I was a huge fan of The Millionnaire Matchmaker series.

The idea of helping people find ‘love’ felt like a glamorous and meaningful career to me.

So, when I had the opportunity to become a Matchmaker to professional singles in Sydney I jumped at the chance.

I thought I would be changing peoples lives - helping them find ‘the One’ person they’d create a loving home and family with.

In reality, I spent my days meeting sales targets while trying to (discreetly) juggle a 3:1 female to male client ratio.

Despite all this, I could see the people I met genuinely wanted to find someone to love and be loved.

And what Patti Stanger recognised in her clients on The Millionaire Matchmaker was also what I witnessed in the singles of Sydney.

Their biggest challenge in finding love was themselves.

It’s Time To Look in the Mirror

A reoccurring theme with my clients was they believed their failure to find love was an external issue.

Repetitive and predictable excuses:

“My work is too busy. I don’t have time to date.”

“There aren’t enough ‘good’ men out there.”

Their lack of self-awareness and commitment to themselves was closing them off to finding someone.

They all had some version of:

• a broken heart
• insecurity
• entitlement
• or desperateness.

Without addressing the above, ‘matches’ were viewed through a tainted vision of rejection, fear and preconceived perceptions — no matter how ‘compatible’ they were.

The Never-Ending List of ‘Non-Negotiables’

Expectations were high.

Our membership fees ranged from AU$2,000 to $10,000. Yet, they could afford it.

In truth, their high expectations were due to a ‘non-negotiables’ list, which kept growing year by year.

The ‘ideal partner’ criteria was a long list of:

Financially secure. Successful. Ambitious. Mature. Easy-going. Health-conscious. Active. Good looking. Strong family values. Wants marriage. Wants children. Confident. Well travelled. Well-groomed. Emotionally strong. Good friendships……. etc etc!

With extensive criteria to evaluate their matches, clients would lose the opportunity to feel and see any real connection on their dates.

They would mentally rule out the person within the first few minutes — rejecting the opportunity based on insignificant detail, and then call me later to provide the following feedback:

‘his hairline is receding’

‘I didn’t like his shoes’

‘he works in IT’

and my favourite….. ‘I didn’t like how he pronounced his Hs’!

Hair, clothes and job titles are irrelevant when it comes to love, and no one is ever going to align with an exhaustive list of ‘non-negotiables’.

Searching for the Missing Piece to ‘Your’ Puzzle?

Many of my clients’ idea of love was someone who met all of theirneeds and ticked all their boxes.

They weren’t acknowledging that a relationship is two unique and independent people entering a journey together.

That they themselves needed to show up and be reciprocal in nurturing the partnership.

Love should enhance the lives of both partners in the relationship.

And it’s a tall order to ask just one person to meet all of our needs.

“Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.”

- Esther Perel, Psychotherapist & expert on relationships and sexuality

As Human Beings, Relationships Are Fundamental to Who We Are

The biggest problem I had with the Matchmaking Agency I worked for was they didn’t offer any personal coaching or counselling services.

To me, it was obvious our clients needed it and essential for their ability to connect with others romantically.

It may seem counterintuitive or selfish to focus on yourself when you desire the love of someone else.

But if you’re not happy by yourself, no one else will be able to create that happiness for you.

I write this from experience, not just as a Matchmaker, but someone who has been in a relationship for 16 years:

Love starts with you.

“Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own.”

- Esther Perel

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