The annual ritual: An airing of iOS grievances

Yes, it’s time again for the exercise we go through literally every year, like the running of the bulls, it’s time to declare this year’s iOS update to be the worst ever!

Writing for Gizmodo, Adam Clark Estes says “iOS 11 Is Killing Me.”

Softly with its love? Killing you softly?

No! Like in the face! Angrily! Because so many bugs!

One thing is for sure, this isn’t like before when there were no problems with iOS updates.

2016: “Apple’s iOS 10 update is causing major problems for some users.”

2015: “Apple iOS 9.1 Release Admits To Serious Problems.”

2014: “Apple’s iOS 8 Is Brimming With Bugs.”

2013: “Warning: Your just-updated iOS 7 iPhone has a serious security bug.”

2012: “iOS 6 Bug Lets Anyone Unlock Your Phone Without a Passcode.”

2011: “Apple Has a Serious Security Issue with iOS 5 iPad.”

And so on and so on all the way back to iPhone OS 1 which had the very serious flaw of having a software keyboard instead of a hardware one.

The new operating system has turned my phone into a bug-infested carcass of its former self…

Yes, I know the plural of “anecdote” is not “data” but let me assure you that my anecdotes are the best anecdotes. Artisanal and hand-curated, they are nigh-data-like in their veracity and ability to speak volumes.

Plenty of people have qualms with the design. A couple months ago, my former co-worker Jesus Diaz wrote a spirited and well argued piece in Fast Company…

Yes! Let us refer to the sensible and very reasonable words of your esteemed colleague (who just happens to be the same guy who paid for a stolen iPhone 4) in his artfully crafted and seminal work entitled “iOS 11 Sucks.”

I’m using iOS 11 right now, and it makes me want to stab my eyes with a steel wire brush until I get face jam.

Ah! Indeed! It offends thine eyes! Out, out, damned software!

Tim Cook and his mariachis claim this is their best operating system yet…

Based on features. Psh. Like, they “added” “things” that the software can “do.” Whatever.

To prove his point, Diaz details a number of interface glitches and inconsistencies including the fact that “they are not optically centering the temperature” in the Weather app.

LIGHT YOUR IPHONE ON FIRE AS A WARNING TO ALL SMARTPHONE MANUFACTURERS THAT THIS WILL NOT STAND.

Haha, just kidding, Apple’s the only company that gets scrutiny like this. You other phones are fine.

Okay, so, note taken: it’s not just Estes who hates iOS 11, it is also people who harbor long-standing grudges against Apple. The Macalope concedes the point. Let’s move on.

Estes details some problems he’s had with iOS 11, including several bugs in Messages.

But other native iOS 11 apps have bugs, too. Until a recent update, my iPhone screen would become unresponsive…

You’re complaining about a bug that Apple fixed. Um… okay.

…which is a problem because touching the screen is almost the only way to use the device.

Is a problem, was a problem. What difference does it make? What are verb tenses anyway but human constructs designed to note transition states throughout time?! Haha, nothing matters, soon we die.

The Phone app also has a cool bug, where I can only access my voicemail periodically. … These could be carrier issues…

It may not be a bug in iOS 11 at all but we’ll throw it in because this complaint stew ain’t gonna make itself.

…but still, the glitches shatters [sic] the image that Apple builds flawless products.

That might be your problem right there. Well, it might be if the Macalope really believed you thought that but you probably don’t think that, you just think that stereotypically dunderheaded Apple customers think that. Back here in our Earth reality, however, anyone who has used an Apple product for any length of time knows they have bugs.

Apple has even been forced to admit that the app contained some glitches, when it pushed out an update…

Bug fixes are not welcome relief, they are admissions that there is a very serious problem. Okay, yes, which has been fixed. But the hurting? That goes on forever.

See, Estes doesn’t want his check now, he wants it 15 minutes ago when he asked for it!

I don’t even want to detail every single bug or design flaw in iOS 11 because that would be both whiny and boring.

No, instead what you want to do is throw a few down on the page and then declare iOS 11 THE WORST UPDATE EVER.

The dumb thing is, there is a way to write this piece that isn’t so gobsmackingly hyperbolic. And that is to, yes, actually detail as many iOS 11 flaws as you can and then say “I don’t have statistics, but it feels to me like iOS 11 might be the worst update Apple has shipped.” That is a valid opinion you can have based on your intuition! It is not, however, a guaranteed fact.

Then again, back when the iPhone 4 came out and it felt like Apple could do no wrong, smartphones were a lot simpler.

Life was a lot simpler, dude. There were like a tenth the number of Oreo flavors seven years ago. Now we’re about one week away from “Sea Urchin Oreos!”

It is a little ironic to hear that “Apple could do no wrong” back when it released the phone that launched “Antennagate.” True story: there have always been problems. Even in the first iPhone.

Apple should, of course, fix the bugs Estes and Diaz detail. Ideally, yeah, it wouldn’t ship them in the first place but here we are. Is there is a possibility that iOS 11 is worse than previous iterations of iOS? Sure. That hasn’t been this horned observer’s experience but it’s possible. But Estes doesn’t know that and his evidence for it is really weak.