Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

Second, the first and best piece of advice I can give is: find and talk to a therapist (assuming you haven't already). It was probably the best decision I made when I was in a similar place to the one you've described, and the perspective shift I internalized as a result of those sessions has continued to benefit me in the subsequent years, in good times and bad.

Third, I wholeheartedly echo what many other commenters have said RE: Tinder and social media more generally - they're not going to help you get through this and in fact are probably making things worse, as you've already observed. These sites won't do anything more than reflect back to you what you're already feeling, for good or ill.

Beyond that, into some "squishier" observations and suggestions -

- The problems you describe are ones that I've only come to appreciate the significance of as I've aged; they would have sounded superfluous or insignificant to me as a teenager, maybe, but I know better now. You're right to take your feelings seriously!

- Rather a shot in the dark here, but: is there something you've wanted out of your own life, or some part of who you feel you might be, that you've ignored or suppressed or compartmentalized away because you think it's "not who you are" or something like that?

- You are absolutely right to feel that you are not alone in dealing with these issues!

- There is no "normal," and there's nothing and nobody that you are "supposed to be." This is not to say that our culture and society has not presented you with images of a particular set of ideals for literally your entire life, to the point where just figuring out what to start questioning is a years-long project - but it's true all the same.

- This, too, shall pass.

It's also disgusting that these apps take advantage of vulnerable young men desperate for connection by up-selling them on an endlessly growing list of paid add-ons that supposedly increase your odds of finding a partner (Boosts, Super Likes, Plus, Super Boost, Plus, Gold, Platinum, it never ends). Unfortunately, society at large does not really care that much about young men's mental health as much, so you won't see the media covering this predatory behavior targeting men.

IMO dating apps are probably doing more harm than good to young men in general, I think you're going to have to find ways to socialize in person. Maybe Meetups (the site/app) but don't just stick to coding stuff, branch out.

Also, I heard Tinder is like 70%+ male. Tinder is just not a good app for average guys.

Actually I know even above average guys (handsome, jacked, top 5-10% income) who don't have as much success as you might think (they can get women, but they have to jump through a lot of hoops just to get a woman who is quite frankly below their level, objectively speaking. To the point they question if it's even worth doing the dancing monkey routine.) They usually find women are far more receptive IRL compared to on the dating apps.

The Tinder game is so horrible, 5% of the women get the attention of 80% of the men or more, leaving both the men and women in the other group feeling like there is something wrong with them. People feel the need to edit themselves in order to fit the false narrative created by these gamified dating scenarios, or else experience the fear of dying alone.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Our complicated, 3-dimensional, deep, personalities and lives are not meant to be reduced to a catalog, best consumed on the toilet, dismissed or accepted instantly based upon a false presentation designed to harness the evolutionary biology of actual living beings.

For money.

This is not constrained to human society. There is an amusing anecdote of the Australian Jewel Beetle that also experiences the Tinder Effect. This nearly caused their extinction. I encourage you to watch Donald Hoffman's 2015 TED Talk "Do we see reality as it is?"[0] linked below for your convenience. I've timestamped the relevant section, skip forward about 100 seconds or so for the direct discussion of the Australian jewel beetle.

[0] - https://youtu.be/oYp5XuGYqqY?t=349

While most of the talk is great, he just handwaves the idea that reality is not "brains and neurons," nor what physicists try to model, but he makes no effort in explaining what's the difference between "reality" and "physics."

It would be great if someone who understood that last part could explain it.

Consider Emmanuel Kant's Rose Colored glasses for a moment before dismissing Hoffman's ideas outright. This idea has been brushed against before, I find it very interesting and supplies a lot of fertile earth to till.

If you would like to engage further, I recommend Curt Jaimungal's multi-hour conversation with Dr. Hoffman on his podcast "Theories of Everything".

The link to his youtube video of the discussion is here, it's available on the podcast RSS feeds too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmieNQH7Q4w

We're not alone buddy, many men are experiencing the same frustrations with the humiliating/degrading jester routine of online dating, it's just that men suffer in silence in this society so it doesn't get talked about a lot. Online dating is filled with a lot of BS games like this, especially for men.

People (generalizing here) are attracted to happy, engaged, healthy people. Attractiveness markers are health markers. If you find yourself with an internal voice telling you you are bad or wrong or not good enough, may I humbly suggest adopting this mantra in their place: "I can become good at anything."

because you can.

Here are things to consider doing

- drastically reduce the amount of time you spend behind a screen (even immediately throw away a lot of math/science/etc paraphernalia)

- join a regular gym

- start lifting weights

- join a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym

- sincerely evaluate your style of dress (do you give off a feminine-milquetoast or masculine vibe) visit Reddit, etc for ideas

- if you are a gamer, immediately stop

- sign up for volunteering / toastmasters / improv class / races / all varieties of dancing / meetups / doordash / Uber driver (point being, meet more people, put yourself out there way more)

To all the young men out there in particular... live up to your potential, man. You're only going to be in your 20s once. You don't want to spend it all waddling around in cargo shorts with messy hair. Lose the weight, lift some barbells, eat more protein, buy a Seiko, iron your work shirt, layer your clothes, try a skincare routine, and look as good as you possibly can. You'll become more confident, and people love confidence, so you'll be even more liked.

Hard disagree there. Yes, gaming can be addicting, but that is also the case with basically all habits. If you easily get addicted to games, then I would suggest sticking to shorter single-player games.

I would add reading (fiction or non-programming books) and traveling to the list of things to spend more time and money on.

On the positive side, it can sometimes provide people with a needed social outlet, at least if it's an online social game.

It can also sometimes stimulate a mind that's depressed and lethargic, giving it a much needed jump-start so to speak which carries over into other productive tasks.

Conversely, it can get you addicted to and dependent on quick and easy dopamine hits, killing your ability to focus for extended durations needed for any kind of productive work. It can also cause mental fatigue that makes committing to or completing non-trivial tasks difficult or impossible.

Gamers have to be aware of both effects, and honest with themselves about which are occurring, and willing to change their behavior if they observe the negative ones.

And I /second reading and traveling as better uses of time and money.

20 "Gaming is fun but it isn't improving my reality."

30 "Improving my reality doesn't feel fun at all."

40 GOTO 10

This cycle was all too real for me. But like you said it is neither positive or negative. It depends entirely on the individual.

I think the best way to sum up the very negative aspects of gaming is their fake progress. To use the 4 quadrant model, gaming usually belongs in the not-important quadrant with mostly not-urgent. But most game environments create their own 4 quadrant sub world. The issue then appears because those urgent and important and the various combinations thereof then mess with the real reward systems. The game world is temporarily real enough due to immersion so it becomes real. Your real reward systems light up and take action: More! Do this! So you do.

So the game gives your brain all sorts of these varied set ups where the quadrants apply and you have to prioritise. You make successful decisions and your reward systems kick in. The game says, "here is a problem that exists". You solve it and your brain, unable to really tell the difference says "ok we need to do more of that". So it allocates resources to improve. And you do.

But its all fake. Fake progress. Fake accomplishments. Because its all fake, the reward centers get messed up. You know its fake. But your brain isn't great at really knowing fully that its fake. Regardless, you're now spending resources solving the game instead of the real world. The rewards become twisted as weak form punishments. Every time you realise that in the real world you arent progressing as much as you could you are effectively punished again.

None of this says you cannot play games or that they are not helpful. But like all escapes, its important to not close the door back to reality. Otherwise they become prisons.

First, I do think there’s value to much of what you’re saying.

With that said, if time spent writing code is becoming an escapist activity, and if one is escaping from sufficiently dark demons, consider speaking with a therapist as well.

I realize this will not apply to all readers, but the trouble with this advice starts if there is depression involved. “Just be more positive”, “Just stop doing the things that currently make you feel safe and a bit more ok”.

