Listen up folks, because this will blow your mind: I have never had caffeine.

I have never started my morning with a cup of coffee. I have never gotten a pick me up in the middle of the day when my energy flagged. I have never had one of those weird caffeine pods they sell at corner stores. I have never thrown back a Red Bull at a bar. I have never had a caffeinated sports drink of any kind in any context. I have never had green or black tea. I have never even had caffeinated medicine (DayQuil, Excedrin, and others).

OK, that’s not strictly true.

• One time when I was 14, I had half a can of Monster to impress my friends. I had stomach cramps that felt like I was being stabbed for three hours.
  See above: Why I do not consume caffeine.
• One time when I was 22, someone gave me pre-workout after telling me it didn’t have caffeine. It did. My resting heart rate rose to 150 bpm. I laid on the floor of the gym to keep myself calm for four hours until it passed.
  See above: Why I do not trust people when they say something has no caffeine.
• One time when I was 25, I wondered if I could tolerate small amounts as an adult and ordered a half-caf Tim Hortons coffee. I drank half of it. My resting heart rate rose to 180 bpm. My boyfriend picked me up off the floor and put me in a hot bath. All I remember is being dizzy.
  See above: Why I will never consume caffeine ever again.

Being forcibly caffeine-free my entire life has given me an interesting perspective on the drug most people claim they could not live without.

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Nobody Needs Caffeine to Stay Awake

When people discover I can’t consume even the smallest amounts of caffeine without a total crisis, one of the first things they ask is “How do you survive!?”, which I’ve always taken to mean “What do you do when you want/need to do something but you are too tired?”

The short answer: I don’t. I listen to my body and go to sleep.

The long answer: I don’t experience these bouts of tiredness in the first place. I’ve almost never felt a five o clock dip, afternoon energy drag, or any of the ailments caffeine drinkers claim to “need” caffeine to overcome. The only time I feel tired is when it’s time to go to bed.

I don’t experience bouts of midday tiredness because I get great sleep, thanks to the absence of caffeine. There is never an afternoon cup of coffee still in my system to fuck with my circadian rhythm when it’s time for bed, so I fall asleep when it’s time to fall asleep, every night. And because I never use caffeine to get started in the morning, my body is never jonesing for that morning cup, and I wake up rested and ready for the day. You know, like we all did when we were kids.

No doctor has ever told me my good sleep comes from an absence of caffeine, but I think it’s from an absence of caffeine.

Studies Show Caffeine is Healthy, But Those Studies Seem Suspicious

There is no shortage of studies that show caffeine is healthy, but those studies seem suspicious, for several reasons:

First, despite having a personality disorder and gastrointestinal issues, I’m in better health than most of the people around me. They are constantly tired, short of energy, and mainlining caffeine to keep going, whereas I don’t even begin to feel tired until 10 PM. What’s that about?

Second, the results are too good to be true. This study claims that for every cup of coffee one drinks, one’s risk of suffering heart failure or stroke goes down 8%. By that logic, heart failure and stroke shouldn’t be among the US’s leading causes of death, given we all slam back coffee like it’s going out of style. It reminds me of those studies that erroneously found that red wine decreases your risk of stroke, only for them to go back and find that once they controlled for disability, (disabled people tend to abstain from alcohol and die earlier from unrelated causes) red wine was clearly associated with poorer heart health. Did the researchers behind this study control for disability, or did they make the same mistake?

Heart.org blatantly admits “Many studies have been done to see if there’s a direct link between caffeine, coffee drinking, and coronary heart disease. The results are conflicting. This may be due to the way the studies were done and confounding dietary factors. However, moderate coffee drinking (1–2 cups per day) doesn’t seem to be harmful.”

And again, I’m reminded of alcohol. People — including medical professionals — say that drinking alcohol in moderate amounts is not harmful, but the truth is that any amount of alcohol is harmful because it is ethanol, which is poisonous to humans. When people say alcohol in moderation is “not harmful,” they don’t mean “truly no harm is done,” they mean “yes, it’s harmful, but the damage is mild and healthy people will be able to recover from it easily.” So is coffee “not harmful” or is it actually not harmful?

Everyone Drinks Too Much Coffee

Every drug, including pharmaceuticals, is unhealthy in some way. Motrin and Tylenol are hard on your liver, antidepressants fuck with your sexual response and mood stability, and birth control can make you infertile. We take pharmaceuticals because they are useful despite their drawbacks.

Drugs that produce a “high” of any kind tend to be more tightly controlled because they are more readily abused. People are likely to consume enough that the positive effect is eclipsed by the negative consequences. Adderall, another stimulant, is a controlled substance only given to people who need it to treat their ADHD.

Doctors don’t tell patients not to drink coffee, but they do tell patients to drink moderate amounts (a Starbucks tall, not a Starbucks venti) and to quit drinking by noon so as to not fuck with their circadian rhythm. I have never in my life seen a caffeine drinker contain themselves to only one cup of coffee or quit by noon. When I go to the local cafe to socialize, much of the 5 PM crowd is still drinking coffee. No wonder they’re exhausted and can’t sleep.

Caffeine Has Proven Negative Effects

Even the “right” amount of coffee still has negative consequences for your health. There are many suggested consequences of caffeine intake, like insomnia, raised blood pressure, and upsetting your stomach, but here are three less widely known, proven negatives of caffeine:

Caffeine causes anxiety and panic attacks

Caffeine causes anxiety in otherwise non-anxious people and causes panic attacks in anxious people. This is vital information for anyone prone to anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety or panic attacks, you need to give up your caffeine pronto.

Caffeine may cause miscarriages

The more caffeine you drink, the greater your chance of spontaneous abortion, and the greater your chance that your baby will have a low birth weight. Not a widely publicized finding, but very important.

Tip for the non-pregnant: If it’s bad for a developing baby, it’s probably not great for you.

Coffee triggers acid reflux and heartburn

Yes, I know, not the scariest thing ever, but coffee is a trigger food for Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD). While GERD is merely annoying in the short term, it increases your risk for esophageal cancer and other gastrointestinal problems. If you have reflux, your regular coffee is making it worse.