10 Ways Not To Create Content For Your Weblog

You know that feeling... the awful sensation that you just can't possibly blog about anything. Nothing inspires you enough. Everything seems too mundane. And, the more you think about blogging, the less you are inclined to blog. What do you do in moments like these?

Well, reading "10 Ways To Create Content For Your Weblog" would be a bad idea. And here is why:

1. Check your Inbox.

   You do this already. If you have a problem generating content, you have surely exhausted all the possibilities of email.

2. Start Blog Hopping.

   Same objection as above, but worse. The reason? If you read other people's blogs for inspiration, you end up blogging about the same thing that other people are blogging about. That's not generating content. That's spreading existing content a little more thinly by doing exactly the same thing as everybody else. This is a highly unimaginative thing to do, it dilutes and cheapens the overall quality of the blogosphere, and EVERYBODY ALREADY DOES IT ANYWAY.

3. Comment in Your Own Blog.

   Mmm, this one comes with all the same objections as #1, but not only that, it's narcissistic! Also, this doesn't actually generate new content. It generates comments on old content.

4. Read, Listen To, or Watch the News.

   Good idea, but make sure you read a neutral news source. American news networks, and I say this in all honesty, are sensationalist, distort facts and, in the words of a famous man, are hurting America. Read the BBC. The BBC is legally required to present neutral, balanced coverage, and gets into trouble with the UK government if it doesn't. Read a neutral news source and FORM YOUR OWN OPINION instead of buying what the networks are telling you about everybody being about to die.

5. Give Memes or Collaborations a Go.

   AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. MY BRAIN.

   To be more specific: Memes and collaborations aren't content. Questionnaires, quizzes, "What [noun] are you?", top tens, top hundreds, collaborations, or indeed anything which loads of other people are doing: THESE DO NOT CONSTITUTE CONTENT. They are the PRECISE OPPOSITE of content. They are mindless, witless FILLER. They contain zero originality. They TAKE UP SPACE AND NOTHING MORE. YOU ARE BETTER OFF LEAVING YOUR BLOG BLANK THAN ADDING STUFF LIKE THIS. I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS.

6. Create Lists.

   NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Once again: this isn't content. This is anti-content. This is a horrible, unimaginative, vacant, stultifyingly pointless activity. DO NOT MAKE LISTS.

7. Play Games, Answer Surveys, or Take Quizzes.

   GYARGH.

8. Blog at Random. One way to do this is to pick up a dictionary or encyclopedia, open to a random page, and then write about a word, phrase or sentence that you find on that particular page... [etc.]

   Yeah! Just write as much as you can on the subject of *opens dictionary at random* "pustule (n.)". That's a GREAT way to come up with insightful prose: regimented BSing. What the hell is this doing here? Why not just copy text from Wikipedia? Hey, how about we all just bash the keyboard at random for ten minutes and post whatever we come up with? ROFLOL

9. Be a Sleuth! Are there things that you've always wondered about but never found the opportunity to get the facts? [...] Check search engines, almanacs, and other sources of information. Then, start blogging your findings!

   Here's a handy tip: if you manage to find this information on the internet, then IT'S ALREADY AVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET AND YOU DON'T NEED TO POST IT AGAIN. This IS tantamount to simply copying pages from Wikipedia.

10. Do Something New. [...] Just get out there and live your life.

    OH MY GOODNESS! DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME? One of the 10 best ways to seek inspiration for new content is to - get this - go out and seek inspiration? Unbelievable!

You want my advice for this situation? No, you probably don't, because there's a 95% chance I just insulted everything you've ever put online, but here it is anyway.

IF YOU CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO WRITE, STOP WRITING!

Pointless blogs waste the time, money and bandwidth of millions of people worldwide.

Thank you.

Footnote

I am aware of the bitter irony here. In my defence, 1) this site is not a blog and 2) this article was written on inspiration, not ground out to fill space.