Until you address the root cause, it’s going to be difficult to implement these changes effectively.

And if you do, you might find a happy medium (I’m getting closer every day), where programming or gaming is just a thing I love (and continue to do), and not something I have to use to escape.

Throw away your nerdy shit, get ripped in the gym, learn martial arts and dress well.

All that’s fine if that’s what you want but I don’t think it’s particularly aspirational for everyone. Even if elements like regular exercise and broadened activities are pretty universal good advice.

It’s also of it’s time and reading this feels like a lot of the advice givers are quite a bit older. The generation in their early twenties have different social mores and aspirations.

Are you making a value judgment on which style is right and wrong?

I had a friend who hatred coding again, but got a job doing we dev for a vegan charity and that was it, he was back in the room since animal welfare was a major passion of his.

Find what it is you love (or at least like) and a job that will give you at least a small portion of that.

You must learn to love yourself. It's a difficult road but it's arguably the most important one you'll ever take.

People can definitely fall into the intellectual pit. They then abuse intellectual pursuits to distance themselves from reality. Fake challenges, fake problems, fake solutions, fake progress. If they later reconnect with reality, they discover they can use their intellect and physicality to solve real problems for real people. Along the way they connect to those real people and the very much broader reality in general. Often resulting in interesting stories to tell as well.

None of this is actually anti-intellectual or anti-programming.

#1 Don't harm yourself. You are in a rough patch. It will be over at some point. Life is really very hard some times, but not all the time. Some times it is really fun and lovely. Those times will come again.

#2 Whenever you do something (work on a project/spend time with people/walk in nature/check in with social media) ask yourself do you feel better, healthier, happier, stronger after this activity or do you feel worse. Focus on those people and activities that "fill your bucket". To the greatest degree possible avoid people and actives that empty your bucket.

#3 Don't worry about it too much. Take it easy on yourself and be patient with yourself. Do worry too much about social media profiles. They aren't real. To the degree they are real, they are not the full story. Just try to have a good time where ever you can. Be nice to yourself.

Please speak to a professional, you are not alone.

In the meantime, here are some of my own "no bullshit mantras" I found comforting in similar times, mostly from Zen Bhuddism :

* You are not supposed to be anywhere. Your only real obligation is to be you, now.

* There is no "better" version of you now. There is no other way to be you now. In fact, there is no other way to be, but to be what you are.

* What you are is beautiful, no matter who you are. I don't mean the Aguilera song, I mean it's literally a miracle that you're here now.

* Everything is as it is. There's no point in feeling guilty for things being the way they are, rather than the way you or someone else would have them. In a world where time only flows one way, every "ought" is an illusion.

If you like these ideas, I highly recommend meditation, such ideas are much easier to contemplate with a calm mind. I hear Alan Watts has good talks about this available on Youtube. Mindfulness meditation has also been associated with improvements in mental health (you can find many studies about this on Google Scholar).

https://terebess.hu/zen/mesterek/Zen-Mind.pdf

You’re still suuper young & have much life yet to enjoy. Get through this funk / these strange times & do what you can to keep your head up :)

And don't kill yourself. At 23 the world is your god damned oyster even if it doesn't look like it. Your back probably hasn't even gotten achey yet.

Step 2: Take it from someone who was were you are at 23, but now 42: effects of early life disadvantages, disasters and even seemingly set personality traits (I'm an INTJ) disappear or smooth out over time. Also, you have oodles of time. At my age, I still have more productive adult years ahead of me than behind me.

Step 3: "Everything is a signal in the brain" is something I used to tell myself back then. Trying to change your brain state by changing the external world can be inefficient, especially if you have your basic needs met already. Work internally. Which is why speaking to a therapist matters.

Step 4: Get out of the house (provided you're not on lockdown). Force yourself to go to public gatherings or public places. It will feel unnatural at first, but remember that what feels natural is what you're used to. Get used to it. Staying at home is a recipe for sending your brain into unhealthy feedback loops.

You are 23 and unmarried, presumably without chilren. That is very young and very free. That doesn't mean you don't have real problems, but it means you have lots of options to change. You can steer your life in any direction you want at this point.

If you're not homeless or incarcerated, you're definitely not a "complete failure in life."

You probably aren't lost, just listless. Satisfaction in life comes from picking a direction and pursuing it, whether it is a career, a family, an art, or something else. It can be hard to figure out what that is, because the options are overwhelming.

I'd recommend putting your efforts towards figuring out what you want to do with your life, and then start down that path. Once you're making some progress and are in a better mental state, then tackle the online dating game (or maybe you'll happen to find someone along the way).

I’ve met a lot of women from tinder and I can’t decide if this is a sad fact or encouraging to someone who doesn’t feel “good enough”, but you really can count on the profile to be a complete fiction in most cases. This is really useful though, if you can stop being impressed by the polished hotties and find the ones who are gems under the surface.

Either that or ditch tinder altogether. I don’t use it anymore but I still think it’s really useful as a tool if your only goal is finding someone to have a conversation with over a drink, and the expectation that you will NOT be making some kind of “love connection” with this person but it will be a fun experience anyway. Once you get there, you magically transform from a sweaty nervous loser on a “first date” to an actual person that the woman you’re having a drink with actually has a chance of finding interesting and charming. That’s the best tinder advice I can give and I really wish someone had given it to me when I was 23.

...you get a little older, and you realize everyone’s struggling in their own unique way, and trying to hide it. Social media distorts things even more. No one is living that perfect life you think they are. No one. Not a single one.

I worked for Facebook for a while and the only social media account I have left is Facebook, and only to keep in touch with my friends from Facebook. I deleted Instagram, I never used Tiktok or WhatsApp, I met my wife in real life.

I had to quit Facebook, it amplified my depression.

I met my first wife IRL, in high school.

I met my second wife IRL, in a language class. She was the teacher.

What was the big move? Little did I know it back then, but the solution has many parallels with non-convex optimization: I got the heck out of the local minimum I was stuck in life - moved continents, changed careers, changed the people in my life, changed the culture around me.

Concretely, I went to grad school abroad and settled there. It took adjusting and lots of work, but I now make multiples of my previous salary, dated beautiful women I never would have in my local culture and had a choice of awesome people to become my close friends.

You might be stuck in a local minimum too - starting anew can be good for you if you manage to do it. Maybe you won't even need to go to a new continent, but the lesson is, make big changes!

If you found yourself at a house party and you found a particular room annoying, depressing, boring, etc, you'd go find a different room. Change the scenery.

Trying something new like moving to a new city or country is certainly an option. But another surprisingly low effort way to achieve something similar is to pick up a new hobby, start working out and eating right, etc.

I personally found myself in a terrible rutt in my mid twenties. I couldn't imagine a future where things were better.

I decided to get into shape, which gave me a huge boost in confidence and outlook. I decided to read some books on topics I was always curious about and realized how little I knew about the world around me. I really tried to broaden my perspective and at the same time, develop an idea for who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with life.

But it all starts with deciding to make that change.

There's so much out there, and OP's current situation is an infinitely small slice of what life has to offer.

2) Forget Tinder, and other social media too. It's just something to make you feel bad looking at the rest of the world's highlight reel.

3) You're not yet 23. You haven't failed at life, because—frankly—you haven't had a chance to live any of it yet.

4) Get off screens and go outside. Go for a walk near trees in the sun.

5) If you've got friends, ask to spend time with them. Doesn't matter what activity.

6) If you're short on friends, start making some new ones through shared activities. Sports, hobby classes, fellow dog owners at the dog park, whatever works best for you.

