I wish I could say I was talking about kids, but the adults were the worst offenders by far. They didn’t apologize whenever they shoved you out of the way. Half the time, they looked at you like it was all your fault.

It’s not the Indianapolis 500. It’s not bumper cars. It’s a lazy river. Lay down on something filled with air and commune with your inner Leboswki. Sheesh.

That thong th-thong, thong, thong

We were at the resort all of five minutes when the first thong wandered past in all its ass-flapping glory. My wife and I did a double take and then made faces at each other. We laughed, because how else do you react to unexpectedly seeing a woman’s bare ass in public?

I thought it would just be the one, but apparently thongs travel in packs*. It was like we’d somehow stumbled through a portal, traveling from a sleepy Michigan town to Miami Beach at spring break. Thongs for days. By the end, I actually felt a little overdressed.

I support your right to wear a revealing swimsuit and salute your bravery in bearing it all. But a family-friendly waterpark isn’t the place to bust out the thong. The average kid was probably 6 years old. Show a little modesty.

*Fun note: I went with the generic ‘packs’ above, but a group of skunks is a stench, and a group of stingrays is a fever. Either would work here, though stench is maybe the most anatomically correct.

I want that fucking dinosaur

The resort had a nice arcade. When we’d had enough of the water, we’d spend an hour or so playing Skee-Ball or basketball or shooters. Some of the games spit out tickets, so you could turn $20 into a small plastic dinosaur and a mini Laffy Taffy. And they say that alchemy doesn’t work.

We were engrossed in a spirited game of Fruit Ninja when a kid started screaming as though he’d caught fire. Nope, he just really wanted a dinosaur behind the counter. Screaming at the top of his lungs. His parents let him go on like that for several minutes before caving. He was probably three years old.

It’s little wonder he was screaming – that shit works.

His mom picked him up after he was mollified by the toy. He started slapping the shit out of her and she let him. The husband looked on indifferently. The only thing that would’ve been more disturbing is if the kid had been wearing a thong.

To be clear, I don’t blame the kid. He was a little shit, no doubt, but his parents were the assholes.


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