The assumption of empathy: Are all designers psychotherapists now?

Empathy, empathy, empathy. It’s a term lavishly tossed about like salt at a fast-food restaurant. As designers, we have become inured to the threadbare pervasiveness that has stripped it of its essential worth. We take its meaning for granted.

Munch, Edvard. “Attraction II.” 1895. Original from The Art Institute of Chicago.[1]

Her name was…empathy.

She moved into an apartment a few doors down from you about the time you started your new job as an entry-level UX Designer fresh from the NYC GA (General Assembly) bootcamp. You were friendly acquaintances, occasionally grabbing a cup of coffee and shooting the breeze when your latest girlfriend canceled on you or you were trying to put off going to the laundromat. You weren’t great friends and there was zero spark of romantic interest. She was, well, sort of plain, but someone you could count on to be there, pick up your mail and feed your cat when you had to fly home for your parents’ anniversary, or check-in to see if you had any food in your fridge when you were stuck with the flu. She was a stalwart contact, someone who was always…around. She had an unusual name. What was it?… Empathy!Though you were neighbors for a few years, spoke countless times, and she always seemed to “get you”, it’s a struggle to recall what the color of her eyes was.

In UX Design, it is verboten to make assumptions. All design decisions must be informed and backed up by quantifiable data. We adhere to rules, standards, and methodologies. We firmly believe that good design is research-driven and, being the prodigious product designers that we are, we are equipped with annotated interviews and surveys, synthesized data, and reams of usability reports in hand ready to defend against any stakeholder’s challenge to why we changed the CTA from midnight blue to cobalt.

Assumptions? That is a dirty word scarcely to be whispered by any self-respecting, decent UX Designer. Shame on me for even mentioning it.

Yet the cornerstone of this now way-past-burgeoning tech field called UX DESIGN is built on the tsunami-sized assumption that everyone, especially professionals who are designing and developing products that the public cannot survive without, knows empirically what empathy is.

Not only do they know what it is but possess a psychotherapist’s deep level understanding of it that were they not to have graduated from GA with their sturdy UXDI certificates, they could have easily landed a job running group therapy sessions at the Albert Ellis Institute.

The basic white T-shirt upon which you build your Design Thinking wardrobe is Empathy. No question as to why, how you got there, or why it’s so crucial; you just better have it, or else. And, God forbid you should ever ask, “What is empathy, anyway?” or “How am I supposed to feel like the user?” It is the de facto, foundational step upon which the tower of UX lives and breathes.

To wonder what empathy feels like or question its value would be akin to asking, “How do you brush your teeth?” You wouldn’t, because to ask these questions would mean risking getting your Michael’s framed design bootcamp certificate ripped off your wall. So, you take a flying, faith-filled leap, blindfolded, hoping you land on that first step, praying that no one roots you out for being the mercenary designer that you are, who majored in graphic design mainly because you had a thing for Futura Black[3] (who your roommate thought was the hot lead singer in a punk band) not because you wanted to save the world.

Though you have not received a calling to save the world, there is an everyday kind of heroism associated with empathy. It is the fundamental point upon which lasting relationships balance, both personal and professional. It is the unsung, unglamorous, emotional hero to whom we turn when we need to inconveniently expand past our own egos.

The industry has high, or rather, highly unrealistic expectations. Empathy is not a birthright bestowed upon the emergent designer. Rather, it is a skill like any other skill such as surfing, driving a car, or meditating. It takes learning, making mistakes, mindful practice, and more practice; maybe leading to mastery at some point. It takes risk and courage. You don’t read about those attributes in the plethora of UX/UI Design job postings. It’s all about wireframing, proficiency in this or that program, and rah rah cross-functional collaboration sis boom bah, never about bravery, risk-taking, and openness, which empathy requires.

What is empathy, you dare to ask? Here is what Merriam-Webster has to say:

Definition of empathy

1 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner[4]

Or, in the words of your elementary school teacher: “Why don’t you try putting yourself in his shoes first?!”

Easier said than done. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is sweaty, hard work. It demands imagination, focus, visualization, vulnerability, an open heart and mind, and above all, presence. In a culture that values soundbites over in-depth prose and rapidly shrinking attention spans are an acceptable trend, presence is a rare gold standard for longevity in any expertise. Basically, empathy necessitates guts because to be willing to feel something foreign and possibly threatening is freakin’ terrifying! Yet, we take it for granted as something anybody can do, just like that, easy-peasy.

You worry that you’re an insensitive lout because you aren’t sure what you should be feeling let alone examining, or thinking that basing an entire budgeted project on squishy emotions seems a tad careless. Rest assured, it is a powerful competence, not because IDEO proclaims so but because you wouldn’t want someone making decisions about the medication you use, the car you drive your kids in, or the smoke alarms in your home without them knowing, intimately, the repercussions were these items to not perform as expected.

How do we learn to empathize or sharpen that skill? The following are suggestions not to be construed as UX Commandments but rather ideas to spark your own empathizing process. In order for a process to endure, you have to find a way to make it your own.

• Start by getting quiet
• Listen
• Try to feel, not judge — yourself or the other
• Stay quiet and try to refrain from mentally running away, even for a second longer
• Take a breath
• Observe (body language, expressions, actions)
• Let the other be seen and heard
• When you feel the urge to interject or reflexively state your opinion, embrace silence instead
• Try to imagine and feel what their experience might be like
• Ask yourself, was there something similar in your own life that you might have experienced?
• Do you recall how that felt?
• Be open to sensing a connection
• And if you don’t, that’s okay too. Remember, empathy is a judgment-free zone.

To quote a well-known RISD alumnus,

“This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco,

this ain’t no fooling around” [5]

Empathy is not for the faint of heart. It’s what separates the men and women from the bébés. And who knows, it might feel good too.

Now that you’ve traveled to a foreign land, maybe you’ve discovered that it isn’t so unfamiliar after all. In fact, it is recognizable territory. That person sitting across from you isn’t such a stranger anymore. You realize that they are on a very similar journey you’ve embarked on before and now you’re excited to share some helpful travel tips. But only if they are interested.

Empathizing can be liberating because in that moment you popped the lock on the Community Chest and grabbed the “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Allowing yourself to be open to another being, grants you a transitory reprieve from your beliefs, desires, and attachments, or maybe slackens the grip on these a bit.

But wait, there is a critical step that supersedes the others and a key reason why our collective empathy chops have gotten dull from neglect: We need to have compassion for ourselves first in order to don the metaphorical Nikes that our client, customer, or partner slips on every day.

Empathy starts within our own selves first. “Of course I know how I feel!”, you scoff. But do you really? It’s easy to numb ourselves with readily accessible narcotics these days: food, TV, streaming media, social media, video games; take your pick. Who can blame us? We deserve a little dopamine pick-me-up when things are difficult, and we can all agree, things have been DIFFICULT lately. However, the more we run from sitting with the uncomfortable feelings that bubble up, the more we cut ourselves off from ourselves and others.

It takes work and fearlessness to be aware and to feel.

“This ain’t no Mudd Club or CBGB

I ain’t got time for that now” [5]

When we experience how another might feel and establish a genuine connection, we part the proscenium’s curtain to reveal a theater of possibility. There is no limit to what can be created and accomplished: products that inspire; a safer, sustainable environment; cared-for animals; more fulfilled, healthy, joyous human beings. What do you see?

About that unseen neighbor down the hall…she wasn’t so plain, was she? She was about as badass as you can get. And the color of her eyes?

They are the same as yours.