7) Get your sleep, diet, and exercise in order. These are foundational to feeling good and doing well at anything else over the long term. Ignore them at your peril.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I agree with most of the advice in this thread, but I'll also say if you're feeling like you have the urge to take your life, please wait that feeling out. I'm writing this home alone on a Friday night, so trust me when I say I've been there and I feel a similar type of loneliness in my life.

One thing I've been focusing on is trying to adopt one healthy habit a month. Just one. Many of the replies are giving good suggestions as to which habits to form (going outside, volunteering, working out, etc) but if you are feeling overwhelmed by this response, just pick one and do that for a month. Then add another. Your first few months are just about not feeling like shit. Once that stops, you can direct your life better because you will be more in touch with yourself.

Re: suicide, the best thing you can do when you feel this way is wait it out. Almost everyone who waits out this urge (and even depression) feels it pass. If you have someone in your life like this, it helps to just be with someone. You don't have to talk or do anything with them. You can consciously sit and do nothing, but do it in the presence of someone who cares for you. That's helped me.

This is most just from my experiences with depression and listlessness, so if something doesn't work, just ignore it. Again, I'm sorry you feel this way, but wait it out and build good habits slowly and hopefully things will start feeling better for you.

Godspeed my friend

Just because you're not having the outcomes that you want does not mean you're a failure.

Depression and feelings of inadequacy and failure are a vicious circle, because ... depression makes it hard to succeed.

Depression also makes it hard to connect with people, and hard to stay connected.

Depression also makes it hard to take care of yourself.

Try to find a primary care physician, or a therapist, or a similar professional. If you don't like who you find, for whatever reason, find a different one.

Treat them like a project manager. Be sure to be actively involved in choosing your management tactics.

I've tried suicide twice. Once when I was five. Once when I was about your age. I'm 63 now, and I'm glad that I didn't succeed.

Only within the last ten years did I ask for professional help. It saved my life. Most of my life prior was like dental work without novacaine.

Two of the things that have helped me (YMMV) are a prescription, and a career change.

How about 39? Asking for a friend.

That said, I will give my unprofessional opinion on the chance is the insight you need.

I think human connection through a community will help you more than through dating. Go on a quest on the internet to find those people that you enjoy hanging around and, with time, you would feel comfortable sharing these feelings without a throwaway account, even if you never do actually share. Just try to find people that makes you feel better, not worse, when you are with them.

Could work colleagues, board game enthusiasts, fellow students in a creative writing class, some online game, book club, running club, anything. Go explore and keep trying until you find your tribe.

I honestly think this is a strong biological cheat around depression that is a great jumping off point for many people.

Not everything in life needs to be gamified and you can make an "app" to track gym/life progress yourself with just excell/google sheets to track progressive overload/your measures and your phone to see visual changes in your body.

Honestly, the best remedy is find new hobbies. Some people mentioned sports/martial arts and religion/spiritualism, those are all fine options, and there are many more: cooking, gardening, biking, music classes, adopting a puppy, etc.

"Being a loser" is just a perception. Unlike what society might lead you to believe, nobody gets to decide that you're a "loser" based on some arbitrary metric.

You sound like you're into programming so obviously there are things that bring you joy. You just may not have found other joyful activities yet, so just go out there and try new things.

Life is too good of an opportunity to waste with suicide

So true. And true of FB, Twitter, etc.

But ultimately OP needs to get off Tinder not because it's bad for his self esteem. Mostly because he probably doesn't even have the appropriate aptitude to date at this time. Also, do not go into dating because you don't want to be lonely. Girls want to be your anchor, not the other way around. The cultural stereotypes of "the 'ol ball n chain" exist because the people who actually are in relationships understand this social dynamic. It's the people that aren't that don't.

Tinder is superficial bullshit. Your lack of matches there isn't significant, and what you see there are often false images. Those people aren't as accomplished or handsome/pretty as they appear there.

I don't have any magic words to tell you, but it does get better for almost everyone going through what you are going through.

I find that I feel much better if I get out and walk. Finding someone to talk to helps. You could try therapy; the first person you find might not be the right one.

The last 1.5 years has been extremely lonely time for a lot of people around the world. Take a little bit of relief in knowing a huge percentage of the entire world is in the same boat as you. You're not alone, you're not unique in this loneliness.

Forgive yourself. This is the most important part. I don't believe you're a complete failure in life, but even if you are, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Tell yourself, okay you made a mistake and you're human, but you forgive yourself and move on. Drop the shackles of shame and anger at yourself by forgiving yourself and move on. Otherwise the shame you feel will never go away. You're exceedingly young, and you can motivate yourself to put yourself in a position to be happy.

As the world starts opening up through the rest of this year, do your best to get out and socialize. Understand that the next couple of years will be hard but learn how to socialize the same way you learn mathematics and programming. Trial and error and many, many attempts. You will get better at it.

You need to find your people. Those that share similar interests or similar sense of humor, etc. People you can talk to in real life. If you can work in person, do this.

Tinder and all online dating apps are 100% based on looks. I am not particularly good looking and when I tried match.com (I'm over double your age) it was a disaster. If I needed to use Tinder today, it would be a disaster as well. But I've been able to find my fair share of girlfriends because I can carry a conversation and I inherently like talking with people. Find others that you can talk to and then try to meet people that way. It sounds hard, and it is. But keep on trying over and over and over again. That's the way you get better.

I hope you won't. People in my family have a lot of mental health problems, including depression, suicide attempts and involuntary commitment to the hospital. When this is happening, you brain is broken. It's lying to you, telling you that it can never get better. But it can get better.

I debated dropping out of school when I was 20 or so -- I felt like a failure academically, and like I couldn't cut it. Luckily, my program's director encouraged me and persuaded me to stick with it. But at the time, I was 100% convinced I was garbage. My brain was lying to me. I can see that now.

There's no sure-fire solution. For some people, therapy helps. For others, medication. For others, exercise. For others, huge lifestyle changes. I don't know how to help you, and I don't know that it will be easy or without relapses. I just know that you deserve the chance to be happy. My email's in my bio if you want to talk.

When I moved to a young friendly and population dense city in Europe, and upgraded my photos, I started getting more matches. So there's that. Also even if you do get matches, only like 20% even respond to messages and only half of those turn into a first date. Ask me how I know.

I pretty much had no close friends or self confidence up until age 25, when I started working. It was a pretty dead end job but I focused on being good at it and upped my social skills in the process. Before then, I spent most of my time alone and wishing people would notice my 'excellent qualities' (they didn't). I learned that people (including myself) really only care about how they themselves feel, so if you can make people laugh or feel good, they will want to be around you.

Oh as for the recommendation to lift weights - I second it. You don't have to join a gym though - a pull-up bar, kettlebell, jump rope, will go a long way, and don't take up much space.

I'm 35 now. After working for 9 years I am on a long sabbatical and feeling a bit lost again. The difference now is I now have a few close friends and therefore not lonely anymore. I still have social anxiety but it's much better now.

Added with low self esteem, disconnectedness, zero social life. (I am usually not that kind of person, I generally attract people easily in a social setup).

I cried at nights, lot of sleepless nights. Just drifting through. Lost some of my precious prime time on that. Feeling worthless (I was doing extremely well at work) and suicidal thoughts as well.

Life changes to a better state sooner or later. Now I am married to a beautiful person for 6 years. My friends and family come to me when they feel bad about some issue. That’s the full 180 degree transformation.

My point is it will happen to you as well. You are too young now. Being human is precious, never entertain thoughts about throwing it away. It’s just temporary stage in your life. Life will turn for better. Much better than your own expectations.

Meantime as others said - do physical workout. Mind will come under control when you work your body out.

Meditate.

If spending time with your age folks is draining you, pick some of the matured ones or spend time with older folks or help kids through some program.

Please don’t compare your life with anyone else especially through social media lens. Most likely they may not be true as people project.

Volunteer.

You are too young to judge your own life. You have a lot more things in store in your life. Definitely talk to some older folks who had seen it all, you will get a different perspective about life.

If you are not harming anyone or yourself, you are already a great person.

Remember someday someone else would be in need of you to lift them up. Be there for them.

Stay calm.

First, I want you to know these feelings are reasonable and you’re not alone in feeling that way.

Second, while it may seem hopeless or insurmountable, you can make changes.

You have an opportunity now in front of you. You have identified an area in life where you feel inadequate. But you don’t have to feel that way permanently. You can make changes to build up your experience in that area. And I totally understand that it feels hard to know where to start, how to make progress, or whether it’s possible. It can feel demoralizing. But if you’re up for the challenge, you can grow.

I have often felt this way and I’ve slowly improved over time — now I’m 28 and have done a number of things I saw everyone else doing when I was 22 feeling like I had already thrown away my life.

If you’re open to chatting about it and think it would be helpful, shoot me an email: skylar.b.payne (at) gmail.com.

Wishing you peace

I am much, much older than you, and how I wish I was your age and had pretty much my whole life ahead of me.

You could still accomplish so much, if that's what you want to do.

Just think of it. Could you save one life? I bet you could. Maybe you could save many lives, if you set your mind to it... but even saving one life is a lot more than many people do.

Often it is service to others that is most fulfilling. Consider volunteering at some place that's doing work you value. Apart from helping others in ways you care about, you can connect with others who share your deepest values, which are the best types of connections to make.. much better than the kind of connections you're likely to make on Tinder.

You could also pursue many other paths. You are pretty much all potential at this point.

Regarding loneliness, I've found that one of the best cures for that is learning to enjoy your own company and be your own best friend... that takes learning to like, even love yourself (not in a way that sets you above or ahead of anyone else, but in the sense that you have compassion for yourself and take care of yourself instead of being self-destructive and full of self-loathing). Be curious about the world, develop new interests, learn, do. Once you like yourself and enjoy your own company, you'll find others are more likely to enjoy your company too.

But you do have to reach out to others too.. not just cocoon yourself up at home or swipe on dating sites. Try going in person to meetups of people who share your (hopefully many) interests. Then, try to really connect with some of these people on a more than superficial level (this can take time and effort, but that's the only way it's going to happen.. there are no shortcuts). Try to find people who inspire and motivate you, and avoid those that bring you down and sabotage you. And, of course, don't self-sabotage.. that's the biggest trap. Many people are their own worst enemies. Try to find the wise course of action and actually follow through.

I could go on, but this post is way too long already. Hope some of it helped...

You will

get active and fit

get outside and get some Vitamin D

have to concentrate and invest in something

dress decently

But more importantly:

your diary will fill up

you will have to hold a conversation

meet lots of other people.

Simple 1970s solutions.

I'm not going to lie, my life for the past 4 years hasn't been particularly easy, largely due to family issues, but generally it turned out alright, Certainly exceeded my expectations from when I was your age.

I suppose I was always a bit antisocial - never really enjoyed interacting with others, I preferred reading/listening as opposed to writing/talking. That said, the pandemic did cut off pretty much all interactions I had with others and that started getting to me a bit. And I guess it was luck but around july last year I was presented with an opportunity to get a dog. And after meeting the puppy it was settled and it's been one of the best descisions I've ever made and I suggest you give that a thought as well and consider a breed that is known for their intelligence. It's a double edged blade, since clever dogs tend to be a lot more hyperactive and require more attention, it's absolutely astonishing to watch them evaluate and adapt to complex situations. "How the hell did you figure that one out" becomes the norm. At this point I have absolutely no desire to interact with people.

Also as others pointed out - gym.

People

- Friendship is a two-way street. Waiting passively is not the way to go. Don't be across of rejection. Someone has to initiate the process and there's nothing wrong with the person being you. Just imagine it is equally hard for others to start taking to you.

- Acquaintance conversion can be a thing. Do you hang out at the same cafe / restaurant often? Start talking more to people there, can be either the staff or the customers. If you are afraid, try with those that you have seen for a few times and more friendly looking. You might end up with a good friend or the worst case some discount or freebie.

Hobby beyond programming

- I think it's essential to have another hobby apart from programming, which involves going outside the room and seeing people. We need to feel the society in some way after being alone for too long. In my case I really enjoyed walking, and it doesn't have to be together with others. Just walk in some densely populated areas such as malls or CBD or tourist area. You will feel more lifted when you are physically close to other people. It's also a good chance to initiate conversations.

- Finding a hobby group. Other hobby suggestions include weight lifting or photography. Try finding a local group for such activities to avoid the feeling of loneliness. Meetup.com, Facebook, Instagram are some of the avenues.

- Try to set goals for yourself if you have lost purpose in life. It can be something challenging or silly. As with programming, you can be quantitative in the goals. For example, eating healthy for a month, saving 100k in one year. Personally I set a goal of retiring at 35 and it's doing wonders to my motivation to work and expanding my income streams.

(I might add more as I recall them)

I’ve seen some good suggestions in the comments about social opportunities. But let your curiosity drive you. For some people it’s a jiu jitsu gym, for others it’s church. Other people have D&D or Magic. Just pick something and approach it with your engineering practicality.

Most importantly, above everything, go talk to a mental health professional and tel them you are experiencing depression and thinking about suicide.

One actionable thing you can do starting tomorrow or when convenient is to start working out. Start with calisthenics and move to lifting weights when you feel comfortable. The most important thing is consistency. You're gonna be doing a lot of work to get to where you want, so you can't stay at the same level of fitness. You need to keep getting stronger, so that your body and mind can handle more and more, so that what were previously mountains become anthills you can walk right over.

Here's what will happen:

- You will meet many new interesting people.

- You will make new friends, raising your chances of meeting your romantic partner.

- You will feel very satisfied seeing your work directly benefit someone in a much more precarious situation than yours.

- You will get physically active and take more sun, improving your cerebral chemistry which in turn will make you feel happier and more fulfilled.

- You will get a new outlook on life, reframing your current problems and coming up with new ways to deal with issues.

Beats being dead, don't you think?

Still agree with the general concept.

My 2c is to stop looking at social media and try to meet people in real life. Increase your connections and expand the network from there. Your loneliness will fade away in a matter of few weeks.

Life is surprising. You have no idea what you will be doing in 5 years, and there is every chance that you will find currently unimaginable happiness. Finding out what form that happiness takes is the adventure. It might be travel, it might be love, it might be proving the Jacobson's conjecture. Find out!

Why do you say this? Because you aren't living the life of others? Because for whatever reasons you chose to program and do math instead of socialising and building social skills and friendship/relationships?

Maybe you are being too hard on yourself? After all you don't know what you don't know and even if you knew the decisions you made were going to result in this much suffering you never would have chose them to begin with.

The only thing you lack by the sounds of things is wisdom and perspective but you had to get to this point in order to have a genuine thirst and appreciation for them.

You are in the eye of the storm and it hurts. It feels like it will never end but it will. Let it pass like a thunderstorm. Brighter days are ahead.

If you want more practical ideas look at my bio. You may feel lonely but you are not alone :)

Now that I’m in my 30s one of my main regrets is that I wasted so much time feeing sorry for myself and comparing myself to other people instead of just, like, _doing stuff_. You can start experiencing life right now. Go to some new places (even just in your local area), try out some random hobbies, read a book on a random subject you’ve assumed you have no interest in. Try to meet some people who don’t work in the tech industry. Have some compassion for yourself and recognize that almost everyone is struggling with something, and that it takes time to figure out what you value and enjoy and derive meaning from in life.

Who cares about what the average person on Tinder is up to? Nobody has actually outcasted you, but you may feel different from others because you are - learn to be proud of thinking different and being an outlier. You are not lost, probably bored. There's no such thing as failing life because there is no test. Keep programming and doing what you love. Keep playing the numbers game of Tinder, maybe you will get matched soon with someone who will enjoy listening to you talk about your passion. No matter what you do, don't give up. If you were ready to take your life, why not instead do something bold, spontaneous, exciting? Enjoy the life given to you.

1. If you're stuck in a thought loop walk into another room (or even better go for a walk in nature).

2. Write a stream of consciousness every morning. Force yourself to write three or more pages (keep this writing hidden and secret, it's scary what comes out, especially at first).

3. Take cold showers. You can start warm, but aim to have a two minute cold shower. Or even better going swimming in cold water everyday.

A book I can highly recommend is The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Lemme know if you want a copy.

There's a stigma around mental health, but I would highly suggest going to a therapist/psychiatrist. That might be mild depression.

The good news is that you're very young, and have so much time ahead of you still. You just have to have to from now on go all in into making yourself a better, more interesting person to other people, so you can make some friends, get laid and all the rest.

Go to the gym, get a nice body. Practice some sports. Read non-technical books. Get a dog, take it to the park. Go to a club, hit on some chicks, hear a lot of no's. Make some friends, develop some social skills. Learn to dress well, shower daily, get a nice haircut, invest in beauty products. Travel, even if alone. Make some money.

Forget what you can't change about yourself and focus on what you can. Just my two cents.

I think this is valid, but objectively there are so many people who do this and everything else orders of magnitude better. This is what makes me sad, personally. And "just going to the gym", imho, isn't terribly useful advice - I think even CICO isn't realistic for a lot of people. I try starving myself often but I never have the willpower :(

The first thing I want to suggest is say to yourself "This is OK, this is part of my life, I will be fine eventually". Do not fear the time it takes for the confusion to go away, because it might take some time.

I used to be a crazy dreamer and performer, top of the curve, from a random corner of the world (Kolkata, India). I pushed hard for many years, got the best of project offers, got my family from US$ 300/month income to US$ 9K/month in like 3 years of my early efforts. I thought I would create a Billion $ company before 30. And then, I crashed. I became numb for many years. Lost my relationships and even lost my emotions. I moved to Germany, went through counseling, my friends pushed me into it. I am grateful for that.

The last many years I have been soul searching. Who am I? What do I need, aspire to be? I realized a lot of what I wanted was what magazines told me. Not the fashion magazines; the startup ones. But it is the same feeling when you run out of internal steam chasing that cover picture.

I started to travel, I backpacked Europe a bit when I was in Germany. Came back to India, restarted and failed again. Both in startup and in relationship. But my counseling and mental awareness started helping me this time. I did not fall too deep, too dark. I started focusing on routines, small things like make food, walk a lot, spend time outside the startup buzz. I backpacked around SE Asia, motorbiked 6K kilometers, stayed in a hostel for 5 months in Laos (2020 in lock-down). Cheap life, fun life. I smiled more than I have in a long time.

I still shed tears when I look back, but I do not have regrets now. I have made peace. I used to pretend to be someone I was not. I am not profit minded, so I crashed since what I seek most dearly is a sense of purpose. I live in a village now and I am again seeking co-founders (globally). I am preparing myself to get back to what I do best - but with precautions. With my routine and a lifestyle that helps me breathe, not get anxiety attacks.

Many years have gone by, but this is what, IMHO, is my meaningful existence. Learn, grow, find balance, slowly. The most important thing for me now is my happiness. I stopped chasing others' dreams and started living life by my standards - farms, friendships, family, travel, food, 40 hours of work/week and purpose. We will live with depressive tendencies, but if we know what makes us happy, then there is better mitigation. Nothing else is more important than happy life.

Programming and mathematics will stay your anchors. Make a few more, good friendships. Real ones, and you will know which is which when you try to meet more people. Programming is a big anchor for me, my place of peace. After 20 years of programming, I still learn regularly. There is nothing, there is no one that can take than away from me. The thought builds resilience. But I also have dear friends, spread across borders though. I have this and many communities too. The day Pieter Levels replied to me here, I cried. Do not hold back, you will achieve things but nothing is more important that a happy life right now. Focus on that, find it in people who care about you and you care about them. You will know, just spend some time. And, Tinder will not help, sorry pal.

imho ad depression: 1. go get professional help

and imho. what applys to all people 2. meaning in live doesn't come "naturally" to anyone, you have to actively discover & decide what "floats your boat" in live.

for example, there are a lot of different "communities" providing an excuse for certain things - religions, spiritual communities, startups etc. -, but: everybody decides for his/_/her own what to do in live.

in the end you just have a few decades you can shape according to your own ideas ... and this time will pass regardless of your choices :)

cheersv

Sometimes math and programming can be a bit harsh too. I really feel like reading anything - People magazine, novels, poetry - whatever vaguely might interest you a bit, can be fun. Let yourself indulge without judgement.

Erikson talks about your age involving 'intimacy v. isolation' - and you're just at the start of this stage. It gets better, and easier, more so when coming out of deep valleys.

I've had people in my life very prone to depression, and a lot of it has to do with being really smart and feeling things keenly. It's attached to your super powers, but it's so important to figure out ways to balance things out (more breadth-first search, less depth-first search, wherever possible).

Take care, man. It was an unusual past year. With unusual fallouts. I hope you take it easy on yourself, and try out fun little things that grow.

1) Set a realistic goal. Having a purpose helps maintain your focus from drifting into negative thoughts.

2) Exercise. The mind and body are connected. If you’re having trouble changing your mind, try changing your body and diet and sometimes your mind will follow.

3) Speak to a therapist. Many are free or discounted for certain income brackets and can help you work through deeper issues like the ones you’re dealing with.

4) Meditate. Spending silent time with yourself focusing on letting your thoughts come and go might help illuminate what you want out of life or how to get unstuck.

5) Psychedelics. Some organizations like maps.org offer MDMA-assisted therapy that’s shown highly promising results. Other substances like Ketamine, Psilocybin and Ayahuasca when taken in a group or therapeutic setting can help to physically rewire parts of the brain or illuminate subconscious thoughts and patterns.

6) Try authentic relating. There are lots of groups and events that teach how to relate to yourself and others in a way that creates deeper connections. If you’re feeling isolated or disconnected it gives you a procedure for fixing that.

Life is not meant to be devoid of suffering or challenges. I hope you can find a way to move through the tough times with greater ease. And thank you for writing this post, you are not alone in these feelings. You get one life and I hope you’re able to have all the experiences you desire. There’s a huge world out there that you haven’t explored that almost certainly will have some impact on your view on life and the quality of your experience. Thank you again for putting enough value in this community to seek out our collective opinions.

The Dotcom bubble exploded and there weren't any jobs. I still had a year of university to complete and felt burnt out.

I had a bit of money aside, and bought a plane ticket to Europe. I knew nothing of the world. Backpacked 3 months, stayed in youth hostels, for lost a lot, learning as I went. Completely changed my life.

In 2010, after a brutal separation, went six weeks in the middle East. Hitchhiked in Syria (pre-war), slept in the desert. Came back home, quit my job, went freelance, and got into new adventures.

Moral of the story, I guess, is that we are lucky to have skills very much in demand. Take risks, go have fun, there will be work when you get back and you'll land on your feet.

Alternatively, of you don't like gyms, try an indoor rock climbing class. Lots of geeks, but also lots of other people, and no pressure to perform or look good.

Life is much more than brain. It's also heart, and creating your story. (You don't want someone else doing that.) Finding friends means getting away from the keyboard, the books. IME, the fact that an algorithm found zero matches is kind of funny. Code doesn't know life exists. Often in life our bestest mates are -unlike us-. Usually smarter in other ways too.

Inspiration? Meh. If it comes, it comes. Whaddya got to prove? Life only has one deadline. Lots of people take a stretch before pressing on. Read about E.B. White yesterday. Bucky Fuller the day before that.

Travel. The world is HUGE. Wish I'd done more of that. You may find a culture you can relate to more. There are always people to know, everywhere - give them a chance. Seek and ye shall find.

I’d focus on getting out a little more with people face to face - try to nurture some good relationships, romance will come don’t rush it.

Be proud of the programming and maths that you love - it’s part of what makes you you.

Being a bit socially outcast at 23 is emotionally hard, and I know it sux, but it's not as bad as it might seem. You still are young, and if that's not what you want from life, there is hope for things to change.

You have spent the last decade on solo interests, so you haven't learned some of your peers' social skills. That's okay, you can learn them.

The problem is that most of the people around you will be interacting in a way that you don't understand. Some people you might think are a bit lower IQ will be performing on a social level that you might not understand yet.

The way to get there is much like the way you got there with math and programming. You had an interest, and you practiced. You probably started very frustratedly, but you kept going because it was fun. You have to try this with people. It is fun to meet new people and talk with them. One problem is there are all these social rules and conventions that you are going to get wrong. The problem with getting things wrong in a social setting is that we feel rejected when it happens. Learning to recover from that is the key. It's not going to be easy when you are feeling depressed. Talking to a therapist would help if you can afford it. Develop some strategies to deal with this, and you will thrive. Most people don't care if you are awkward. They want friends just as much as you do.

I'd advise that you don't try to start with romantic relationships right away. Starting with something a little more shallow might help. Just hanging out with people will help, and there is less emotional risk.

I'd try to find something that forces you to interact with people. Find a group or club to join—something that you feel bad about not attending. Also, feel free to switch groups if you don't like it. After a year or so, you are going to feel much better dealing with people.

Also, don't feel bad about Tinder. It's not a good option. You are far better off meeting people through shared interests. You are also going to be in a great place in a few years. You will earn more than most and have less baggage from past relationships; you'll be a catch.

You can do this, it can get better, and you have a bright future ahead.

One of the defining characteristics of humanity is that we need love. We need love like trees need the sun. We need to know that when everything else in the world is going to shit, someone is there to hold us and tell us that they'll never leave us. And you need as many of these people in your life as possible.

Everyone around you needs this. Most of them don't get enough of it. Find the people around you who are interested in giving that to you, and receiving it from you. And spend as much time as possible with them.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline might help.

No matter how permanent they feel, feelings are temporary. The short-circuit can and will get fixed.

May you be well.

oh and stop caring what others are doing, or thinking. You won’t like most of them and that’ll be a two way street.

Life always just has a way of working itself out, don’t let it get to you and certainly don’t take it too seriously.

Find something you really like to do and get lost in it, it helps to not focus on the noise of life. Mine is hiking and flying ultralights.

Best of luck and hang on! So many times I've felt like "a complete failure in life", (and who knows, maybe I am!), but I keep trying!

I've lost a few friends to suicide and can tell you they all had so much potential, and they all put too much emphasis on their failures and didn't have a realistic idea of how much they made the world a better place—even when they were "failing"—because they were trying something new and making mistakes and exploring some of the design space of our universe. If you are feeling so down, I bet you have taken chances in life that didn't pan out, and I thank you, because we need people like you to push the world in new directions. Don't feel bad about any shortcomings you've had. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. Sometimes you just need to hang on, let your body and mind catch it's breadth, and you will come back better than ever.

> words of wisdom

After 37 years, I don't think anyone knows anything about anything.

Figuring out what you want is a process and takes time (https://breckyunits.com/what-i-want.html).

I'm a big believer in wearables. Things like FitBits and Levels CGM. So much of our mental moods are tied to what is going on in our bodies. The best psychiatrists in the world will be replaced by $200 of wearables within 20 years.

My life didn't start until I was 34.

The only regrets I have in life were the times I wasn't kind. (Note: by kind I don't mean nice—I've found being part asshole/competitive on the field to be important to do good work).

> "normal"

I've never found trying to be normal to be a stable place for me. You might find that what is important to you is not important to 99.9% of people. So you may need to meet a lot of people before you build up a big enough tribe. Finding constructive subreddits for my interests was helpful for me.

The world needs you! You sound like the type whose big wins will be in the long term!

(If you want to understand the hard problems of human existence, read literature. The royal road to that is to read a literature review, which that book almost is. Pro Tip: If you want to get somebody to do something, get them to read about it.)

It might be more relevant for the needs of middle aged people who are interested in their cohort. (right about now they feel boxed in by the last 40 years of choices they have made and if you can take down the gate they might knock you down on the way out -- it's frightening how easy it is).

Most young people want a lifetime mate (eventually) and that’s a much bigger ask.

Step 2. Hire someone (preferably a young girl who also uses tinder) to take pictures of you and give you fashion advice. I ended up hiring an actual fashion school graduate :)

Step 3. Make your job fully remote and travel (easy for programmers like us). Learn a new language.

Do these and youre in top 5 percentile easily. Good luck!

How much of what you are doing in life is driven by societal conditioning? How much of the loneliness is caused by social custom having convinced you that should not be alone?

There's no easy answers out there, but the first steps usually start with casting off societal expectations and learning to love yourself for who you are and explore what you want to explore in life.

Everyone is different and I think you should focus on what makes you happy rather than comparing yourself with random stranger on tinder.

Personally, if I were you, I'd join a meetup and try to meet other people sharing my interests. It's also a great way to meet a partner (through friends of friends).

I’ll start by assuming you’re in a first world country as Tinder is a first world dating app.

Drop tinder immediately and forget about dating women from your country. Something happened over the past 50 or so years and first world women’s standards have become unrealistically high. Maybe it was social media, or dating apps, who knows, but the fact is, the majority of them have adopted this “impress me” attitude where they view themselves as a prize, and they expect you to bring everything to the table. Dating them is no longer worth it, and they’re all pining after the top 10% of guys anyway.

But I’m not saying you need to go full MGTOW.

Instead, find a sincere woman from overseas who will appreciate you more than a first world woman ever could, bring her to your country, and marry her. You will both be happy.

I know someone who did this, and they are a very happy and successful couple.

Find a woman who will appreciate the love you have to give.

That's a huge span of time. I may be incorrect, but I believe many couples in first-world countries have met, married, and lived happily in those 50 years without the need for anyone to aim for a "sincere woman from overseas."

I’m just suggesting the OP value himself, and find someone who values him. There’s nothing misogynistic about that.

The good news: Probably most people have a rough early 20s, it might be the hardest time in life. You are waking up to the fact that the world has no rules, and even “success” is something you will have to define for yourself. It’s a lot to deal with, but you will get better at dealing with it, I promise.

The really good news is that it will never be too late to make friends, and they don’t have to be the same age anymore so the “friend pool” is way bigger. Treat this like an opportunity - you can try anything you feel like trying, most people will not care that you are a beginner, and most activities will come with a community of like-minded people you can befriend.

Don’t expect to figure everything out right away, but just get out of your comfort zone and interact with the world for now. Physical activity is best if possible, exercise is as close to a guaranteed treatment for depression as anything. This is not medical advice, but: “A tired dog is a happy dog.”

I'm going to in the other direction here. Depression is reasonable. It's your brains way of telling you you are screwing up, becoming a liability, a drain on other people, a darwinian/genetic failure, or something like that. It's telling you you have a problem and you need to solve it. The beauty of this is that YOU CAN.

In this case, the fact that you went on Tinder to solve it is pretty telling. It means that you want to, frankly speaking, make sure you're not a genetic failure, or a failure on the status hierarchy, or both (probably both). The suicide impulse is, in my VERY UNSCIENTIFIC opinion, an evolved impulse to reduce your potential drain on the tribe. And some quirk of the male brain (not a scientist, just a man) says "not worthy to reproduce (in the eyes of women)"="not worthy to exist/drain on the tribe." The solution is to make yourself not a drain on the tribe, by making yourself useful in some capacity and/or progressing towards reproductive/social status success. The solution is not to die, it is to earn the right to live, by your own reckoning. Having faced the same sort of thing a few years back, here are my suggestions.

1) Go lift some weights, if you don't already. Stronglifts 5x5 to start, or some similar beginner linear-progression weight lifting program for 3-6 months (no more than that), followed by something like 5/3/1 will help you mentally, physically, and socially (yes, socially). The effects on your brain are important. Beyond just the hormonal effects of weightlifting, you also get the sense of progression from seeing the weights go up on the barbell every single workout. From the perspective of someone who feels they aren't really making progress in life, that can be a very enlivening feeling. Finally, even the beginnings of a real, male physique, which you'll see after 8-12 weeks of hard work on a beginner program will make people more inclined to talk to you, like you and respect you.

2) Take some Vitamin D. It's important for your hormones. Vitamin D deficiency might be an issue, might not. But take some and make sure that it isn't an issue.

3) Make small talk with every person you meet. Not every woman, every person. No expectations. Just have fun. In the starbucks line? Chat. At the grocery store? Chat. Water cooler? Chat. Library? Chat. You will suck at this at first, but you'll get good at this in time. This should fix the isolation/shunned by the tribe/status hierarchy failure problem, or at least ameliorate it.

4) Do you have an older male mentor? Not one for programming. You'd be better off hitting up a boxing gym or BJJ gym or something.

5) Eat some red meat, some eggs, some other stuff that's conducive to high testosterone levels. No crazy snake oil stuff, but just healthy, nutritious food that makes you feel good and does good things for your body.

6) Get a social activity of some sort. If you're still in school (grad school?) join a club of some sort. If you're out of school, maybe hit up some meet ups. The hobby kind, not the professional kind.

You obviously do seem to be depressed, and it wouldn’t hurt to seek professional or clerical help for that.

As far as what people put on social media, a huge percentage of it, often all of it, is fiction. Taking literally what people say on their tinder profiles will not yield a realistic assessment of their actual lives.

I dealt with many of these issues and might be able to help a bit. Feel free to call me at (425) 260-5292 (Seattle time) or email me at the address in my profile.

Normal is a trap. Societal norms are a trap. Don’t worry about what other people your age are doing. Worry about what makes you happy. Period. I’m in my late 30s and I have friends who are still single, friends who are unemployed, and a friend from elementary school who still lives at home with his parents. The thing they all have in common is a positive outlook, an interest in learning, a desire to do the things they enjoy, and to not care what society thinks of them. My single friends travel by themselves because they want to see the world and aren’t going to wait for a partner. My friend who lives with his parents is basically broke and has had a pretty tough life. But he has lots of hobbies and a tiny group of quality friends.

I personally try not to let things get in the way of the stuff I enjoy or want to do. Just before the pandemic I went to a concert alone. By my assessment I was the only person there not with a friend. I had a great time seeing a band I really like and dancing all by myself. Maybe I looked silly, but I don’t care. Plus I likely won’t see any of those people again and I’m not important enough for anyone to remember me anyway.

Maybe look into joining some in person communities related to things you enjoy. Math and computers are fine communities, but branch out. Some of my good friends are actually people I met a decade ago at the now defunct HN NYC meet up. I actually work for one of those people now.

Social situations can be stressful and awkward, but like anything else the more you do it the easier it tends to get. You may not leave every meetup with new contacts but it’s at least a way to have personal interactions and spend some time talking about things you are interested in or are passionate about. But you do have to put yourself out there. Another comment suggested some public speaking programs, do one those to help get over some of the social anxieties.

You don’t sound like a failure in life. It sounds like you are just craving a bit more from yours. I know it’s not easy, but try putting yourself out there by doing some of the things you enjoy. If that list is short, do some hobby experimenting. Take a group painting class, join a bowling league, take a cooking class, learn to surf, etc. You never know what you’ll discover or who you’ll meet along the way.

I’ll help get things started… My email is in my profile. Let’s chat one night or I’ll teach you how to play Settlers of Catan if you've never played.

Edit: spelling fixes

That said, your 23, which means you have an absolute shit load of time play with. If you have the beginnings of a stable career, even the better.

About romantic relationships. Chasing after it directly generally just leads nowhere. I found it always worked a lot better to just get out, find things to do that you enjoy where there are women around. Learn to talk to women without any agenda. Don't be picky about who either. With every group of women there is a back channel, be nice and respectful and get on the right side of it.

Also helps to also have girl sized room in how your life works.

For example, socialization is not really about "I have friends/I don't have friends". Interacting with a retail worker to get coffee is socializing. Talking to strangers at the bar is socializing. Going in for the date or job interview is also socializing. Different people are interested in different facets of these things. You can be a wallflower in one space and gregarious in another. And friends tend to not be characters in a story, conveniently falling into meetings; nor are they rational-expectations economic actors, optimizing all situations for maximum self-interest; they're more like cattle you have to round up to do anything with because they will just stay home like you if left to themselves, so you end up with a Venn diagram of friends for "A" and friends for "B" with minimal overlap, cause that's what you can get them for.

There are game players on Twitch who are quite good at the games they play and get lots of followers - ergo they are popular - but show minimal social ability. Their face is well-lit, but they grunt and swear and complain their way through every session and ignore their chat. Nobody is going to be charmed by what they are saying, but expressiveness tends to show through their gameplay, which can make up for a lot. And there are also streamers who hide behind an avatar, are not particularly exceptional at game-playing, but have a great ability to build stories and create situations that get their chat engaged. And there's no hope of quantifying these differences as a rank of overall quality as a person, but the fact that those differences do exist and neither is muted, undefined, expressionless, really does matter, and matters more than the particulars.

So - think about how you want to engage with people. Study that problem. Going to the gym, getting a style change, etc can help, but they're like subsets of the overall direction you're going in. Becoming a kind of person that you are not OK with is not going to help. Likewise you can get stuck in a rut because it looks like being dishonest in that sense is the "right" way, that there is only one way to be social and it's not your way; that usually afflicts the young because they observe other people pushing boundaries in ways that they aren't OK with, see negative stereotypes, and think "well, maybe this isn't for me" and write off their engagement before they really try. But, it's also a socially constructed phenomenon in the first place. Taking your inclinations and principles and polishing them up as best you can is a great path to becoming an Interesting Person.

It's a weird effect because your brain should be doing the opposite, trying to heal you by showing you a selectively happier picture than the actual reality. When your body gets sick, your immune system goes to work trying to cure it. So why doesn't your brain do the same thing when it gets sick - try to heal you instead of making you more sick?

Maybe it's a bug in our programming, who knows. But recognize it for what it is, a flaw in our automatic neurological response to the illness of depression. So the cure can't be automatic, it must be deliberate. Start by learning to see through the flawed response, to see it for what is, like Neo seeing the Matrix for the first time.

Do not trust the false world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth - nothing is as bad or as hopeless as it seems when you're depressed. As long as you're alive, there's always a way forward into a different and better reality. You just have to find it.

To find it, start by relying on experimentalism. Change your routine, your activities, the way you spend your time. It honestly doesn't even matter what you change to, as long as you change to something. Throw a dart at a newspaper on the wall, and if it lands on a new activity, try that. Try everything, even things outside of your comfort zone.

And if the first things you change to don't help, discard them and try others. It takes about a month of trying something new to know whether it's having the desired impact or not, whether it's lifting weights to get stronger, doing a Keto diet to drop fat weight, learning Rust, taking sailing/bjj/dance/etc lessons, or whatever. So stick with each thing for at least a month and then evaluate how you feel and if it's worth continuing or not.

Trying new things rewires your neural pathways in new ways, stimulating positive creative energy. So if you can do those two things - stop trusting your brain and seeing through the falsely bleak picture it's presenting you with, and systematically going out and doing and trying new things to connect new neural pathways, you might start feeling better.

Beyond that, try to think of depression like any other programming or math problem, and always be hacking it. Apply the same systematic, methodical, analytical problem solving skills to depression that you use in programming. Explore the problem space, test different solutions, iterate until you find optimal, or at least sufficient, ones.

PS - and make sure you're getting enough Vitamin D and B12 too. 5000IU daily of D, and I forgot how much B12 but more info here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/ex...

Additionally, some herbal supplements like Ashwaghanda, Rhodiola Rosea, and Chinese Skullcap can help neutralize cortisol buildup that causes anxiety and makes it more difficult to get out of depression.

PPS - also check out the many useful niche subreddits. Some I've found helpful over the years:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/

https://www.reddit.com/r/gainit/

https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/

https://www.reddit.com/r/EOOD/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ScientificNutrition/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ketoscience/

https://www.reddit.com/r/keto/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Paleo/

I think so. When things are really bad, getting even a little worse can be utterly catastrophic; making your problems loom larger when you're in a mess is probably an adaptive heuristic that forces people in bad but recoverable situations to behave very conservatively and maximize survival odds; however, in the extreme (e.g., chronic loneliness), that heuristic winds up compounding the problem by inhibiting the only kind of behavior that can rescue the situation, and yet the heuristic survives because it's adaptive in less extreme circumstances.

Beware the psychology of edge cases.

Being in your 20s:

This is probably the best time in your life where you can freely explore the world of ideas as well as the geographic world, develop your own human capital, pursue projects in all sorts of disciplines, really whatever. It's the best time because it doesn't matter if you succeed or not, because you're only in your 20s. People who build successful startups in their 20s I believe are often very stunted individuals; there's truly great advantage to broadly exploring and learning about life and the opportunities offered everywhere in our complex modern economy, to do all that instead of prematurely welding yourself to a single company/idea. Again... there's unprecedented knowledge, science, industries, and opportunities, and the possibility of traveling and living almost anywhere at all... trust me, no one can possibly have taken it all in by their 20s... again you're at a tremendous advantage if you don't weld yourself to a single thing early in life and stay open to all the possible types of opportunities out there. Being successful in your 30s instead of your 20s is way more desirable in my opinion.

Tinder, two points:

1) There's a weak correlation with what's popular on Tinder and what women are attracted to in-person. I'm a failure on Tinder but have had a number of beautiful, awesome girlfriends over the years because I've always had the balls to just play a sometimes brutal numbers game and ask girls out who I meet in person. You can always do this, learn to not care about some rejection, and you will definitely find women who will go on a date with you.

2) Dating and value in the sexual marketplace is largely about location. Brutal truth but go travel and live somewhere like Asia or Latin America and non Western Europe and you'll find it's about 10x easier to go on dates with people you're attracted to.

"Spending time with friends":

Yes that's always nice, but many people also make their main life about their social life (this is more stereotypically feminine), and that IMO stunts them as individuals. The best types of friendships develop because you'r both pursuing similar goals, so it develops naturally. Those occur by being out in the world pursuing things. Don't force it... it will happen if you're out there doing things and open to interacting with others. It's OK if it takes years... there's a ton of things to focus on, explore, learn, go, etc. so don't think of a lack of a "normal" social life as some sort of handicap, it's not that unusual, and it's inevitably temporary if you're out there pursuing things. I'll also say like the second Tinder point it's easier if you're in a country where your background is rarer.

My biggest advice for you is to not be afraid of your job. There are always more jobs, and given how smart you are, you won't have much problem getting one. Save up a little money ($5k or $10k) and quit your job. DO something entirely different.

I'd only seen snow twice in my life when I showed up at a ski resort to start working there - I got a job as a lift operator (helping people get on the chair lifts). I LOVED it. Outside every day. Super fun (and crazy) people to work with. Virtually no money, but lots of fun.

Years later I became a snowboard instructor, ski patroller, kayak guide and other random things. When I'm low on money I can go back to development, but I try to avoid that if possible ;)

So don't be afraid of your job, and anyone that tells you that you should be isn't really worth listening to.

Make some changes, do something different, see what happens. Life is an adventure, so start having them!

A good solution to your problem might be to develop a different understanding of the meaning and purpose of life. "Normal" American culture is selling you a false bill of goods IMO.

You could start by reading the Bible. Start with the Gospel of John and Romans. The ESV is a great translation and they have a study bible that is helpful.

Listen/read good preachers/teachers who can help you understand what life is really about: John Piper, Tim Keller, and R.C. Sproul are all great places to start. Each of them have podcasts available.

John Piper has a book called "Don't Waste Your Life" that is available free online and would likely be applicable to your situation. Tim Keller has a book on marriage that might help put your relationship troubles in perspective.

Finally, find a good church and start building relationships with people. Get advice from those who are wise and godly. Any church affiliated with 9 Marks ministries or following their advice on church priorities is likely a good place to start.

This won't be a popular suggestion, and Christ doesn't promise his followers an easy or happy life (just the opposite). But he does offer a meaningful life, wisdom to understand what is wrong with us and the world around us, salvation from sin and judgement (which are the biggest threat to us), and hope for better times yet to come.

One of the things the Bible teaches is that, in significant ways, we are all complete failures at life. But Christ lived and died to offer us redemption from that failure. To give our lives value, regardless of how little "success" we have. No...to redefine "success" and give us something actually worth living for.

King David summarizes this very succinctly in his own way: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

The whole of Psalm 27 is very encouraging I think: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2027&vers...

I generally do it at the same time of day, though sometimes I make an exception and do it earlier or later, when I feel that my presence elsewhere is important for good.

I developed it after several years of studying several different meditation traditions, attending churches, and reading religious texts.

Ideally, I do this in a quiet room, sitting by myself, but that is not always possible, and I do not demand it. It can be done internally without altering anything in the physical.

For prayer, I tend towards a three-step process of gratitude-forgiveness-petition. First, I express gratitude for all my gifts and privilege throughout the day that I can think of.

Second, I ask for forgiveness for anything regretful... Missing out on acknowledging someone. Laziness in performing a necessary task. Allowing myself to ruminate or think negatively.

Then, it is time for requests. I ask for guidance and to see clearly into my intentions to ensure that they are joyful and good. And then I express them the best I can, being mindful to not be too specific, nor too attached to any particular outcome, because I cannot see the big picture.

After this, comes the other important part. Listening for a reply. Our existence is infinitely more complex than our language and human-human interaction allows, and so it may be hard to understand or even see the message. After all, you are taking on the role of an ant asking for help from a human, except infinitely more removed from each other. It is not always peaceful, sometimes it is overwhelming and I cry.

All this knowledge repeats again and again in texts both old and new, and if you allow yourself to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, people who lived more than 100 years ago were not complete buffoons and idiots, it can bring peace, joy, satisfaction, amazement, marvel... Even that feeling of "time slipping away faster every day" will recede. Take it from me, I was depressed through and through for a good 15-20 years straight almost without respite.

Good luck, and I'd love to hear your experiences.

May this knowledge help you and bring you joy!

It's a grass is always greener on the other side thing, looking at other people's lives.

The irony of this statement with regards to OP is astounding.

There is so much wrong with this statement, in the context of OPs post that I don't know were to start.